


Tempting Inevitability

by jessicasse



Category: Naruto
Genre: Action & Romance, Anbu Hatake Kakashi, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Umino Iruka, But I promise there will be light, Canon Related, Canon-Typical Violence, During Canon, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Eventual Sex, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, Hatake Kakashi is Bad at Feelings, Healing, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rough Sex, Sexual Tension, Slow Build, Top Hatake Kakashi, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Warning: This story gets very dark
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:55:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 46,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23575768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessicasse/pseuds/jessicasse
Summary: Naruto left to train with Jiraiya, and Iruka and Kakashi are finally alone. Although they both try and fight the undeniable bond and chemistry between them, it's inevitable that these two will come to a head.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi & Umino Iruka, Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka
Comments: 118
Kudos: 350





	1. The Encounter

Kakashi was leisurely walking along the dirt path, nose buried in his tattered copy of Icha Icha Paradise. He just finished rereading Icha Icha Violence and felt like going back to the classic first novel that started his ongoing obsession.

Spring had just begun, and the sakura trees lined up all along the path were starting to blossom. A soft breeze made the budding leaves sway lazily, and the sun shined through the branches and warmed Kakashi's back as he strolled past. 

But Kakashi wasn't paying attention to any of that. The breeze stirred the pages of his book, making him look up. When he did, he saw something that immediately captured his attention. Umino Iruka was walking past him with a stack of books in his arms and loose papers sticking out of a red folder balanced precariously on top.

He could barely see Iruka's face — the only thing he could see was the tip of his ponytail, dancing back and forth matching Iruka's fast pace as he tried to balance the heavy books. Iruka wanted to use the weekend planning his lessons for the next couple of weeks. His Academy students were ready to start learning about the Third Shinobi War, so he decided to take some of the textbooks from his classroom to lesson plan at home. 

A stronger breeze suddenly moved in at that moment and the folder flew behind Iruka, his students' essays inside it scattering everywhere. Iruka groaned loudly and closed his eyes; it was the last thing he needed when he was already late for his shift at the mission desk. One of his wilder students decided it would be a good idea to start an ink fight with another student across the room five minutes before the bell rang, and Iruka spent the better part of an hour yelling at the kid as they both scrubbed the classroom floor and desks clean of all traces of ink. 

Iruka sighed wearily as he put his books down on the ground to pick up the papers when he felt a presence behind him. He shot around and, to his surprise, saw Kakashi standing there, in his hand the papers already neatly tucked into the folder. Iruka didn't even see the lazy-eyed jonin around him. How did he do that so quickly? He even got the papers that had flown into the tree branches nearby. 

No one spoke. Iruka just stared at Kakashi, eyes wide. Kakashi's face was, for the most part, unreadable, except for a subtle, quiet look in his eye that Iruka couldn't quite make out.

When Iruka didn't move, Kakashi quietly cleared his throat and held out the folder in his right hand. Iruka blinked and looked down. It took him a second to remember what he was looking at. He quickly took the folder from Kakashi and stepped back. He was standing close to Iruka, something he wasn't used to as there's usually either a mission desk or Naruto between them at all times. 

Iruka nervously laughed and scratched his scar, one of his tells that he was nervous. "Thank you Kakashi-san, I had no idea you were even nearby." 

"Ma, it's no problem," Kakashi replied in his slow sing-song drawl. "You seemed like you were in a rush to go somewhere with all your books." 

Crap. Iruka completely forgot about his mission desk shift. He gasped, smacking his hand on the hitae-ate covering his forehead.

"Oh my god, I'm late!" Iruka cried out, quickly picking his books back up. "Sorry Kakashi-san, I have to go, I'm late for the mission desk!" 

Iruka turned back around to continue his way to the Hokage Tower when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Iruka barely had time to turn his head when Kakashi took the stack of books from his arms and started walking alongside him. Kakashi didn't look at Iruka, just staring ahead holding all the books under one palm as if they were no weight to him. The folder on top stayed perfectly balanced. Iruka was baffled. What is happening right now? Why is Kakashi walking with him, carrying his books? 

Iruka's mind was somehow simultaneously running wild and drawing a blank. He couldn't figure out what to say, so all he said was, "Thank you." 

Kakashi didn't respond. He continued walking towards Hokage Tower carrying Iruka's books, his quick, yet lazy pace unbroken. Iruka and Kakashi walked in silence, only staring ahead for a few minutes when Kakashi asked, "So, Iruka-sensei, what are all these books for?" 

Iruka looked at Kakashi next to him before quickly looking forward again. "Uhm, my students are learning about the Third Shinobi War in two weeks, and I wanted to get an early start on planning my lessons."

"I see," Kakashi replied. 

Iruka waited to see if Kakashi was going to say anything more, but it seemed like that was all he was going to say on that matter. He thought he felt Kakashi's body tense slightly, but it disappeared so quickly Iruka wondered if he had imagined it. 

They walked in silence again for another minute when Iruka broke the silence this time. 

"I'm sorry for burdening you, Kakashi-san. I didn't intend for you to have to carry my books for me."

Kakashi looked at him then, his eye not covered by his hitae-ate staring directly at Iruka. He didn't say anything for a few seconds. Iruka felt a blush creeping forward on his face, his cheeks starting to warm. 

After what felt like an eternity, Kakashi spoke. "Well, like I said, it's no problem. In fact, I can't think of a better way to spend my time right now." 

Iruka was taken aback by that comment. He didn't understand what it meant. When he turned to open his mouth to ask, Kakashi plopped the books back into Iruka's arms and, with his eye curved into a smile, said to Iruka, "I hope you have a good rest of your day, sensei."

Before he turned around to leave, Kakashi's gloved hand reached out and swept his thumb across Iruka's left cheek. "You have some ink on your face," Kakashi murmured, his hand lingering on Iruka's cheek for a second. Iruka blushed deep red, and his hand immediately went up to touch where Kakashi's thumb just left. Kakashi smiled again and raised his hand with his classic way of saying bye, and you could see the smudge of ink that was on Iruka's face now on Kakashi's thumb. 

Then he was gone with a poof, and a swirl of leaves floated down where Kakashi was just standing, leaving Iruka alone by the front door of the Hokage Tower.

‘When did we get to the tower already?’ Iruka wondered to himself. He shook his head. He was already this late to work, he might as well take another second to try and clear his mind. He felt like his reaction to being near Kakashi was dangerous. He was somehow so distracted he didn't even realize he arrived at his location.

And what did Kakashi mean when he said that he couldn't think of a better way to spend his time? Did he mean he couldn't think of a better way to spend his time than to be with Iruka? 

No, that couldn't be it. It would be ridiculous to think that Kakashi would want to spend his rare free time walking Iruka's books for him.

Although, that is what just happened. 

Iruka groaned to himself for what felt like the hundredth time that day. He couldn't believe he had ink on his face the whole time Kakashi was with him. 

"OK, stop this right now," Iruka said to himself. "Just go focus on work."

Iruka would have to wait to obsess over what Kakashi said until his shift was over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's an electrifying tension between the two that can't be ignored. And Kakashi's cryptic words may be hiding some deeper feelings. Let's unravel what those are.


	2. The Night Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iruka just finished his shift at the mission desk after his brief but memorable encounter with Kakashi. It's a nice, spring night out and Iruka is going to enjoy it very much (but he doesn't know that yet). The Kakashi/Iruka tension continues to build.

By the time Iruka finished at the mission desk, the sun had set and it was dark outside. All the lights were on, and he could see people walking around enjoying their Friday night eating out, going shopping, and stepping into different bars. The sky was clear, and the weather wasn't too hot or too cold; it was the perfect night. 

Iruka, with his books in his arms again, smiled to himself watching all of this. The mission desk that afternoon was busy with shinobi trying to submit their reports before the weekend so they could get their paycheck and enjoy the evening, but Iruka didn't get a single report that he had to tell someone to redo, no report that was missing a chunk, soaking wet, or ripped at the edges. He considered that a good day at work. 

Although it was a great night to be out, Iruka was tired, and he just wanted to go back home and have a nice night in. Maybe he'd open a bottle of wine, take a hot bath, and read the new book he bought last month but never had a chance to start. The thought of that raised Iruka's spirits even more, and he walked back to his apartment with a smile on his face. 

When he stepped into his apartment, the first thing Iruka did was put the books and folder down on the ground. He lifted his arms to the ceiling and leaned his head back to stretch out his muscles from sitting at the mission desk for hours and carrying those heavy books back and forth all day. 

"Ugh, that feels so good," Iruka said to himself, slowly bringing his arms back down. He decided to go train early tomorrow morning to stretch out the rest of the kinks.

But when Iruka bent down again to take off his shoes, there was a loud knock at his door and multiple voices that called out his name.

"Iruka, come on, let's go out for drinks!!" they said. 

Iruka didn't have to open the door to know who they were.

Hagane Kotetsu and Kamizuki Izumo were fellow chunin, and they were classmates together during their time at the Academy. They were as close to brothers to Iruka that he had. He was the first person they told when they came out and decided to make it official that they were dating. They were the first people Iruka told when he realized that his passion was in teaching and wanted to become an Academy teacher. Iruka never felt like they left him out of things, but he definitely looked at them from time to time and wondered if he'd ever experience anything like what they had together. 

Iruka sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. He really didn't feel like going out tonight. He wondered if he stayed really quiet they would think he wasn't home and leave. He didn't even get the chance to turn on the light yet, after all. But that plan was quickly dashed as soon as it came into his head.

"Come on, Iruka, we know you're in there; we just saw you go in," Kotetsu said. 

"Yeah, Iruka, it's so nice out today you can't stay home alone on a Friday night," Izumo said.

Iruka sighed again and turned around, opening his door to let them both in. The light from the street lamps shined into his dark apartment and along with it came Kotetsu and Izumo. 

"I'm really tired today you guys, I had a long day at the mission desk," Iruka replied, stepping back to open the door wider. 

"That's exactly why you should come out with us and let off some steam," Kotetsu replied, Izumo nodding beside him as they walked into his apartment. "And we know you don't have anything to do because you told us this morning that you were just going to be lesson planning all weekend." 

Iruka didn't say anything in response. He knew he couldn't make an excuse now. 

"OK, fine," Iruka sighed, Kotetsu and Izumo smiling widely. "But I'm not going to drink too much tonight." 

They pushed him out of the door and quickly closed it before Iruka could change his mind. 

\--

Six sake bombs later, and Iruka was wasted. Kotetsu and Izumo lightly teased him, saying that he told them he wasn't going to drink a lot tonight, but they didn't press him on it because they knew Iruka needed this. He was always so tightly wound, as tight as his ponytail, making sure everyone around him was taken care of — that is, everyone but himself. It didn't help that Naruto left to train with Jiraiya eight months ago and he decided to give everything into his work to distract him from the surprising loneliness that it brought him. 

Iruka, who just finished off the beer that Izumo was drinking, slammed the empty glass bottle onto the wooden table and looked around, his face flushed by the alcohol. The bar was packed and noisy tonight, filled with shinobi in their mission gear but with vest zippers undone and sleeves rolled. A lot of them had their hitae-ate off too. It was a shinobi-only bar, with a mix of jonin and chunin. The bars in Konoha are separated by their patrons; there are chunin-only bars, jonin-only bars, and a few bars that always have a good mix of both. There are also non-shinobi bars, but shinobi tend to keep to themselves because mixing alcohol with chakra-heavy people can be a dangerous mix, and no one wants to be a liability to non-shinobi. 

The bar lights were dimmed, but not to the point where he couldn't see anyone. The music was blasting, and Iruka could tell that people were getting rowdier as the night went on and the drinks continued to disappear. Iruka shifted on his seat to turn around with his knees on the bench so he could get a better view of his surroundings.

To his right, he saw Namiashi Raido by the bar pouring an entire bottle of sake into Shiranui Genma's mouth, and Mitarashi Anko, another tokubetsu jonin, shouting "shot, shot, shot" next to them while holding Genma's senbon. He also saw some other Academy teachers who teach the year below him at a table together. They noticed Iruka and waved to him. He smiled widely and waved back. 

He was still grinning happily when he turned to face forward and saw Kakashi three booths ahead of him. His smile froze and Iruka's eyes went wide, not able to hide his shock. Kakashi was staring right at him as if he'd been looking at Iruka the whole time. He had his right elbow on the table and he was leaned back in his usual laid back form, tilting his half-empty beer bottle back and forth with the tip of his middle finger, all the while not breaking his eye contact with Iruka. 

Kakashi wasn't alone either. He sat at the booth with three of the other highest-ranking jonin in Konoha: Might Guy, Yuhi Kurenai, and Sarutobi Asuma. Guy was sitting next to Kakashi while Kurenai and Asuma sat across from them, so Iruka only saw the backs of their head. They were much more subdued than the other shinobi around them, but they were still enjoying a night off. Iruka could see some empty bottles of sake on their table, along with empty beer cans. 

Guy was in the middle of an exciting story or, at least, exciting to Guy. He was gesturing widely with his arms and you could hear his voice booming across the room. 

"—So then I knew my precious eternal rival would be in trouble on the mission alone, so I, as the great Blue Beast of Konoha, came to the rescue in the nick of time and gave Kakashi a chance to blast the enemies away with his world-renowned Chidori," Guy loudly proclaimed. 

Asuma and Kurenai chuckled, and Kurenai said something to Guy in response, but Iruka couldn't hear what she said. He was still looking at Kakashi and Kakashi was looking at him. It was as if the room had gone silent, and all Iruka could see was the silver-haired man in front of him. Kakashi's eye was half-lidded like it always is, but there was a subtle piercing gaze that made Iruka's heart skip a beat. He couldn't tell exactly what Kakashi's expression was, whether that was because of his mask, or the dark room, or that Iruka was drunk, but a part of him thought that Kakashi looked a bit frustrated. 

Suddenly, Iruka felt a poke on his lower back, bringing him back to reality. The room got loud again and Iruka turned his head to see Kotetsu and Izumo staring up at him in confusion. Iruka got down from his knees and sat facing the table again, face flushed even darker from his unexpected encounter.

"What were you looking at?" Izumo asked, moving his head to the side to see if he could get a glimpse. 

"Stop staring!" Iruka exclaimed. "Just act like you're talking to me."

"We are talking to you," Kotetsu smirked. "Now I REALLY want to know what got our little Iruka so distracted." 

He stood up from his seat and acted like he was stretching to see who Iruka was looking at. When he saw Kakashi sitting at his booth, now staring at Guy with a muted expression, his eyes lit up like a mischievous kid who just found all the Christmas presents hidden in the cupboard on Christmas Eve.

Kotetsu plopped back down on his seat and smirked wider than Iruka had ever seen.

"Ahh, so Iruka was doing some eye flirting with the great Konoha's Sharingan-no Hatake Kakashi," Kotetsu teased, slowly emphasizing every syllable in Kakashi's well-known nickname.

Iruka's blush deepened across the scar on his nose and cheeks, and he glared intently at Kotetsu. "No, I was NOT, Kotetsu, so you can just shut up now please."

Izumo and Kotetsu burst out laughing. "Oh, come on Iruka," Izumo said. "It’s been _years_ since you told us you had a thing for Kakashi; you don't have to hide it now." 

"Yeah Iruka, why don't you finally do something about it tonight?" Kotetsu asked. "It seems like Kakashi likes you too since he was always hanging around you and Naruto." 

"That's because Naruto was there," Iruka replied, rolling his eyes. "It's not like we ever talked about anything besides Naruto and his training," he grumbled, grabbing another beer. 

But that wasn't completely true. There was that one night, Iruka thought, his hand stilling on his beer. 

\--

It happened a few days after the Chunin exams ended. 

Naruto was discharged out of the hospital after his battle with Gaara, and they went to the memorial service for the Third Hokage and all the shinobi who had fallen from that day. Iruka decided to treat Naruto to some ramen after the memorial service to get both their morales up when Naruto insisted on his Kakashi-sensei coming too. Maybe a part of that was because Naruto just lost a pseudo-guardian and grandpa-like figure with the Third Hokage and wanted his only two somewhat parent-figures he had in his life to be together with him. 

But Naruto was more thoughtful and understanding than everyone assumed. He knew Kakashi would spend the rest of the day standing in the rain in his funeral attire looking at the memorial stone that had his friends' names etched onto it, and he wanted to make sure his sensei didn't spend the day alone. 

An hour later, Iruka and Kakashi walked Naruto back to his apartment from Ichiraku, with Naruto holding some extra take-out ramen that Kakashi bought him for his dinner later. Kakashi laid on the couch with his Icha Icha in hand and his legs crossed, while Iruka went about drawing Naruto a bath and bringing out his warmest pajamas for him to wear. 

"You just got out of the hospital, Naruto, and you need to make sure to take care of yourself or you're going to get sick," Iruka lectured, while remaking Naruto's bed and tucking the sheets into the corners. 

Naruto came out of the bathroom rubbing an old, ratted towel on top of his striking blonde hair, wearing gaudy bright orange pajamas that had green swirls all over them. 

"But I don't need to because I know you're going to take care of me, Iruka-sensei!" Naruto responded.

Iruka lightly smacked him on the back of his head as he said, "I won't always be around to take care of you Naruto, that's why I'm telling you this now." 

Naruto's eyes widened in a small panic. His voice got small when he said, "Why? Are you going to leave me? You're not going to leave me, are you?" 

Kakashi's eye twitched, almost imperceptibly.

Hearing that from Naruto broke Iruka's heart. He never looked smaller than in that moment, swallowed up by the oversized pajamas and his wet, drooping hair. He quickly took Naruto in his arms and gently patted him on the head. 

"No, Naruto. I'm not leaving you. I'll always be right here in Konoha making sure you don't get into too much trouble," he replied softly. 

He could feel Naruto relaxing in his arms. Iruka took the towel from his son-like student and dried his hair for him. 'I need to get him a new towel,' Iruka thought as he gently rubbed Naruto's hair. 

Once Naruto was dry, Iruka took him to the kitchen to explain how he needs to take his medicine that he brought from the hospital tomorrow morning. He then forced Naruto to get into bed and tucked him in tightly. 

"But Iruka-sensei," Naruto whined, "I don't want to sleep; it's not even dinner time yet."

"You have to get more rest while you can, Naruto," Iruka said gently but firmly, brushing his hand over Naruto's hair and tucking in the Kakashi plush toy next to him, which Naruto immediately cuddled. 

The real Kakashi stood up then, closing his book. Iruka had a feeling that Kakashi didn't read a single word since he came into Naruto's apartment, but he didn't comment on it. Kakashi walked over to Naruto's bedroom where Iruka was sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Iruka-sensei is right, Naruto," Kakashi said, looking at his student with a solemn eye. "It's been a long day for you, and even if your mind doesn't feel it right now your body still won't be able to keep up with it all. You need to rest as much as possible if you want to start training again."

Naruto mumbled a half-protest, but his eyes were already drooping, getting ready to fall asleep. 

Iruka brushed his hand over Naruto's hair one more time before he got up and walked over to where Kakashi was standing by the door. He turned off the lights in Naruto's room, and said, "Sleep well Naruto. I'll visit you tomorrow morning to make sure you're OK." 

He quietly shut the door and moved to the living room. He put Naruto's take-out ramen in the fridge and left the kitchen lamp on while turning off the living room light in case Naruto got up in the middle of the night. Kakashi was already standing by the front door with his shoes on by the time Iruka came back. Iruka quickly slipped on his own shoes and opened the door where a pouring onslaught of rain greeted them outside. His mouth gaped open and turned around to look at Kakashi, who was also staring at the rain morosely. 

Iruka had no desire to walk out in the rain, but he couldn't stand by Naruto's door all night. He assumed Kakashi would just start walking away, but he stayed still too. Almost too still, Iruka thought. Usually, Kakashi goes off on his own after they part ways with Naruto. 

Iruka, to break the uncomfortable silence, coughed slightly and said, "Well, I guess I'll see you later, Kakashi-san. Please be careful in this rain." 

He walked out the door and made it downstairs when Kakashi grabbed his wrist. 

Iruka turned around. They were both standing there with the water pelting down on them. Kakashi's silverish grey hair was hanging low, heavy from the rain, water dripping down the tips of his hair onto his black, long-sleeve shirt. Iruka's hair was still in his ponytail, but since he took off his hitae-ate the front strands were loosening and sticking to the sides of his face. 

Kakashi stood for a moment looking at Iruka, almost like he was deciding something, his gloved hand still on Iruka's wrist. 

"You can't walk out in this rain when it's pouring this badly," he finally said, dropping his hand. "My apartment is closer, you can stay there until the rain stops." 

Before Iruka could respond, Kakashi started walking towards his own apartment. Iruka stared at his back, completely stunned. Kakashi had never once offered Naruto or Iruka to come over to his apartment — Iruka didn't even know where Kakashi lived. He hesitated. Was it OK to go to Kakashi's apartment? Should he just go back to his own place? But Iruka knew he wasn't going to do that. He knew the second Kakashi offered that he would follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Iruka and Kakashi have more of a history than meets the eye. We'll soon find out what happened on this fateful night.


	3. The Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look into Iruka's memory. Kakashi and Iruka share some intimate experiences and stories after the Third Hokage's memorial service that build up to an intense moment.

Iruka caught up with Kakashi but trailed a bit behind him as they walked to Kakashi's place. Kakashi did live much closer to Naruto than Iruka did, so it only took them a few minutes to arrive. Even still, the rain was pouring heavily, as if it knew that it was a mournful day. 

They were thoroughly drenched by the time they got to Kakashi's door. Neither of them spoke a word on the walk back, and they still didn't say anything as Kakashi opened the door to his apartment.

Iruka slowly walked in, his arms to his side and his hands clenched, trying not to shiver from the cold. Kakashi quietly closed the door behind him, and the only noise was the sound of the lock clicking in place. 

Whether it was from the cold or his nervousness Iruka didn't know, but when the door closed he couldn't help but shiver. Kakashi looked at him then, his eye trailing over Iruka's face. The look alone made Iruka's throat hitch.

Kakashi broke the eye contact and took off his shoes and walked over to the bathroom. 

"You should take a bath too, Iruka-sensei, or you'll be the one who gets sick," Kakashi said, turning on the water. "I left a new towel by the sink, and I'll get you some dry clothes to wear in the meantime." 

He walked over to his bedroom, where Iruka heard the sound of a drawer opening and some clothes being taken out. Kakashi came back with a soft navy blue long sleeve and light grey sweatpants, placed them in the bathroom on top of the towel, and turned off the water. When he finished Iruka was still standing by the door.

"Everything OK, Iruka-sensei?" 

Iruka looked at him, eyes wide, trying to understand what was happening. How did he get from the Third Hokage's memorial service to Kakashi's apartment? With Kakashi telling him to take a bath? None of it made sense. Iruka — also exhausted from the strain of keeping it together for Naruto the past few days, trying to hold down his grief and the overwhelming feeling of what was happening right now — couldn't handle it any longer. 

He broke down, sobbing as his tears and the rain in his hair fell down together onto Kakashi's floor. He was gasping as he let every ounce of his grief run through his chest and his body. He cried and cried, unable to say a word, his head down and his hands clenched so hard that his knuckles were turning white. 

At first, Kakashi just stood there by the bathroom, letting Iruka get the first wave of grief out. But he never took his eye off of Iruka, looking somberly at the chunin. After a while, Iruka's tears turned into heaving gasps as he was unable to get a grasp on his rolling emotions. It was then that Kakashi walked over to Iruka and stood in front of him. He hesitated slightly, then put his right hand on Iruka's shoulder. 

Iruka, unable to control any of his emotions at that point, closed the distance between the two as he cried on Kakashi's shoulder. Iruka needed someone to hold him, to make him feel some human connection that helped stay away the giant void that was left with the Third Hokage's death. He needed someone to hold him together while he crumbled under the pressure of needing to always be a positive figure in Naruto's life.

He needed Kakashi. 

Kakashi's body froze when Iruka hugged him. His arms dangled to his side, not knowing what to do as he felt Iruka's hot tears seep into his already wet, cold shirt. 

Slowly, Kakashi put his arms around Iruka, trying to calm him down, and maybe calm himself down too. He couldn't remember the last time he hugged anyone like this for comfort. Any hugs he got that he could remember were from Naruto, when he would run up to Kakashi screaming, "Kaka-sensei!!" and wrap his arms tightly around his waist, the highest part Naruto could reach. 

After a while, Iruka's crying slowly abated. Neither of them said a word during this exchange, but Iruka already felt much better. He didn't realize how much of his emotions he had been keeping inside. He lifted his head from Kakashi's shoulder and they both let go of each other. Iruka, realizing what he just did, was mortified. 

He couldn't look at Kakashi in the eye when he wiped the remaining tears from his own and said, "I'm so sorry, Kakashi-san. I don't know what just came over me."

Kakashi was still looking at Iruka, his eye dry, but a look of deep sadness within it. 

"Iruka-sensei, look at me."

Iruka blushed slightly but looked up at Kakashi. 

"You don't ever have to apologize for letting your emotions out, especially to me. I know how much you hold together for Naruto, and I know how close you were to the Sandaime. If anything, I'm surprised you didn't do this sooner."

Iruka didn't know how to respond to that. He knew that Kakashi was perceptive, but he didn't know there was an empathetic kindness underneath it too. No wonder Naruto loved Kakashi so much. 

Iruka just nodded, feeling numb.

Kakashi went on, "Now if we stay in these wet clothes any longer we'll both get sick and neither of us will be any good for Naruto in that state. Go take a shower and I'll make us something warm." 

He turned around and made for the kitchen. 

Iruka slowly walked to the bathroom and closed the door. He placed his back against the wooden door and let out a shuddering breath before he closed his eyes. There weren't any more tears, but he felt like he only skimmed the top layer of grief he had in his heart.

He quickly took off all his wet clothes and stepped into the warm, heated bath that was ready for him before he could think any more about the fallen Hokage. 

The bath was a perfect temperature, and the hot steam rising around him fogging up the bathroom created a warm atmosphere that helped Iruka calm down. He was starting to breathe normally again, and he felt his muscles relaxing. 

He didn't take for granted that Kakashi just did for Iruka what Iruka did for Naruto an hour ago. 

He couldn't remember the last time someone drew a bath for him. It was probably his mother when he was a young boy. 

Iruka sunk deeper into the bath until the water reached his chin. Kakashi. Kakashi was a pro at holding in grief. He'd been doing it his whole life. But it was obvious that the Sandaime's death was affecting him deeply too; he just didn't let it show. Iruka wondered if that was the reason why Kakashi offered to let Iruka stay over until the rain stopped. Maybe Kakashi just wanted some company. Besides the stuff Naruto told Iruka about Kakashi — how he's always late and how he favors Sasuke — he's only heard of Kakashi as someone ruthless on the field, a genius, an unemotional, first-rate shinobi. 

But Iruka knew that wasn't the case. 

Kakashi was ruthless on missions, but he did everything for the sake of his team and Konoha. He risked his life to save Iruka on their mission together when Iruka was about to get killed. He was the one who sat and listened to him when he was worried that he could never be a proper sensei to Naruto, and convinced him that he was the only one who could help the poor child. Kakashi was also the one who came to the rescue of both Naruto and Iruka when they were overwhelmed by the three female rogue ninjas. Someone completely unemotional wouldn't do things like that. 

Whatever the reason was for Kakashi inviting him over, Iruka wasn't being very good company. All he did was cry and get Kakashi's floor wet, making his host take care of him. Iruka decided that he was going to be much better to Kakashi, and make sure Kakashi knew how much he appreciated him taking care of Naruto.

Iruka stood up from the water and grabbed the dry towel Kakashi left for him. He drained the water and re-filled the tub. He made sure the water temperature was just like how Kakashi made his, and he wiped down the mirror that was fogged up from the steam. Once he dried his body, he put on the shirt and sweats and rubbed his hair one more time. Iruka started to put it back up but changed his mind, deciding to let it air dry. He let his damp hair fall onto his shoulders again. He folded his wet clothes and left them in the corner of the bathroom next to the hamper. 

He opened the door and timidly poked his head out, and he heard Kakashi moving around the kitchen. Iruka stepped out and walked across the living room saying, "Thank you, Kakashi-san, I hope I didn't take too long. I refilled the tub so you should go —"

He stopped in his tracks. Kakashi was dicing an eggplant wearing nothing but his pants, while miso soup was simmering on the stove next to him. He had his hitae-ate and his mask off too. Iruka's mouth dropped open, and he couldn't take his eyes off of Kakashi. He had never seen the man without his mask. 

Kakashi continued cutting the eggplant as he said casually, “OK, sounds good. I'm making miso soup with eggplant. Can you add this in the soup while I go shower?"

It took Iruka a moment to find his words again. 

"B-But, Kakashi-san, your mask! You took it off!"

Kakashi looked down at his chest and then looked up at Iruka.

"Oh, right. I took it off because it was too wet. Why, does it bother you?"

"N-No," Iruka replied, "I just wasn't sure if you wanted me to see your face.”

Kakashi looked at him curiously with his one eye while the Sharingan-eye remained closed as if Kakashi was winking. 

He put the knife down on the cutting board and slowly walked over to Iruka, who was standing by the fridge. Kakashi inched closer and closer until Iruka's back was touching the fridge, the handle slightly digging into his side. 

Kakashi was standing so close that he could see that Kakashi's iris was a dark, stormy grey color, a nice contrast to his pale skin and the light silvery-grey on his head. Kakashi's eye slowly and lazily wandered over Iruka. 

"If I told you that I did want you to see me, how would you respond, Iruka-sensei?"

Iruka was at a loss for words again. He gulped while his cheeks gave him away. 

Kakashi smiled a bit, and Iruka immediately looked down at his mouth. He was actually getting to see Hatake Kakashi smile. He could see Kakashi's lips, thin but beautiful, and curved slightly upwards, lifting the beauty mark next to his mouth along with it. It was beautiful and subtle but, for some reason, resigned.

Kakashi sighed and reached out to pick up a strand of Iruka's still damp hair.

"Maa, you don't have to answer that. Besides, between the two of us, your hair being down is the bigger surprise," Kakashi said, smiling a bit wider but with his mouth still closed as he twirled Iruka's hair on his ungloved index finger. 

Iruka's blush deepened, covering his entire scar, but he still couldn't speak or take his eyes off the jonin. 

Kakashi smirked a little then, giving the strand of hair wrapped around his finger a small tug before letting go. 

"I'll be right back, Iruka-sensei. I finished cutting the eggplant, so you can put it in the soup now." 

As he turned and walked away he said, "Oh, and those clothes suit you very well."

The bathroom door closed behind him. Once he heard the door click, Iruka let out a shaky breath. He didn't realize he was holding it the whole time. He put his hand on his thumping heart, taking some deep breaths to calm himself down again before peeling himself off from the fridge door. He rubbed his side where the handle dug into. 

'What was that?' Iruka thought to himself. He never expected to see Kakashi without his mask. And what did Kakashi mean when he said what if he did want Iruka to see him without his mask? 

He shook his head. It was too confusing, and he didn't have the mental energy to think too hard about it or he would go crazy. Seeing Kakashi's bare face was already too much. 

He decided to do what he knew, which was to set the table and put the eggplant into the miso. He also boiled some water for tea and dug out the rice in the rice cooker for them both. There was some extra eggplant leftover, so he grabbed an egg from the fridge and coated the eggplant with it. He found a frying pan in a bottom cabinet and started heating up the stove. Once it was hot, he drizzled some oil and placed the egg-coated eggplant pieces onto the pan. Sounds of eggplant sizzling and the kettle boiling surrounded the kitchen, masking the sound of the rain pattering against the window.

Once the eggplant was done, Iruka turned off the heat on the stove. Kakashi only had tea packets, so Iruka took out two and placed them in mismatched orange and green cups he found next to the plates, which he also grabbed. He took the pan off the stove and shook the fried eggplant onto a plate. He took the tray that was sitting on the counter and placed the cups and the eggplant and turned around towards the dining table when he saw Kakashi standing in the kitchen, leaning on the doorway, watching him. 

It took everything for Iruka to not gasp or drop the tray. Kakashi was standing extremely still, and it seemed like he was there looking at Iruka for a while now. He was wearing a mask again; it was connected to the sleeveless, tight muscle shirt he had on. He also had on dark sweatpants that reached to his ankles. But he kept his hitae-ate off, so the one eye was still visibly closed. 

How long had Kakashi been there? Iruka had no idea. He didn't hear him come out of the bathroom at all, let alone change and walk over to the kitchen. Kakashi was so good at masking his chakra that Iruka didn't feel his presence in the slightest. This is going to be dangerous, Iruka thought once more.

Iruka looked down at the tray, trying to stay calm. 

"Uhm, I fried some eggplant with egg; I hope you don't mind. It seemed like you like eggplant, so I thought it'd be a good side dish."

"Mmm, yes I do like eggplant," Kakashi nodded. "I'm excited to try your eggplant, Iruka-sensei."

Iruka looked down again so Kakashi couldn't see him blush. The innuendo didn't move past him, but Iruka was going to assume Kakashi didn't mean it that way and he was only talking about the literal eggplant Iruka just made.

He walked to the dining table, his left side slightly brushing past Kakashi in the doorway. He placed the food and tea down where the rice and miso were already waiting. Kakashi sat down on the side facing the kitchen, and Iruka sat down across from him after he put the tray back on the kitchen counter. 

"Itadakimasu," they both said, reaching for their utensils.

Iruka took a sip of the soup while Kakashi tried the fried eggplant. Both tasted amazing after the long day they had.

"Maa, Iruka-sensei, this fried eggplant is very good," Kakashi said, reaching for another. 

"So is the soup, Kakashi-san," Iruka replied, smiling up at Kakashi. "I never tried eggplant in miso soup before, but it's good. I think I'll start making it this way too." 

Kakashi smiled back. Iruka never noticed the moments when Kakashi pulled his mask down to eat, but he didn't try to. He just focused on the food to give Kakashi his privacy, even though he just saw him without his mask.

They were both hungry, so they ate in silence and the food quickly disappeared. When Kakashi drank the last sip of his tea, he placed the green mug onto the table and sighed deeply in contentment.

"Thank you for the meal, Kakashi-san," Iruka said, holding his orange mug with both hands. "It was very comforting after today." 

Kakashi stared out his living room window, watching the rain hit the metal railing on the staircase. 

"Mmm, yes, we could all use some comfort right now, couldn't we," he quietly replied. 

He stood up from his chair and gathered the empty dishes. Before Iruka could open his mouth to say that he would do the dishes, Kakashi interrupted. 

"Don't worry about the dishes. I can do it later. I'd rather spend this time with you right now."

Iruka's eyes went wide. He turned around to look at Kakashi as he went back to the kitchen and placed the dirty dishes in the sink. He then opened his fridge and took out two bottles of sake and two sake cups in his cabinet. He walked back over to Iruka, who was still sitting on his chair holding his tea mug.

"Come on, let's have a drink by the kotatsu. It doesn't look like the rain is going to let up any time soon," Kakashi said softly, walking to the center of the living room where his kotatsu was. 

Iruka, still unsure what to make of the situation, put his mug down on the dining table and slowly made his way where Kakashi was already sitting with the blanket over his lap. Kakashi poured them both some sake. They lifted their cups and Kakashi quietly murmured, "To the Sandaime." 

Iruka nodded back, unable to say the words for fear that he would cry again. They both drank at the same time and put their cups down. Kakashi refilled them both, and Iruka immediately finished the second cup too. Kakashi didn't say anything, but he looked at Iruka as he filled his cup again. 

Iruka needed the liquid courage to get through whatever was happening and, quite frankly, he had planned on getting drunk at his own house by himself anyway after dropping off Naruto, so he figured he might as well start here. 

Iruka sipped the third one this time before he took a deep breath to speak.

"The Sandaime was the only person who cared for me after my parents died from the Kyuubi attack," Iruka began. 

"You think Naruto was bad, but I made so much trouble around the village all the adults hated me. I did everything I could to get attention, but the Sandaime was the only one who really knew how sad I was. He caught me crying at the memorial stone one day, and when I tried to talk big and act like I wasn't sad, he stopped me. 'That's enough,' he said. He knew everything already. He knew how I hugged my knees and cried whenever I was alone."

Kakashi silently downed his second cup of sake. 

"He held me and told me I wasn't alone, and asked me if I had it," Iruka whispered.

"It?" Kakashi asked.

"The Will of Fire," Iruka replied, his eyes watering. 

Iruka tilted his head back and gulped the rest of his drink. But when he placed his cup back on the table, he stared fiercely at Kakashi, his eyes blazing.

"That's when I knew what the Will of Fire was. I knew my parents died for it, and I've lived my life with it in me ever since. The Sandaime died with his whole heart believing in it too, in us. I don't know what's going to happen in the future, to Naruto, or me, or you, but I do know damn well that I will continue to live with it in me, and I will die with it too."

Kakashi stared at Iruka, his eye widening ever so slightly as Iruka's voice became more and more passionate.

"You know, Iruka-sensei, I was thinking about the time when you and I were on the rooftop with the Sandaime after our mission, and you told him that you wanted to become an Academy teacher,” Kakashi started. “I never told you, but when you left afterward the Sandaime asked me if I thought you would make a good Academy teacher. I told him I didn't know you well enough to answer that, but what I did know is that you almost died trying to stop another village's kid from getting killed. Granted, that kid was used as bait to draw us in, but you knew that and went in anyway. Anyone who did something like that was not cut out for rough missions.”

Iruka frowned and looked down at his cup. Kakashi went on as if he didn't notice.

"Anyone who did something like that was too good for missions. Too good for this world," Kakashi spoke, his voice getting softer. "I told him a good person like you would probably be the best Academy teacher Konoha could have. Because you would teach your students that the Will of Fire extends to all humanity, not just Konoha. And teaching shinobi about compassion, empathy, love, especially when facing an enemy...it's not easy. Trust me, I would know. I had none of it when I was young, and I made decisions that I'll regret for the rest of my life because of that."

Kakashi downed another shot of sake before continuing.

"And now look what happened. You taught Naruto, a kid who grew up with only hatred and solitude staring him in the face, and he saved Konoha from a mass attack with no one thanking him in return. He defeated Gaara, a Jinchuriki kid who grew up the same way he did, only he didn't have you. Naruto defeated Gaara with compassion that day, not ability."

Iruka didn't know what to say. He didn't know Kakashi felt or thought that way about him at all. He always thought Kakashi disregarded him as simply Naruto's former Academy teacher. He didn't know what to say, so he poured Kakashi's sake this time. 

"Even during our first real mission as Team 7, Naruto's compassion is what changed everything. I was only thinking about ending it quickly, wanting to get to Sasuke who was down," Kakashi frowned.

"Yes, it was upsetting to see Haku jump in front of my Chidori and sacrifice himself for Zabuza, but I was still ready to kill Zabuza and finish the mission. Before I could, Gato and his henchmen came, and Zabuza ended our battle. But Naruto wasn't thinking about any of that. He was crying for Haku, the enemy who he thought killed Sasuke, his best friend. It was devastating for Naruto to see Zabuza talk about Haku like he was disposable. Naruto cried and cried, screaming at Zabuza, telling him how much Haku cared for him. And it worked. Zabuza, the Demon of the Hidden Mist, the savagely cruel man who killed over a hundred Academy students, was standing there, crying. Tears poured down his cheeks as he cried for Haku, who he actually cherished above all else. And Zabuza spent his last moments avenging Haku against the terrible shinobi system that brought him to where he was and killed Gato. His final request to me was to place him next to Haku as he died."

Iruka slowly shook his head in disbelief. He remembered Naruto telling him about this mission while they were at Ichiraku, but Naruto didn't mention any of these details. He just told Iruka that he feels like he got stronger after the mission and that he learned a lot. When Iruka pressed him for details, Naruto couldn't remember anything except that Kakashi had cool ninken and that he made a new friend named Inari. 

"After we buried them, Naruto came up to me. He asked me if it was OK that he liked Zabuza and Haku, even though they were his enemies. How he decided to pursue his own Way of Ninja after fighting against and with them. He said, 'I'm gonna sprint ahead and pursue a way that I absolutely won't regret,'" Kakashi said, smiling to himself. "That's when I knew. That's when I knew I did the right thing by telling the Sandaime that he should make you an Academy teacher, and by listening to you when you were struggling with Naruto. Because I knew you were the only person who could make sure Naruto grew up well. And you exceeded every expectation I ever had. You showed Naruto that you valued his life, and taught Naruto how to value others, even shinobi life, something I had dismissed a long time ago."

Kakashi hesitated before he said his last bit.

"That was the same rooftop where the Sandaime told me he was taking me off as Anbu captain and placing me as a genin team leader. Just as he knew you were struggling as a child, he knew I was struggling as an adult. I was taught valuable lessons through Anbu, and I have no regrets joining under the Fourth Hokage, but at a certain point, it was crushing my spirit. I was losing sight of my purpose, my reasons for living. I was becoming a mere tool for the village's existence, the same thing that Naruto fought so hard against Zabuza. So I eventually became the team leader for those three brats, and I'm grateful for it every day."

Kakashi stopped talking and finished the sake that Iruka poured him. Iruka also finished what was in his cup. He couldn't believe what Kakashi was telling him. He had never heard Kakashi talk so much, yet it was everything Iruka needed to hear. Feeling tipsy from the sake and more courageous, Iruka reached over and cupped Kakashi's cheek with his right hand. It was covered with the mask, but Kakashi still felt warm underneath it. 

"Thank you for telling me this, Kakashi-san. And thank you for taking care of Naruto and his teammates. I've been wanting to tell you that for a while now," Iruka said, his thumb idly caressing the edge of Kakashi's mask. "If it wasn't for you, I might have given up on Naruto at the Academy. And if it wasn't for you, Naruto would certainly be dead already. It's clear that you've been keeping an eye out for Naruto for a long time now, maybe even longer than I have. And you were right about them joining the Chunin exam. You believed in them when I didn't, and you made them stronger for it. I'm very thankful for —"

Iruka stopped as Kakashi's hand went up and held his. His hand was cold and pale white, contrasting with Iruka's hand, which was warm and tan. 

Kakashi kept Iruka's hand in place as he slowly closed his eyes. He rested his cheek on Iruka's hand and sighed deeply. 

Iruka held his breath.

"Uhm, are you OK, Kakashi-san?" 

He didn't respond.

"Kakashi-san?" 

Kakashi kept his eyes shut, but his hand tightened around Iruka's. 

"Be quiet for a moment, Iruka-sensei. I think this is good for me, right now."

Iruka, although a bit flustered, understood what Kakashi meant. It was the same when Iruka cried on his shoulder earlier. 

Kakashi didn't have any tears, but his hand never let go, and Iruka continued to lightly caress Kakashi's cheek.

Eventually, Kakashi let Iruka's hand go and his own dropped down to his side again. He lifted his cheek off of Iruka's hand and opened his eyes.

They looked at each other in silence. The air was heavy with unspoken words, unspoken feelings. Neither could express what they really felt. It was a mix of bad circumstances and fear of what could happen if they did. 

Iruka spoke first.

"Uhm, I should go take care of our wet clothes," Iruka mumbled, gripping the couch behind him to make his way up. 

"I already put our clothes in the dryer," Kakashi said, remaining in his seat and looking up at Iruka. 

He ignored Kakashi and stood up anyway. But when Iruka turned towards the laundry room Kakashi was already standing in front of him, blocking his way. 

"How did you —"

He grabbed Iruka hard by his shoulders.

"Iruka, we can't keep ignoring this."

Kakashi's voice was rough. His hands were gripping Iruka's shoulders, and Iruka didn't miss how Kakashi dropped the honorifics this time. 

"Ignoring what?" Iruka asked, his voice nothing but a whisper. His usually loud voice was caught in his throat. 

Kakashi had both eyes open, his Sharingan slowly rotating to show its tomoes. Iruka had never seen the Sharingan so up close before, and it was impossible to look away.

Kakashi knew the effect his Sharingan was having on Iruka, but at that point, he didn't care. He knew he would regret it the next day, but right now he needed to know that Iruka felt the same way. He needed to know that Iruka needed Kakashi as much as he needed Iruka in that moment. 

His Sharingan was looking into Iruka’s memories. The first thing he saw was Iruka in the bath an hour ago, deciding to be nicer to Kakashi. The memory dissolved, the bathroom turning into the mission room, and he was looking at himself and Iruka arguing about Team 7 participating in the Chunin exams. Iruka's face was turning red, angry at the words Kakashi was saying to him. The Kakashi watching the memory cringed as he saw Iruka's hurt expression when the Kakashi of the past told him to stay out of his business, reminding Iruka that Team 7 is under his command now. That was definitely a fight he neither expected nor wanted to have with the Academy teacher.

The memory changed, this time to Iruka standing alone by the hospital entrance, relief flooding his unusually pale face seeing Kakashi emerge out of the woods holding Naruto in his arms as Sasuke and Sakura walked beside them, leaning on each other for support. The medics came rushing out from behind Iruka towards Naruto and the others.

Kakashi gently placed Naruto onto the stretcher and quietly told the other Team 7 members to join their teammate for a check-up. They all walked past Iruka into the hospital except Kakashi, who stopped a little ways from him. 

"How is Naruto?" Iruka asked, unable to say anything else.

"Naruto will be fine. From what I heard from Pakkun, he had quite the battle against Gaara. He saved Sasuke and Sakura, and apparently gave them a big smile before he dropped unconscious."

"Thank Kami," Iruka laughed shakily as he wiped a tear from falling. 

The memory changed again. Now all Kakashi could see was flashes of Iruka and Naruto over the years. Them laughing over ramen at Ichiraku's. Naruto cleaning the paint off the Hokage Monument while Iruka chastised him. Iruka hurling himself between a giant shuriken and Naruto. 

Naruto. 

Kakashi knew why Iruka was refusing to act on his feelings, even though he knew Iruka had them for him. He knew it was one of the same reasons why he wasn't acting on them either. 

Naruto meant too much to Iruka. And their relationship, whatever it was, started as a result of Naruto. 

Iruka wouldn't do anything to jeopardize Naruto's well-being, even if it meant his own suffering.

Kakashi closed his Sharingan and let Iruka's shoulders go. Iruka stumbled down onto the couch, dizzy from having his mind opened with the Sharingan. 

Kakashi looked down at Iruka who had his eyes closed and his hand on his chest, trying to calm his racing heart. 

"I know you know what, and I also know why you're ignoring it," Kakashi said sharply, answering Iruka's whisper. "But I need you to hear this from me now." 

Kakashi took Iruka's chin and pulled it up. He had both his eyes open again and was staring intensely at Iruka.

"I'm a patient man, Iruka, and I'm willing to wait as long as it takes for you to come to me. But know that I won't be this open to you again until you tell me to. You think you have too much to lose by taking that risk with me, but I have _everything_ to lose. So take your time, but don't forget what I just told you." 

The dryer buzzed then, signaling its completion. The rain had also stopped sometime during the middle of Kakashi's memory probe. 

Kakashi dropped his hand from Iruka's chin and turned away towards the laundry room. Iruka remained still on the couch, mind reeling from what he just heard. There was no point in Kakashi telling him to remember his words — Iruka knew he would never be able to forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi and Iruka have a lot of heat between them and they both know it. But as they missed their chance to act on it the first time, will there be a second? Let's find out.


	4. The Walk Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're back at the bar, and Iruka can't stop thinking about Kakashi. Luckily for him, Kakashi is planning on doing much more than just look at Iruka from afar.

And Iruka didn't forget. He thought about what Kakashi said constantly, especially for that first week after he left Kakashi's apartment with his freshly dried clothes on. He thought about it as he went back to Naruto's apartment the next morning along with a new towel to make sure Naruto took his medicine. He thought about it walking to work every day. He even thought about it while he cried alone in his bedroom at night, days after Naruto left with Jiraiya. And Iruka was thinking about it now, at the bar with Kotetsu and Izumo, with Kakashi himself sitting three booths behind him. 

"Oi, Iruka, earth to Iruka," Kotetsu said, his voice sounding far away. Kotetsu was waving his hand in front of Iruka's face as he repeated, "Oi, Iruka, are you listening to a single thing I'm saying?"

Iruka's eyes came back up again, looking at his friends with a startled look on his face. 

"Oh, sorry. What did you say?"

Koketsu sighed. 

Izumo, looking at Iruka with a small smile, replied, "It's OK, Iruka. We're just teasing you with this whole Kakashi thing. We just want you to be happy."

"Yeah, and get you laid for once," Kotetsu mumbled under his breath. 

Izumo elbowed him in the ribs.

"It's getting late, Iruka. Kotetsu and I are going to head back. Do you want us to walk you home?" Izumo asked, ignoring Kotetsu's grumbling as he rubbed the place where Izumo elbowed him.

Iruka shook his head. 

"No, it's OK. You guys go ahead. I'm gonna get one more drink before I go."

"Are you sure? You shouldn't walk home alone in your state," Izumo said, looking concerned. 

"It's OK, go, go. I'll be fine."

Iruka forced a smile on his face to placate his friend.

Izumo and Kotetsu gave their friend one more look before nodding and getting up from their bench. Kotetsu patted Iruka on his shoulder as they walked past him and out the door. 

Iruka sighed and got up from the booth towards the bar. Since he was alone now he didn't want to take up an entire booth. He sat at the stool and ordered a whiskey. He wanted something stronger, to feel the alcohol heating his chest. Once the bartender left his mind trailed back to that day with Kakashi.

It's been nearly a year since that day, and Iruka and Kakashi had hardly interacted. For the first couple of months after Naruto's departure, Iruka and Kakashi didn't see each other at all. Iruka had a feeling Kakashi was deliberately avoiding the mission desk during his shifts. Kakashi started taking more long-term missions too, since all three of his students left with the Legendary Sannins. 

Over time, that just became their new normal. Iruka worked extra shifts, took a new job for the Fifth Hokage filing her documents, and put the rest of his time into his Academy students. 

A part of him was glad for the distance; he wasn't ready to face Kakashi again. He knew it was cowardly, but he didn't know what to say to him. 

More than anything, though, Iruka missed Kakashi. He missed seeing him walk up to the mission desk with his genin team behind him while he already knew they were coming because he heard Naruto screaming, "Sakura-chaaaaan!" down the hallway. He missed the occasional ramen dinners at Ichiraku with Kakashi and Naruto after their mission or training ended. And he missed the Kakashi that held Iruka while he cried, the Kakashi that held Iruka's hand to his cheek for comfort. 

Iruka took a sip of his whiskey. 

After some time, Kakashi and Iruka started seeing more of each other around the village again. Sometimes he'd see Kakashi at the mission desk, and they would be very polite to each other, but strictly professional. Iruka would thank Kakashi for his hard work, and Kakashi would nod and walk away. 

Then one day, Iruka walked into Ichiraku for dinner and Kakashi was there, a half-eaten bowl of miso ramen in front of him with Icha Icha Paradise in his left hand. The only seat available was on Kakashi's left, so Iruka timidly walked towards the seat and sat next to him. He ordered miso ramen with extra charshu and a bottle of sake before turning to Kakashi.

"Hi, Kakashi-san, I haven't seen you here in a while."

"Mmm, I suppose it has been a while since I've eaten here," Kakashi murmured, turning a page of his book.

Teuchi, the owner, turned around with Iruka's ramen in hand while his daughter, Ayame, put the sake down. As Teuchi placed Iruka's steaming ramen in front of him, he said, "Please come more often! You both are important to Naruto, so it's important you eat Naruto's favorite food while he can't!" 

Iruka gave an awkward, forced laugh and scratched his nose. Kakashi gave a small smile and looked back down at his book. 

For the next few minutes, Iruka and Kakashi ate in silence. He never saw Kakashi move except to turn the page, but somehow his ramen was steadily disappearing. 

Iruka took a drink of his sake. He couldn't stand the tension building inside of him. While Kakashi looked totally unphased and almost bored, Iruka wanted to scream or run away or do both at the same time. 

He placed the sake cup down and spoke again to Kakashi. 

"So, have you been well, Kakashi-san? I know you've been taking longer missions lately, so you must be tired," Iruka said, glancing over. 

Kakashi, not looking up from his book, replied, "Ma, it's not so bad. I'm used to long missions, and now that I no longer have a genin team, I have a lot of time on my hands." 

Kakashi smiled, but it didn't totally reach his eyes. 

Iruka turned his head to look properly at Kakashi.

"I heard you got badly injured two weeks ago during your mission at Iwagakure." Iruka frowned in consternation. "Haven't you been in bed rest this whole time?"

Kakashi looked up from his book then. 

"Ma, ma, sensei, have you been checking up on me?" Kakashi asked, teasingly.

Iruka turned his head the opposite way while sputtering, "O-of course not, don't be ridiculous; i-it's my job to check the mission reports and I saw yours! And since you're important to Konoha, I was concerned for a fellow shin—"

"Is that the only reason why you were concerned, Iruka-sensei?" Kakashi quietly interrupted.

Iruka looked at Kakashi again. All Iruka could think was, 'No, it's because you're important to me and that terrifies me.'

Instead, Iruka responded, "You're important to your friends and the people who love you, like Naruto. And it would be very sad if something bad happened to you."

"So you would be sad if something bad were to happen to me?" Kakashi asked, quirking his head to the side.

A pink hue spread over Iruka's cheeks, and he looked down at his lap before he took a deep breath and looked back up.

"Yes," he replied, simply.

Kakashi blinked. He looked thoughtfully at Iruka for a minute. 

"Well, I'm glad to know you would be concerned if I were to get hurt," Kakashi eventually said. 

He smiled again and this time, it reached his eyes. "But you don't have to worry, Iruka-sensei. I'm quite good at what I do and I'm nothing if not careful."

Kakashi stood up then. His book was already in his pocket and the money for his ramen on the table. His bowl was also completely empty. 

"When did you —"

"Thank you for your company tonight, Iruka-sensei," Kakashi went on, lifting his right hand up as a goodbye. "I hope you have a good night." 

And he was gone.

Months passed, and while Kakashi and Iruka's interactions were more casual after that encounter at Ichiraku, they never mentioned anything about that night in Kakashi's apartment, acting as if it never happened. 

Iruka put his elbow on the table and plonked his chin on the palm of his hand, sighing heavily. 

When Kakashi picked up all his papers this morning, it had been two months since they last saw each other. Kakashi had gone off on a top-secret mission, something even Iruka didn't know the details about. Iruka just knew that he didn't see Kakashi around anywhere for two months, not that he was keeping tabs or anything. 

The whiskey was starting to run through Iruka, and he could feel it numbing his body. He was so tired of feeling wound up, anxious about how Naruto's doing and — though he refused to admit it to himself — worried about Kakashi. At least Naruto had Jiraiya with him. 

The whiskey felt nice, so Iruka tilted his head back and drank the rest of it down in one gulp. 

People in the bar were gradually heading out. Anko, Genma, and Raido were already long gone to a different bar. The Academy teachers also got up to leave, waving goodbye to Iruka as they left their table. This particular bar closes earlier than others in the village, so people who want to stay out later tend to move onto other bars. Iruka was just going to go back home so he stayed, too deep in his thoughts to notice the bar was almost empty. 

He also didn't notice Kakashi looking at him again from his booth. He, Guy, Kurenai, and Asuma were still there, a few more empty sake bottles littering their table. Guy's face was purple and tears were streaming down his face while he hiccuped every few sentences as he drunkenly praised his favorite student, Rock Lee. Asuma and Kurenai, both their cheeks slightly pink from the sake, signaled for the tab. They all got up to leave, except Kakashi.

With his eye still on Iruka he said, "Go ahead. I have some business to take care of here."

Guy was so drunk he was already out the door, but Kurenai and Asuma looked at each other for a brief second before looking back down at Kakashi. They nodded and said good night, deciding not to comment on what he said. But they wished Iruka luck in their heads as they walked out the bar, grabbing a wobbling Guy on either side. 

Kakashi took a sip of the beer still in his hand.

Today was his first day off in two months. He left to Kirigakure for an undercover solo mission, and it took longer to complete than he expected. So today, after a long morning nap, he walked outside to read on his favorite tree when Iruka passed by him, grumbling to himself something about ink being impossible to scrub off. 

It was an even more unexpected surprise when he walked in the bar tonight and saw the back of Iruka's head, sitting at a booth with two of his chunin friends. It was an opportunity Kakashi wasn't going to let go of, so he insisted to Guy and the others that they should stay at this bar. 

The six sake bombs, two beers, and whiskey were finally catching up to Iruka. He placed his head on the table to stop the room from spinning. When he lifted his head back up, Kakashi was sitting on the stool next to him staring ahead, beer in his hand. 

Iruka jolted slightly. "Oh —K-kakashi-san," Iruka stammered. "I didn't hear you sit down."

"I didn't expect to see you tonight, Iruka-sensei. I saw Kotetsu and Izumo leaving a little while ago; why didn't you leave with them?" Kakashi asked, placing his beer down on the table. 

Iruka finally looked around and saw the bar was practically empty, with only a few stragglers sitting in the corners. He noticed Kakashi's group was also gone.

"Your friends left too, why didn't you leave with them?" Iruka countered.

Kakashi smiled amusingly. 

"Well, I asked you first, but to answer your question, I didn't leave with Guy and the others because I wanted to stay and talk to you," Kakashi said, casually.

Iruka didn't know how to respond. He just said, "I see," looking down at his empty whiskey glass.

After another second, Iruka said, "I wanted to stay a little while longer, try to clear my mind about some stuff."

Kakashi raised his eyebrows. 

"And what stuff is it you're trying to clear your mind from exactly?" 

Iruka's eyes slowly met Kakashi's. Unlike Kakashi, Iruka's eyes couldn't hide his emotions — they reveal Iruka's truths even as he tries to hide them. 

They were wistful, tinged with weariness, but also like they were fighting an urge. 

Iruka was battling with himself, wondering if he should be honest. A part of him, the drunk part, wanted to tell Kakashi everything, how he'd been tormenting himself thinking about him. There was still the part of him, no matter how drunk he was, that was scared of the risk, the risk of bearing his feelings. It didn't matter what Kakashi told him that night at his apartment; Iruka was still scared. Iruka even questioned at times if that moment was all in his head, since it had been so long ago and Kakashi acted so convincingly like it never happened. 

But tonight, the drunk part of him was winning out. He was exhausted, tired of thinking about Kakashi when the real Kakashi was sitting right next to him. Iruka opened his mouth to speak when the bartender interrupted. 

"Hey guys, we're closing now. Here's your receipt for the bill."

The bartender handed Kakashi his receipt and headed his way to the kitchen.

"Oh, wait!" Iruka cried out. "I didn't pay my tab yet!" 

The bartender turned around and said, "The gentleman next to you already paid your tab, including tip. Have a nice night." 

The kitchen doors shut behind him. 

Kakashi got up from the stool, his stance nonchalant. 

"Are you ready to go?" he asked.

Iruka turned back to Kakashi. 

"Kakashi-san, you didn't need to pay my tab, I drank so much tonight!" Iruka said, scrambling to find his wallet. "I'll pay you back."

"No, it's OK. I only did that so I had an excuse to get drinks with you again," Kakashi said, amusing himself. 

Iruka was too drunk to fully comprehend what Kakashi said. At any rate, he was having trouble finding his wallet, so he had no choice but to accept. He got up from his seat. His vision was hazy, and he had to place his hand on the stool for balance. 

"Are you OK, Iruka-sensei?"

"Yes, I'm fine," Iruka replied, not realizing he was swaying slightly. 

Iruka walked past Kakashi and out the door, while Kakashi followed closely behind.

The air was cool and the streets weren't as bustling as they were earlier. Iruka took a deep breath in, the cool, night air filling his lungs. It felt amazing after the heat from the whiskey. The smell of yakiniku and street food lingered in the air. Kakashi and Iruka started walking, and the farther they got from the town area with its many lights the more stars they could see. There wasn't a cloud in sight, and the full moon shined brightly along with the infinite stars scattered all over the sky. 

Iruka, seeing this, gasped and said, "Wow, Kakashi-san, look! There are so many stars tonight!" He started walking backward to face Kakashi, and craned his neck to look up at the sky. The cool weather felt so nice on Iruka's skin after sitting inside for most of the day. His body was relaxed from the alcohol, and Kakashi was back, safe in the village. Iruka felt content at that moment, staring up at the stars, walking with Kakashi.

Kakashi murmured yes, the stars do look nice tonight. But he wasn't looking at the stars. He was looking at Iruka. He smiled to himself, watching Iruka being drunk. Kakashi drank a fair amount tonight too, but he was handling the alcohol much better than Iruka. Iruka was trying to keep a straight line, looking back and righting himself before he could hit the fence on either side. There was no need for Iruka to walk backward, but his uninhibited, drunk self was letting his goofier side loose. 

Iruka, wanting to feel as much of the air as possible, took off his hitae-ate from his forehead. The front strands of his hair swayed with the breeze, and Iruka had to keep pushing them away from his face so he could look up. He clumsily stuffed the hitae-ate into his pocket, half of it sticking out. 

Kakashi, on the other hand, kept his on, but his flak vest was unzipped and his navy blue sleeves rolled to his forearms. He had his gloved hands in his front pockets as he casually walked a little behind Iruka, who was still facing Kakashi as he walked and looked at the stars. 

That was why Iruka didn't notice a big rock in his path. One moment Iruka was pointing out the Big Dipper and the next he was falling back, stumbling as his foot caught on the rock.

But before he could even cry out, Kakashi had his left arm wrapped around the back of Iruka's waist, catching his fall. Iruka looked up. His view of the sky was suddenly a view of Kakashi's concerned but slightly amused face looking down at him. 

"Are you OK, Iruka-sensei?" Kakashi asked a second time that night.

Iruka was so drunk the only thing he could think to say was the first thing on his mind. 

"How do you always do that?"

Kakashi, still holding Iruka, scrunched his face in confusion. 

"Do what?" he responded.

"You know, just...show up! I never hear or see you and suddenly you're right next to me! You did it at the bar earlier, you did it this morning, you did it in your —"

Iruka stopped himself. He almost said, "in your apartment." 

Kakashi looked at Iruka as he caught himself mid-sentence. He tightened his grip on Iruka's waist.

"In my what, Iruka-sensei? You didn't finish your thought," he smiled, his eye crinkling shut.

Iruka felt very self-conscious, his eyes darting to look at anything other than Kakashi's looming face, which suddenly felt way too close for comfort. But his mind was foggy, and he couldn't think of a way to get out of responding.

"I-in your...apartment...," he trailed off, blush blooming over his nose. 

Iruka was kicking himself on the inside. How could he have brought it up now, in this state? What was he going to do? He could never face Kakashi again. He knew he shouldn't have drunk so much tonight. 

Kakashi smiled like he was satisfied with something. He put Iruka back on his feet. 

"I think it's you being unaware of your surroundings more than anything I do," Kakashi said, putting his hands back in his pockets and looking up at the sky, thinking. "This morning you had your books so you couldn't see me, earlier you had your head down at the bar, and as for the apartment..."

Kakashi looked back at Iruka, whose cheeks looked like they were going to have a permanent rosy tint to them from this conversation. 

"Well, as for the apartment, I think I just wanted to be close to you then," Kakashi finished, his tone light but his look tender. 

Iruka felt his heart tremor. He didn't expect tonight to go this way at all. He thought about Kakashi every day for two months, wondering how he was doing, and suddenly they're walking together under the starlight, talking about the moment they shared almost a year ago. He scratched his nose and couldn't help but smile.

They were standing two feet apart. The sound of crickets chirping in the grass filled the air. They were far from the center of town now, and the only light was the one street lamp lit a little ways ahead. It was just the two of them, standing in the middle of the dirt path. 

"I missed you," Iruka said, the words tumbling out of his mouth before he could register what he was saying.

Kakashi looked inquisitive. 

"You did?" 

"Yes," Iruka said, unable to stop himself. "That's what I was trying to clear my mind about tonight. I thought about you all the time. I was so worried you got hurt when you didn't come back after the first month. I wanted to share Naruto's letters with you every time they arrived, but I didn't know how to tell you. I missed our Ichiraku dinners, I missed talking to you at the mission desk, and I missed that night with you at your apartment." 

Iruka's eyes started to water, and he tilted his head back to stop them from pooling. He was emotional because he was drunk, but he also knew he had been holding all this in for so long, and his emotions were overflowing now that he had Kakashi in front of him again.

Kakashi stared up at the sky as if there was something fascinating up there, letting Iruka collect himself. 

"Mmm, I see. It has been a while since that night, hasn't it? We had no idea Naruto would leave us for so long, or that so much would happen with my team. We both kept ourselves busy since, and I suppose we haven't had a chance to talk much."

Kakashi started walking again, passing the street lamp. Iruka, wiping his eyes dry, ran to catch up to Kakashi, slowing his pace to match his once he caught up beside him. Kakashi continued on.

"Iruka-sensei, if you have things you want to share with me, like Naruto's letters, there's no need to hesitate. I would love to see how Naruto's doing. He sent me a few letters too, but most of them are of him complaining about Jiraiya-sama doing nothing but his 'research'."

Kakashi put up air-quotes when he said research, making Iruka chuckle.

"Of course, that's good news for me because that means I may get a new Icha Icha soon, but it would be nice to know how Naruto is doing with his training, which I'm sure he tells his most precious sensei all about," Kakashi said, turning his head to smile kindly at Iruka. "And, well, the mission desk and Ichiraku..."

Kakashi rubbed the back of his neck, looking uncomfortable. 

"Honestly, I think I was avoiding you for a bit after that night at my apartment. I felt bad about what happened. I invaded your privacy, and I think I came on a bit too strong at the end. I don't regret what I said, but there was probably a better way and a better time to have said it." Kakashi said, looking abashed. "I'm sorry, Iruka-sensei. I hope my actions didn't upset you too much."

Iruka looked at Kakashi who was avoiding his eyes. Iruka was dumbfounded. 

"Kakashi-san...this whole time...I thought you were avoiding me...because you were angry at me," Iruka said slowly, processing what Kakashi just told him.

He breathlessly let out a single laugh, a smile slowly creeping onto his face.

"You don't have to apologize to me, Kakashi-san. I wasn't upset at what you did. I was upset because I thought you didn't want to talk to me again," Iruka said, relieved.

Kakashi let his hand go from his neck. He looked at Iruka, perturbed.

"Why would you think that after what I told you that night?"

"Because!" Iruka exclaimed. "You acted like nothing happened so well that I was starting to wonder if it even did happen! After a while I just thought, maybe it's because you were drinking and sad from the funeral, so you said things you didn't mean."

Iruka frowned, a little miffed at all the nights he spent unnecessarily upset about Kakashi. The voice he used to lecture his students and shinobi who submitted subpar mission reports started coming out. He turned and poked Kakashi hard on his bicep.

"Also, if this whole time you were avoiding me because you were sorry, why didn't you say so earlier!? I could have avoided so many nights going crazy thinking about you!"

"Ow, sensei, that hurt," Kakashi teased, rubbing his arm as if it actually hurt him. 

He wiggled his eyebrows and looked at Iruka impishly.

"So, you were going crazy thinking about me, huh?" 

Iruka rolled his eyes and said, "Oh, shut up."

"Ma, sensei, I have to say I'm glad to have run into you at the bar tonight. If not, I would have never heard you say that you're crazy about me," Kakashi said smiling, his gait noticeably lighter.

"I didn't say I'm crazy about you, I said I went crazy thinking about you!" Iruka loudly corrected, wincing to himself because he knew it was only a hair's difference between the two. 

"Hai, hai, I understand," Kakashi replied, still smiling.

He stopped walking. It took Iruka a second to see they had arrived at his apartment building. 

"Oh, we're here already, I didn't even realize," Iruka said, looking up at the building.

"See, Iruka-sensei? I told you that it's your spatial unawareness," Kakashi said happily.

Iruka rolled his eyes again, mumbling under his breath, "And whose fault is it that I keep getting distracted?" 

Kakashi smiled widely again, looking happier than Iruka had seen in a long time.

"Well, Iruka-sensei, I hope you enjoyed this walk as much as I have tonight," he said. 

Iruka looked up at Kakashi, feeling a bit sad the night was ending. He didn't want to stop talking to Kakashi after it had been so long. 

"Uhm, do you want to come up for some tea? I'm running low, but I think I still have some tea leaves left," he offered. Iruka was still drunk that it didn't cross his mind about the implications of inviting someone up to his home after a night at the bar. 

Kakashi looked closely at him like he was wondering if Iruka really understood what he was offering. After a few seconds, he responded, his tone cautious but still light.

"As tempting as that offer is, I think this is where I say good night. You're still drunk, and I don't want us to do anything that you'll regret when you wake up. So, good night, Iruka-sensei. I hope you sleep well."

It took him a few seconds but Iruka, finally grasping what Kakashi was implying, turned red again, this time the blush reaching his ears. He quickly stammered a good night and turned around to his apartment, needing to get away before he embarrassed himself any further.

He walked two steps before Kakashi grabbed his wrist and twirled him around. Since the alcohol was still affecting his balance, Iruka tripped, his hand using Kakashi's chest to catch his fall. When he tried to take a step back, Kakashi, who had let go of Iruka's wrist mid-trip, wrapped his arm around Iruka's waist again holding him in place. 

Iruka had to lift his face to see Kakashi, who was taller than him by a few inches. He still had his hand on Kakashi's chest, and he could feel Kakashi's steady heartbeat. His own, on the other hand, felt like it had just finished running twenty miles.

Kakashi's eye was ablaze, his expression completely different from a few seconds ago when he wished Iruka a good night. The level of intensity was similar to what Iruka felt from him in his apartment, but that time it was more of a frustration. This time, Kakashi was looking at Iruka with a hunger. A need. 

"Iruka, you really need to learn how to manage your blushing a little better," he said quietly.

His other hand started making its way up to lightly trace Iruka's scar across his face, which was still red, making Iruka shiver.

"It gets very distracting for me, you know. I almost lost my self-control just now and was about to toss you over my back to take you to my home and see how you look blushing everywhere," he continued, his hand now playing with the small strands of hair that had fallen from Iruka's ponytail.

After the initial shock passed, Iruka was mystified. Kakashi said that so easily like it was a line from his favorite series. Iruka asked him if it was.

Kakashi blinked once, stunned. Then he burst out laughing, and Iruka could feel Kakashi's body shaking from the laughter. 

"Maa, Iruka-sensei, you're the only person who could almost make me consider not reading Icha Icha so often anymore. It'll be a shame if during these moments you'll always question whether they're my words or Jiraiya-sama's." 

Kakashi let Iruka go, still chortling. 

Iruka stood there dazed, and Kakashi stepped back. Right before he body flickered away, he said, "Just so you know, that one was all me." 

He waved his hand once goodbye, giving Iruka his classic smile, and poof — he disappeared, leaving a small pile of leaves in his place. 

Iruka stared at the empty spot where Kakashi was standing a second ago. He was blushing furiously, Kakashi's words replaying over in his mind. 

He closed his eyes and groaned. He's going to be in so much trouble. 

\--

Kakashi poofed back into his own apartment. He was chuckling to himself, relishing in the blush he managed to get from Iruka one last time before he left. Kakashi gave a satisfied sigh, taking his right hand out of his pocket. He looked down and grinned. He was holding Iruka's hitae-ate. 

It's going to be an interesting morning tomorrow, he thought to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi can't help but tease Iruka, and Iruka can't help but fall for it. Iruka was finally a bit more honest about his feelings (with the help of alcohol, of course), which Kakashi readily accepted. Now we'll have to see what Kakashi has planned for poor Iruka the next morning!


	5. The Training Ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Saturday morning, and Iruka and Kakashi "coincidentally" meet at a training ground.

Iruka peeled his eyes open. They were so dry he could barely keep them open for two seconds before needing to close them again. He put his arm over his face and let out a tired groan.

He had a splitting headache. Hungover was an understatement for what Iruka was experiencing. He forced himself to get up and drink some water. But when he stood up, the room spun, making him feel queasy. He felt his stomach gurgle. 

He sprinted into the bathroom, making it just in time to the toilet to throw up everything from last night and then some. He groaned again, this time weak and in pain. 

It didn't make his headache any better, but he knew his stomach would be OK now that it was empty. He flushed the toilet and shakily stood up to make his way to the sink. He brushed his teeth and gargled his mouth twice. He also splashed some water on his face, and, after he was done, he felt more refreshed. 

He grabbed a bottle of water from the kitchen and downed the whole thing. He grabbed a second one, this time taking small sips of it as he boiled some water in the kettle for tea. He grabbed the jar of tea leaves, which was almost empty. 

'Ugh, that's right,' he thought. 'I'm almost out. I need to get some more today.' 

He put the tea jar down and stretched, yawning loudly. His body was still feeling tight too. He remembered the promise he made to himself yesterday about going out to train this morning to stretch his muscles. Even though he made that promise pre-drinks, he knew he would feel better if he sweated this hangover out. He decided to power through and go out to train for a few hours before hitting the grocery store on the way home in time for lunch. 

\--

He woke up early enough that the sun was just starting to rise by the time he went out, the sky shades of soft but vibrant pink and yellow and orange, signaling the new morning. By the looks of it, it was going to be a beautiful day. 

Iruka was enjoying the morning walk. There was no one out yet, the streets quiet with only the sound of birds waking in the trees. He passed the town center that was crowded and buzzing with people last night now silent and peaceful. He walked past the Academy and into the woods nearby.

There was a small training ground hidden in the forest by the Academy. Other people weren't aware of it, and Iruka only happened to find it years ago while he was searching for some students who decided to ditch class that day. It was a modest training ground, a circular clearing surrounded by dense trees. There was one wooden post that someone had left there for target practice. 

But it was Iruka's favorite place to train. He liked that it was secluded enough to practice his jutsu without worrying about passerby. There was material for him to practice his traps, and he could use the trees for cardio and strength training. 

He arrived and walked to the center of the clearing. Although the walk there did help his headache, he wanted to spend a few minutes meditating before starting his work out. He sat with his legs crossed and closed his eyes, taking in three deep breaths. As he allowed himself to feel the air entering his lungs, the image of Kakashi trailing his hand over his scar suddenly flashed through his head.

His eyes shot open. Memories of the previous night were starting to flood his mind. He was so hungover he had completely forgotten, until now. 

Images came rushing in as if he was playing the night in rewind. Kakashi apologizing, Iruka telling him he missed him, Kakashi catching his fall, Iruka drunkenly walking out of the bar, their eyes meeting inside. 

Even though he was supposed to be clearing his head, he couldn't help but have his thoughts roam toward Kakashi. He was trying to make sense of what happened last night. Did they finally acknowledge their attraction to each other? Are things going to be different now? Or did they just allow the alcohol to talk for them? 

He shook his head. This wasn't the time to ponder all this. He wanted to finish training before the sun got too warm. He got up, rolled his shoulders back, and made his way to the post.

\---

Two hours later he was breathing heavily, sweat dripping down his face. It felt good to have used his muscles again. Even his headache was almost gone.

Iruka wanted to stop the sweat from falling on his eyes, so he reached down to his pockets for his hitae-ate. His hands came up empty. 

He felt a small panic rise. He knew he put his hitae-ate in his pocket last night walking from the bar. Did it fall somewhere without him noticing? Shinobi should never lose their hitae-ate if they can help it. It's even worse that Iruka is an Academy teacher, since he teaches his students the symbolic importance of their hitae-ate, how it shows the world the village they represent. He knew he would be endlessly teased for losing his. 

He groaned miserably, feeling the headache starting to come back. But as he pressed his hands to his temples he heard in the distance, "Looking for this?"

He looked up to where the voice came from. Kakashi was standing on a thin tree branch, casually twirling Iruka's blue hitae-ate on his index finger. He was smiling. 

"How...when...why do you have my hitae-ate?" Iruka asked, confused. 

Kakashi hopped down from the tree, his feet silent. He sauntered over to Iruka, hitae-ate in hand.

"You dropped it yesterday when you tripped on that rock," he replied. "I picked it up since I figured you might miss it, like you missed me."

He was teasing Iruka, and Iruka was not amused. 

He frowned and looked at Kakashi suspiciously.

"And how did you know I was here? I didn't see you on my walk and this is a secluded training ground."

"Ma, Iruka-sensei, this is my training ground," Kakashi replied, looking at Iruka innocently. "I created this clearing when I was young and I still use it from time to time. I merely came to do my morning training when I saw that you were already practicing here. Lucky I still had your hitae-ate in my pocket." 

Iruka didn't have to know that Kakashi had seen Iruka leave his home and decided to follow and, to his surprise, saw Iruka head to the training ground Kakashi had made right after he became a Chunin to create his now world-famous lightning jutsu. 

"Oh, I had no idea this was yours. I found it years ago and thought I was the only one that used it since I never saw anyone else here."

"Well, I don't come here too often anymore. I've been using more of the main training grounds since Team 7, so I'm glad someone is getting good use out of it."

Kakashi handed him his hitae-ate. Iruka mumbled his thanks and slipped it over his head, letting it rest on his forehead. 

He stared awkwardly over at Kakashi. He had planned on training for another hour, but it wasn't like he could tell Kakashi to leave or wait. 

He scratched the end of his scar and asked, "Do you want to spar together, Kakashi-san? I wanted to stay for another hour, but if you want to train on your own I can leave." 

"No, I'd be happy to train together," Kakashi said. 

"Are you sure? I'm not nearly on your level; I don't think I'd do you much good."

"On the contrary, Iruka-sensei, I think you'd do me very good," Kakashi replied, eyes twinkling.

Iruka could hear the innuendo from a mile away. He let Kakashi see him roll his eyes but he turned before he could see the small blush forming. 

He walked a few yards away from Kakashi before turning back around. His expression changed into one of focus. Kakashi did the same. They shifted their stance, Kakashi taking his hands out of his pockets. After a moment of silence, they nodded to each other in unison and took off. 

\--

By the time they finished the sun was high up in the sky, warming them through the trees. Iruka was out of breath, panting and clutching his thighs. His hitae-ate Kakashi handed him was drenched. Kakashi was also breathing heavily, though not nearly as bad as Iruka. 

Iruka gave Kakashi a run for his money during their sparring session. At first he was on defense, only dodging Iruka's attacks, testing his taijutsu skills. But after he received a solid kick to the stomach, Kakashi became more serious, which pleased Iruka. He knew he could never actually beat Kakashi, but he at least wanted him to take him seriously.

Now Iruka was sore in multiple places from Kakashi's well-placed punches and kicks. He winced as he rubbed his hip bone where Kakashi got him with a specially hard kick. He could tell by tomorrow there'd be a wonderfully shiny purple bruise in that area. But he considered it a good training day since he even learned some new taijutsu moves that he was already looking forward to sharing with his students.

"Are you hurt?" Kakashi asked, looking concerned when he noticed Iruka's wince.

Iruka shook his head and laughed.

"Obviously I'm hurt! I know you hit me there on purpose because I hit your stomach first." Iruka scowled jokingly, acting like he was upset.

Kakashi laughed too, bowing his head in mock repentance.

"You're right, Iruka-sensei, it was petty of me. How can I get you to forgive me?" 

"Hmm, I'm going to hold onto that one," Iruka said. "I want to use that leverage for something really good later."

Kakashi chuckled and reached his hand out, his index and middle finger outstretched. It was the Seal of Reconciliation, where two shinobi lock their fingers together after sparring. 

Iruka looked surprised for a moment before smiling and putting his hand out too. Their fingers intertwined and their eyes met.

"I look forward to that day," Kakashi said warmly, his fingers tightening on Iruka's briefly before they let go.

Iruka looked down at his watch then. It was 10 AM, and the markets should be open now.

As Iruka gathered his things, Kakashi, who had his hands back in his pockets, asked, "So, what are your plans for the rest of the day, Iruka-sensei?"

"I'm going to the market right now to pick up some groceries," Iruka replied. "Then I'll probably make some lunch and start that lesson planning."

"I see," Kakashi said. He turned around and started walking out of the forest. 

Iruka followed after him. 

"What about you, Kakashi-san?" he asked. "Do you have plans for the rest of the day?"

"Why, of course I do, Iruka-sensei," he responded merrily, smiling at Iruka with his eyes. "I'm going to the market and picking up groceries with you and then going to your apartment to eat the lunch we make and read on your couch while you lesson plan."

Iruka was flabbergasted.

"Eeeeh?!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a shorter chapter, but a necessary one for Kakashi and Iruka's development. They're about to have a good time at Iruka's apartment, but they don't know that yet ;)


	6. The Lunch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They stop by the market before heading to Iruka's apartment, where one lunch turns into an event neither of them will soon forget.

The town center was active again, this time with market vendors standing out by their produce calling customers into their individual stalls. 

"Fresh saury! So fresh they were swimming an hour ago!" 

"New shipment of tea leaves! Get your tea leaves here! They include hints of goji berry!" 

Iruka walked towards that stall. 

"Try a sample," the vendor said.

Iruka took a sip from the small plastic cup the vendor held out. He closed his eyes in satisfaction. It was his first time trying goji berry-infused black tea, and it was delicious. 

"They're even better if you have ginger."

Iruka asked for two jars. One of the goji berry tea and the other regular green tea. 

Iruka reached for his wallet, but Kakashi already held his cash out.

Iruka tried to swat it away. 

"No, why would you — you don't have to pay for my groceries!" 

"Consider it part of my repentance for kicking you earlier."

"No! I want to use that for something else!"

Iruka tried to stop Kakashi with no avail. He easily avoided Iruka's arm and handed his money to the vendor. 

He looked at Iruka then. 

"Iruka-sensei, don't think of this as me paying for your groceries. Think of it as me paying my share since I'm going to be enjoying them often too.

He walked out of the stall holding the bag containing the tea jars. Iruka blinked a few times, thinking about what Kakashi just said.

Enjoying it often too? Does that mean he's planning on coming over often?

His heart fluttered at the thought. He turned and followed Kakashi, who was already at the stall with the old woman with the fresh saury. 

Kakashi asked for four.

The little old woman with her wispy white hair tied in a bun handed Kakashi the bag of saury resting on ice and a small plate of sashimi on the house. As Kakashi thanked her and handed her the money, she looked between Iruka and Kakashi with a warm smile on her face. 

"Is this your boyfriend?" she asked Kakashi. "You two look good together." 

Iruka's face turned tomato red. He shook his head quickly and wildly waved both his hands in front of him.

"No, I'm not!" He laughed nervously. 

Kakashi quietly raised an eyebrow at Iruka's reaction.

"That's a shame," she tutted. "I'm good at sensing strong relationships, and you guys have it. Maybe you don't know it yet, but you will."

She handed Kakashi his cash back, bowed, and asked them to come again.

Iruka and Kakashi quietly walked out of the fish stall, Iruka feeling so embarrassed. It didn't help that Kotetsu and Izumo had passed by right at the moment Iruka and Kakashi stepped out, and they didn't think to hide their shock at all. 

Iruka turned away from his friends, wanting to melt into a puddle. He could see from his peripheral that a giant sly smile was creeping on Kotetsu's face, and he opened his mouth to call out to Iruka when Izumo grabbed his elbow and pulled him away. Iruka couldn't help but sigh in relief, silently thanking Izumo for being the considerate one, although he knew they would both demand details the next time they see Iruka. 

Kakashi heard him sigh. 

"Something wrong?" 

Iruka nervously smiled. 

"Oh, no, no, nothing's wrong!"

He quickly walked towards the vegetable stand, the opposite way from his friends.

\--

They placed the bags of groceries down on Iruka's kitchen counter. 

Besides the tea and fish, they also bought some strawberries, eggplants, onions, and ginger. Kakashi also insisted on stopping by the bookstore, where he bought a new copy of Icha Icha Paradise because the new one included some never before released bonus chapters. 

Iruka took off his hitae-ate and tossed it in his hamper. He took off his flak vest and rolled up his long navy blue uniform sleeves before heading back to the kitchen. 

Kakashi's vest was hanging on a chair, his sleeves also rolled up. His pale forearms were lean and toned. Iruka couldn't help but notice how they flexed as Kakashi picked up the heavy bag of rice, his veins prominent through his skin. 

"Iruka-sensei, are you good at cooking?" Kakashi asked. 

Iruka scratched his head and bashfully chuckled twice.

"Uhm, not really. I rarely cook for myself."

"Well, I'm fairly competent at a few dishes, so I can whip us up something," Kakashi said, smiling at Iruka. "You can be my sous chef."

They each washed their hands at the sink and turned to the ingredients they bought. 

"What do you think about saury meuniere?" 

"You know how to make that?" Iruka asked, surprised. 

"Of course, I learned when I was five." 

"Five?! You were so young! What five-year-old learns how to make meuniere?" 

Kakashi shrugged, opening the bag of saury. 

While Kakashi was dicing and sauteing, Iruka put away all the groceries. He set the table and made the rice. When he was done, he stood next to Kakashi, who was holding the pan and spooning a soy sauce glaze on top of the sizzling saury along with thinly julienned ginger and onions. Miso soup with eggplant was simmering on the burner beside it, while two eggs rested on the counter for them to crack on top of the steaming rice later. 

"Wow, Kakashi-san, this looks amazing! And it smells so good," Iruka said, closing his eyes and inhaling all the delicious aromas wafting around him.

Kakashi hummed in response.

"You think so?"

\--

Thirty minutes later, Iruka sat back on his chair, sighing happily.

"That was amazing," he said, rubbing his stomach. "I think that was the best saury I ever had."

"Ma, Iruka-sensei, you spoil me," Kakashi said humbly. 

"No, I'm serious," Iruka replied. "Who knew the great Hatake Kakashi knew how to cook too? Is there anything you can't do?"

Kakashi looked away then, his chin lightly resting on his palm with his elbow on the dining table. He stared at Iruka's bookshelf behind him.

"Well, I've had a lot of practice." 

Iruka could see that the statement meant something deeper than it sounded, so he changed the topic and started gathering the empty dishes in front of them.

"Do you want some strawberries for dessert?" he asked Kakashi.

Kakashi's expression changed back again to seem more lighthearted.

"Mmm, yes, that sounds good."

He got up and helped Iruka carry the dishes back to the sink. Iruka washed while Kakashi stood to his left to dry them and place them on the dish rack. 

"What are you planning on teaching your students about the Third War?" Kakashi suddenly asked. 

Iruka turned his head to look at Kakashi. 

"Oh, you remembered? Well, I usually go through the normal curriculum and approved textbooks from the Academy, but I always felt like they were missing something. They focus too much on Konoha's victory and not enough on the sacrifices the countless shinobi made for their village and their country. I was too young to really know, so I'm going to study a bunch of texts to see if I can find something."

He handed Kakashi another wet plate, which he took without a word. He looked deep in thought.

Iruka, noticing Kakashi's silence, asked, "Is everything OK?"

Kakashi slowly placed the now-dry plate on the dish rack. 

"The reason why I started cooking so early in my life is that I had to," Kakashi began. "My father killed himself when I was four, and I never knew my mother because she died before I could remember. I had to take care of myself ever since."

He nodded at Iruka to continue handing him the washed dishes while he talked.

"I learned how to fish on my own, and I learned how to cook from different recipe books lying around the house. I could actually relate to Naruto pretty well in that regard. He doesn't know, but I was part of the Sandaime's Anbu guard one night when he found Naruto in the woods grilling some fish he managed to catch and some mushrooms he found, presumably because he ran out of money for food and was hungry. Although I don't think Naruto was learning how to master different cooking techniques like I was."

They both smiled at that, and Iruka handed him the last bowl and shut off the water. Iruka took the strawberries out from the fridge and placed them in a large colander. 

"You know, Kakashi-san, in a lot of ways you can understand Naruto better than I can. I had my parents until I was older, so I still knew what it felt like to have both parents' love. But you and Naruto basically grew up on your own. It must have been really hard for you back then."

Kakashi looked down at the bowl in his hand. 

"Well, it was certainly an experience I could have done without."

Iruka glanced at Kakashi's grim expression. It was a mood shift from earlier this morning that he didn't expect, but he could tell this was something Kakashi rarely talked about with anyone, if ever. He stayed quiet to allow Kakashi to speak whenever he felt comfortable. Iruka was always naturally a good listener. People trusted him and felt like he was easy to open up to. It was a good skill to have as a teacher.

He turned on the water and began washing the strawberries. Kakashi placed the clean bowl on the dish rack. His right hand still held the red towel he used to dry the dishes.

"You're right, you know. People really don't know the impact the Third War had. The younger generation, at least. The number of deaths, the tension between villages, seeing your comrades die one by one."

Kakashi's voice tapered at the end, his knuckles turning white as he clenched the towel. Iruka turned off the sink and shook the colander to get the excess water out. He placed it back down and grabbed a strawberry and turned to Kakashi. 

Iruka had a sympathetic expression as he handed him the strawberry.

"Sometimes, I would hear rumors around the village about people calling you 'friend-killer.' I more or less know your story, Kakashi-san. I know you lost your teammates to the war, and Naruto told me he's seen you stare at the Memorial Stone for hours when he tried to follow you so he can see you without your mask. But I know you're not a friend-killer, you —"

"I didn't lose my teammates to the war, I lost my teammates because of me," Kakashi roughly interrupted, holding his strawberry miserably to his side. "My actions. My inactions. My fault. I might as well be a friend-killer."

Kakashi shook his head, closing his eyes.

"I told you before that I've done things I'll regret the rest of my life because I was an idiot who didn't know how to appreciate my friends. Well, they paid for my mistake and now I get to be here eating strawberries while they're dead in the ground. So no, you don't know I'm not a friend-killer. You don't know me, you don't know anything about what I've done, who I am, why I —"

Kakashi stopped as Iruka reached down and grabbed Kakashi's hand that was still clenching the towel. He had nail marks on his palm from gripping so tight. He quietly unclenched Kakashi's hand and placed the towel on the counter. Then he held Kakashi's hand in his.

"I do know you," Iruka said softly, gently running his thumb over Kakashi's tense knuckles, trying to relax them. Usually, Iruka would have trouble being so forward with his physical affection unless they developed a relationship, but it naturally comes out of him at times, especially when it's to help someone in distress. It was an immediate, unconscious reaction for Iruka to reach out to Kakashi. 

"I know that you failed every student who still needed to learn how to value their comrades over the rules. I know how much you worried about your team's bond, wanting them to trust each other, especially Sasuke. I know you saved me on our mission together. These aren't things a 'friend-killer' would do. People make wrong choices, Kakashi-san. Sometimes big ones. I'm sure seeing your father pass that way left a heavy mark on your heart, and it wasn't your fault if you changed because of it. It wasn't your fault that your friends died. It only becomes your fault if you don't change and learn from your mistakes."

His eyes never let go of Kakashi's. 

"And I know you changed. You're not the same person you were during the Third War. You live your life with the purpose of protecting your comrades and your village. So no, I do know you're not a friend-killer. And you deserve to be here, in my kitchen, eating strawberries with me."

Iruka smiled kindly at Kakashi then and patted the top of his hand twice before letting go. He turned back to the sink and grabbed a strawberry for himself. He selected one that looked extra plump and took a bite. 

"Mmmm," he said, closing his eyes. 

It was delicious. The strawberry was crisp but juicy. The mixture of sweetness and freshness coated Iruka's tongue. 

Iruka turned to tell Kakashi to try his when he felt his back against the sink and Kakashi's mouth over his. Kakashi's mask was pulled down to his chin, and his gloved hands held the sides of Iruka's face, tilting his head up so Kakashi could get better access to his mouth. 

His strawberry was on the floor, while Iruka still had his in his hand, his body frozen. 

Iruka's eyes were wide open in shock, and he stared at Kakashi who was kissing him in a way he had never been kissed before. It was urgent and needy but filled with overwhelming emotion. As if Kakashi was pouring himself into Iruka through the kiss. His heart was pounding out of his chest, going haywire at the feeling of Kakashi's tongue swiping over his own.

Kakashi could taste the strawberry on Iruka's tongue, both tart and sweet. It reminded him of the chunin, who could drive Kakashi crazy with both the bite of his tongue and his soft caresses. The strawberry's color was like Iruka's blushes that he loves when he was the one causing them. The fragrant scent of the strawberries behind Iruka invaded his nose, making Kakashi want more. He demanded more. He wrapped one arm around Iruka's waist pulling him close while the other rested on the nape of his neck. Iruka trembled at the touch; it had been so long since he had felt this way, and the previous experience was nowhere near what he was feeling now. 

Kakashi broke the kiss first. They were both breathing heavily, trying to catch their breath. He placed his hands on the sink, on either side of Iruka, and bent his head down to try and calm himself. The ends of Kakashi's hair tickled Iruka's face, and as the Copy-Nin’s hot breath hit his collarbone Iruka shuddered, dropping his strawberry then too, leaving a red stain on his tile floor as it fell. Now he was the one who wanted more. This time, he grabbed Kakashi's face and kissed him. 

Iruka didn't know or particularly care why this was happening at the moment; all he knew was that he wanted it to happen. He would think about the repercussions another day. Right now, Kakashi was kissing him in the middle of his kitchen, something Iruka had thought about more often than he'd like to admit, and it was better than he had ever imagined. 

He ran his hands through the back of Kakashi's spiky, silvery hair. He felt the hitae-ate knot and wished he could toss it aside so he could feel every strand of the silver-haired man’s surprisingly soft, thick mane. 

Kakashi was wrapping himself around Iruka as if he wanted to mold into him. He pressed his upper right thigh against the inside of Iruka's legs. It was the thigh that was bandaged and held Kakashi's kunai holster. Iruka could feel it nudging his legs open, allowing him to move in closer and close the space between them. It turned him on, feeling Kakashi's leg rub against him through his pants. 

Kakashi felt something start to harden on his thigh. He moaned roughly as Iruka broke the kiss to nibble at Kakashi's bottom lip. Needing to feel him even closer, he hoisted him up and Iruka wrapped his legs around Kakashi, his hands tangled in his hair. Without their vests on, Iruka could feel every muscle through Kakashi's shirt, the lean but strong shoulders that lifted him without breaking a sweat. 

While Kakashi moved them from the kitchen to the couch, Iruka's nibbling moved from Kakashi's lips to his earlobe. The jonin shuddered at the slow lick and the small bite he received, Iruka’s breath tickling his usually covered neck, making it even more sensitive to the raw touch. He hardened his grip on the back of Iruka's thighs, willing himself to continue to the couch. His willpower began rapidly dwindling, however, once he felt a wet, slick tongue dance into his ear. It took everything for him to not fling Iruka onto the floor and take him right then and there. 

He placed Iruka, who still had his arms wrapped around Kakashi's neck, on the center of the couch. But all attempts at gentleness was flung out the window when Iruka pulled Kakashi down to him, connecting their lips once more. 

Without breaking the kiss, Iruka started wiggling around, maneuvering himself so Kakashi was on the couch while he straddled him. Iruka could feel Kakashi's growing hardness against his own as he slowly started moving his hips to grind against the man’s cock tight against the front of his pants. 

Kakashi reached out to grab Iruka's ass, and they both simultaneously moaned into each other's mouths as he guided Iruka's movements to precisely hit the centers of their manhood. 

It was the best and worst kind of tease. Their friction rubbing together against the fabric of their pants felt so good, but it only made them want more.

Iruka wanted to feel Kakashi's naked cock against his own, in his hand, in his mouth, in himself. He was practically whimpering now, unable to control his speed or his desire. He was grinding harder and faster on Kakashi's lap, feeling the precum wet his briefs. 

A distant, far away part of his brain was thinking about how unbelievable it was that he was doing this with Kakashi right now, but his mind was clouded with the sole focus of releasing the years of tension building inside of him. But right before he felt himself get to the climax, Kakashi grabbed his hips and pushed Iruka off him and down to the couch. 

"Iruka."

Iruka's eyes looked wildly at him for a second, desperate with want. Kakashi was lying on top of him, his forearms resting on either side of Iruka's face as he stared down at him, his expression burning.

"Iruka, I have to go."

That shook Iruka back to reality.

"Wh-what?" 

"I have to go," he repeated. "My Anbu mark just burned. I'm being called to the Hokage's office immediately."

He got up off of Iruka, and with quick, precise movements put on his flak vest and checked every compartment. He walked over to the front door and put on his shoes. 

He was about to open the door, his hand on the doorknob when he turned back to Iruka, who was sitting up now on the couch with his cheeks still flushed staring at Kakashi with his eyes wide.

Kakashi looked at Iruka, his expression both pained and heated. Pained that he had to leave now when all he wanted to do was bury himself in the warm, blushing man, not go to the Hokage’s office. Heated as he could still feel Iruka's sweet, soft lips running down the side of his neck.

He wasn't sure what to say next. All he could do was apologize. But before he could even open his mouth Iruka stopped him and said, "It's OK. Go. I'll be here." 

Kakashi felt relief and remorse all at once. 

He pulled his mask back on, covering his face again along with his lips that were aching to go back to Iruka. He nodded once before opening the door and jumping off the staircase three floors up. 

Iruka stayed seated after Kakashi left, his eyes staring straight out his open door. He was still hard, his lips still swollen. He sighed and looked down, his eyes resting on the stack of books lying on the floor where he left them right before he went out to the bar last night. 

'Well,' he thought, 'now how am I supposed to plan this lesson?'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi and Iruka have reached the point of no return. Neither denies the attraction between them, but their moment was abruptly cut off before they could process it. Was Kakashi going to be OK on his mission after just having had an emotional moment with Iruka about his past traumas? When he could still feel Iruka's touch on his skin? He may not be sure himself.


	7. The Couple

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Violence. Please read at your own discretion. 
> 
> A dangerous mission forces their day together to be cut short until Kakashi comes back. Although initially relieved, Iruka quickly realizes that the danger has come to him.

Iruka did, eventually. 

First, he took a shower to cool himself down and rinse off the sweat from this morning's training. 

Then he put away the strawberries in a large plastic container, closing the lid tightly before placing them back in the fridge.

He grabbed his books and the red folder and put them on the dining table, along with his grade book and pens. 

He made himself a cup of goji berry tea and sat down. 

He stared mindlessly, holding the steaming cup in his hands. 

In his head, all he was picturing was him dry humping Kakashi just half an hour ago. 

He put the cup down and smacked his forehead on the edge of the table, groaning in embarrassment. 

He had lost all control of himself; if Kakashi hadn't stopped him when he did he would have made himself cum in his pants like a teenage adolescent.

But wait.

Iruka lifted his head. 

What did he have to feel embarrassed about? Kakashi kissed him first. Sure, Iruka may have bitten Kakashi's lips and his ears and straddled him to rub their cocks together, but Kakashi made the first move. 

So he's off the hook...right?

He decided to play ignorant and grabbed the folder and turned the pages of his grade book to this week. He opened the cap on his red pen and looked down at the first essay.

Iruka sighed, taking a large sip of tea before settling into the scribbled writing before him. 

\--

By the time he finished with his work the day was gone. His textbooks were scattered all over the table, some open on different chapters with notes written on the side of the pages. An empty cup of instant ramen and cheap wooden chopsticks hung off the edge. In front of him was his lesson plan, nearly complete. Tomorrow he would edit it down and see if he wanted to make any changes before finalizing everything.

He checked his watch, which told him it was ten past midnight. 

He got up from the table and stretched his sore body. He didn't really notice at first, but as time went on the places he got hit by Kakashi during their sparring session did feel a bit tender, especially on his bruised hip bone. Kakashi really went for a solid kick there. Iruka knew he needed to start training more regularly again otherwise he would lose his body's pain tolerance, which is never a good thing for shinobi. 

He walked over to his living room window and raised it open, pushing the thin, off-white curtains to the side. He was feeling stuffy after hours of sitting at the dining table hunched over his books. 

The sky wasn't clear like it was the previous night. He couldn't see any stars, only a hazy moon hidden behind dark clouds. The streets were quiet, but he could see fluorescent lights shining through the windows in different homes throughout multiple buildings of various heights, along with the Hokage Monument in the far background. 

The view soothed him. It was part of the reason why he never changed apartments, even though it would have been much more convenient for him to move closer to Naruto when he was a child. He loved how he could see the Hokage Monument from his place, the stone faces watching over its citizens warm in their homes. 

The Sandaime watching over him.

He spent a lot of time looking out this window.

He looked out the window now, wondering what Kakashi was doing. If he was OK. 

Iruka thought Kakashi was done with Anbu, but he supposed that he could never truly be done, not when the village still needed his abilities and experience. 

After a few minutes, Iruka walked to his bedroom to change out of his day clothes and into his pajamas, a thin, baby blue long-sleeve button front and matching loose pants with an elastic waistband. His uniform from the morning was in the hamper already, waiting to be cleaned tomorrow.

He reached up to let his hair down when he all of a sudden felt a presence in his home. He immediately walked out of his room to the sight of an Anbu standing in his living room by the window he left open. 

The first thing that caught his eye was the mass of silver hair. Then the red and black markings on the porcelain mask resembling a dog's face. He continued down, seeing pale, chiseled arms that made the signature red spiral tattoo on the left deltoid stand out prominently. 

That's when he noticed the blood. 

The blood all down the front of the Anbu's grey flak jacket. The blood splatters on the bottom of the mask, some on the Anbu's arms. The rest of the uniform was dark so he couldn't tell, but he was sure there was blood on that too. 

"Ka-Kakashi...san?" 

The Anbu standing in front of him didn't respond, only turning to close the window, completely silent. The curtains were pulled together again, shutting off the outside view. 

Then the Anbu slowly took off the mask, tossing it on the floor, revealing Kakashi underneath. He didn't have his hitae-ate on, so both of his eyes were open, the Sharingan slowly rotating as it met Iruka. 

Once it was confirmed that the Anbu was indeed Kakashi, Iruka's fear was foolishly alleviated and he brazenly took a step forward.

"Stop." 

Kakashi held a gloved hand out, which, unlike his fingerless gloves, had full-length metal guards, reaching all the way up to his arms. His tone was harsh, nothing like he had ever heard from Kakashi. 

Iruka froze.

After a beat, Kakashi slowly turned away from Iruka towards the kitchen. He took off his Anbu gear one by one, leaving a trail of bloody garments in his path as he made his way to the sink. First the ninjato, then the flak jacket, the armor, and finally the gloves. 

He turned on the sink and ran his hands underneath the streaming water, washing the blood off the top of his arms where the gloves didn't reach. 

It seemed like most of the blood on his uniform wasn't his, which Iruka was grateful for. But then Kakashi winced slightly, his mouth pulling into a grimace as he touched his left shoulder, a large bloody gash across it. The blood was dried, but Iruka could tell even from his distance that the wound was fairly deep. 

"Kakashi-san! Your shoulder!" Iruka cried out, his voice distressed. 

He started running toward Kakashi.

Iruka's need to check on Kakashi overpowered his ability to think logically, naively forgetting that he was dealing with a shinobi, let alone an Anbu, who just finished what could only have been a gruesome mission. 

He didn't make it two feet before he was slammed against the wall next to the door to his bedroom. The bookcase beside him shook from the impact. Kakashi had his wet hand around Iruka's throat. 

"I told you to stay still," Kakashi said, his voice so quiet Iruka wouldn't have been able to hear if Kakashi wasn't standing two inches from his face. 

Killing intent filled the room while Iruka was staring into the eyes of a man he didn't recognize. The Kakashi who bought groceries at the market with him this morning was gone, replaced by someone who looked like they were driven slightly mad, staring at Iruka with emotionless rage. 

He tightened his hand on Iruka's throat, blocking his airway.

Iruka, now fighting for breath, raised his trembling hands and grabbed Kakashi's wrist, trying to get him to loosen his grip. 

"L-let me...h-help...you," he choked out, clawing at Kakashi's hand. 

Kakashi didn't budge. He hardly registered Iruka in front of him trying to free himself. He didn't even notice that his abrupt movement caused his wound to reopen, fresh blood trailing down his tattoo. 

Iruka, being Iruka, was still concerned for Kakashi, even though he was starting to see white spots from the lack of air. He stopped struggling, and, removing one hand from Kakashi's wrist, shakily held it up to his wound. He started administering healing chakra, one that was fairly rudimentary but could get the job done. All Academy teachers get basic first aid training before starting their job, and Iruka was glad for the experience now. All those years of practicing staying calm while trying to heal high strung kids who got injured at school helped him steady his hand trying to heal a man who could easily snap his neck like a twig.

But his hand was forcibly jerked away before he could completely close the wound, Kakashi grabbing his wrist and hurling him into his bedroom. 

Iruka stumbled back as Kakashi bore down on him. 

He grabbed the front of Iruka's shirt and flung him onto the bed, easily tossing him as if Iruka was a rag doll. 

Iruka's adrenaline was on high now, his blood pumping through his head. 

It wasn't his first experience with unbalanced shinobi. 

Iruka's soft-heartedness has led him to more than one occasion where people have tried to take advantage of him, assuming he wouldn't fight back. They were wrong, of course. Those who tried to corner Iruka after a bad mission or after a few drinks found that out the hard way. Iruka was kind, but he wasn't a pushover. He wasn't going to let just anyone have their way with him.

But Kakashi wasn't just anyone. 

He wasn't someone Iruka could give a swift kick in the balls to or trap in a barrier justu. He was a jonin, a jonin who just came back from an Anbu mission and was not in his right state of mind.

Iruka still couldn't help but try and get up, a subconscious reaction caused by a mix of panic and stubbornness. 

He managed to get up halfway off the bed before Kakashi straddled him, pinning his arms above his head. 

"If you know what's good for you, you'll stay still."

Kakashi's normally dark grey eye was pitch black, causing the Sharingan to look even more blood-red in comparison. 

He was looking at Iruka with a twisted expression. 

Kakashi knew he wasn't thinking straight, but he was having trouble getting back in control of himself, only seeing threats all around him. 

\--

The mission that day had gone horribly wrong.

After he left Iruka's place, he arrived at the Hokage's office where the Fifth Hokage handed him a mission scroll with a serious expression, her usual glower gone. He didn't need to open the scroll to know that he was in for a difficult mission.

But he opened it anyway, keeping his own expression neutral. 

The mission wasn't far, still located in Fire Country. He was assigned as captain to a three-man cell made up of Anbu members. They were to go and track down a missing-nin who had defected from Konoha a week ago. Initially, the Hokage intended to have him brought back alive, wanting to give him to T&I for information. But after four Anbu members were killed trying to capture him, she changed her orders for him to be killed on sight, a responsibility she just gave to Kakashi. 

"I received intel that the missing-nin was seen near the border. I'm assigning you two Anbu members to go with you for this mission. I know you're not in Anbu anymore, but I can't risk losing any more of my men. You're the only person I can trust with this mission. You'll need to leave immediately before he can cross the border into Otogakure."

"Otogakure?" 

Kakashi looked up from the scroll. 

"Yes," she replied, her mouth pressed tightly. "We think he's working for Orochimaru. It's the only explanation as to why a chunin was able to take down four of our Anbu, two of whom were of tokubetsu jonin rank. His elemental chakra is earth, so your lightning jutsu will be useful for this mission as well as your tracking abilities. I wouldn't order this on you unless I had no other choice, Kakashi."

"What does Orochimaru want with a Konoha chunin? I thought he went into hiding once Sasuke left?" 

"This particular chunin has the unique ability to transform others into solid rock, and it's not just the surface of their body, leaving them frozen like an ice jutsu. He's able to change the molecular structure of their body into earth particles, so when he touches someone with his chakra he turns them into a rock, killing them instantly. It's a rare and fairly unknown kekkei genkai. It's not confirmed, but I have a hunch there's something in his DNA that Orochimaru wants." 

\--

Seven hours later, Kakashi was standing in the middle of a dark forest with his arm through the missing-nin's back and out his chest, his hand crackling with blue electricity. The two Anbu members who came with him were dead on the ground, their bodies crumbled into pieces. 

Whatever drug the missing-nin got from Orochimaru made him extremely fast, an ability he didn't have before as his earth kekkei genkai would physically weigh him down. There were only two reasons why Kakashi survived: his Sharingan allowing him to read the chunin's movements and the lightning that he used as a current to run all over his body preventing him from being touched. 

Tsunade was right, Kakashi really was the only person who could have finished this mission. The drug made the chunin so powerful that his earth chakra was nearly impregnable; the female Anbu who came with him also had lightning affinity, but when she tried to attack using her lightning jutsu through her katana, a single touch from the tip of the chunin's finger transformed her instantaneously, Kakashi seeing her rock head break apart from her body as it toppled onto the ground. 

It was trying to stop her that Kakashi got his injury — one of the missing-nin's sharp rock projectiles tore through his shoulder as he ran toward her, sensing that her jutsu was going to fail. 

Kakashi had to use his Chidori to cloak his real body like an electric shield while he used his lightning clones to distract the chunin, using the split second he was being electrocuted to come up behind him. The missing-nin's blood splattered everywhere as the life seeped out of his eyes, which still looked deranged even in death. 

He couldn't have been more than 15-years-old. Only a year or two older than Naruto. 

Kakashi ran the whole way back with his Sharingan on, his adrenaline and fury and guilt at losing the other two members heightening his paranoia. He couldn't stop picturing the female Anbu running after the missing-nin in anguish after they saw him stomp on the male Anbu's face, watching it crumble into a fine rock powder while the rest of the body remained intact. 

Kakashi didn't know those two before this mission, but during the time they traveled to their destination it became clear to him they were a couple. They never touched each other or even exchanged many words, but the looks they shared when they thought Kakashi wasn't looking said enough. 

He had a feeling she knew her jutsu wasn't going to work but she decided to attack anyway. 

Whether she desired vengeance or her own death he would never know. Maybe it was both.

He started violently shaking, the Sharingan forcing him to see sudden bursts of extremely vivid images.

Falling rocks all around him. 

Iruka smiling at him.

A giant boulder above him. 

Iruka's hand on his cheek. 

Obito crushed under the boulder. 

Iruka's eyes fervent, filled with life. 

Rin with a hole through her heart. 

Iruka throwing his head back to laugh. 

Her brown hair falling over her lifeless eyes.

Iruka's ponytail the same color as Rin's.

Kakashi stopped on a tree branch, holding the trunk for support, his chest heaving. 

Why was the Sharingan showing him his memories of Rin and Obito? Of Iruka? Was it because he talked to Iruka about them earlier today? 

It had been so long since Kakashi reacted like this from a mission. 

The last time was right after Rin's death when he was regularly seeing her everywhere, hearing her call his name, having nightmares about her. He was on a solo mission that the Fourth Hokage gave him to retrieve documents relating to the peace treaty when he encountered enemy shinobi. The second he formed his Chidori, the image of Rin reaching out with her bloody hand and saying his name echoed through his mind, causing him to have a panic attack. If Guy hadn't come and rescued him when he did, Kakashi would have died then. Instead, he joined Anbu soon after and he never let those images affect his missions again, channeling his trauma into cold rage.

Kakashi swiped his thumb over the blood on his arm and pressed down on the tree branch. 

"Kuchiyose no Jutsu."

A small poof, and there was Pakkun, looking up at him with lazy, drooping eyes similar to his summoning master. 

But right now Kakashi's eyes looked manic, and he was still shaking from the after-effects of the Sharingan.

"Yo, boss. What's going on?"

Pakkun kept his tone casual, but he was worried about Kakashi. He hadn't seen him in a state like this for over a decade. 

"Pakkun, I need you to go to Tsunade-sama and let her know that the missing-nin is dead and the mission is complete. Give her these coordinates so she can send people to clean up. Tell her the two Anbu who were with me were killed, and their bodies are still at the site. And tell her I'll report to her tomorrow morning."

He hands the map to Pakkun, who takes it in his mouth.

"Are you going to the hospital, Kakashi?" he asks.

"No."

He pictured Iruka's dark chocolate brown eyes staring deeply into his.

"I'm going to Iruka's."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Kakashi. His mental traumas really affect his ability to accept himself and accept Iruka. And of course, Iruka is too selfless for his own good. But the only reason why he wasn't more careful is that he trusts Kakashi. He trusts him to not hurt him. Let's see if that trust is warranted.


	8. The Hazy Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Non-con/rape content. Please read at your own discretion. 
> 
> Kakashi made the risky decision to go see Iruka in his unbalanced state. Will he be able to stop himself when the moment comes? Or will he succumb to the darkness in his soul?

It was ten past midnight. 

Kakashi stood on the rooftop across Iruka's building, his head throbbing madly from overusing his Sharingan. He watched Iruka open his window wide to the world.

He didn't notice Kakashi in the shadows, too busy searching for light.

Naive, he thought.

Iruka was too naive, assuming he was safe in the comfort of his home and his village to let his guard down and leave his window open.

Assuming he was safe from him. 

Kakashi felt like he was losing control of his life. 

Iruka was quickly threatening every part of it — his routine, his priorities, the oath he swore to himself to remain unattached. 

Iruka.

Iruka never hid in the shadows. He was like light itself. He walked with his heart on his sleeve, not buried in a book like him. It was one of the qualities that attracted Kakashi to him in the first place. 

It was his own fault. He was too weak, unable to stay away from his selfish need to see Iruka, to be around him. 

And then Iruka gave him a taste for what he could have, and now he's insatiable for it. 

He knew that he shouldn't go see Iruka right now. He knew that it was dangerous. 

But the mission made him feel unhinged, and he needed Iruka to make it better. 

To remind him what living was like.

To help him see some light too.

\--

Iruka was trying to stop his bottom lip from trembling. 

"What happened, Kakashi-san?" he asked quietly, making himself sound as non-threatening as possible.

Kakashi looked down at Iruka displayed before him. 

He didn't intend for it to get to this point. He thought he would be able to handle it, take some time cleaning himself off first before addressing Iruka. He thought that if he was just in Iruka's home, it would remind him of normalcy and help stabilize him. 

But when Iruka ran toward him with his hand outstretched, he transformed, just for a split second, into a bloody, demonic Rin, and Kakashi lost it. It didn't help that Iruka started healing his shoulder, making him remember the time Rin healed him in that very same spot after a mission. 

Seeing Iruka try and hide his fear from him made him furious. Because he knew Iruka wasn't doing it for his own ego or self-preservation. He was doing it for him. He didn't want him to feel bad.

Kakashi hated him for that. 

He hated that even in danger Iruka was still selfless. That even with his own trauma, Iruka never strayed away from friendship or love or connection. 

And he hated most of all that Iruka trusted him. 

Because then what excuse does Kakashi have for the sorry way he's lived his life? How could he possibly justify what he's doing to Iruka now?

He could tell that Iruka was scared, but he couldn't get himself up to leave. He wanted Iruka to be scared, so he would run far away from him. He wanted Iruka to hate him as he hated himself. 

He plastered a fake, menacing smile on his face.

"Tell me, Iruka, are you scared of me right now?" 

Kakashi's tone was deceptively casual, but his hands gripped Iruka's wrists so hard he cut off his blood circulation.

Iruka, trying to hide his wince, looked away and shook his head unconvincingly.

"Don't lie to me, Iruka," Kakashi said, his eyes narrowing. "My Sharingan knows when you're lying. I can see it in your eyes. I can feel it radiating off you."

He slowly ran his eyes down Iruka and then back up again, causing Iruka's whole body to warm under Kakashi's intensity. 

"You asked me what happened? Well, I just killed a teenager by puncturing a hole through his chest. I watched him die with my arm still in him. He had blonde hair very similar to Naruto's. You know, your most precious student?"

Iruka couldn't stop the stricken look from crossing his face. 

"I had to, of course, because it was my mission. And there's nothing I do better than follow my mission, right? Besides, I had to watch him kill everyone on my team, so you can understand why I might be feeling a bit unsettled."

Kakashi's voice was flat, but it tremored ever so slightly when he mentioned his fallen team.

Iruka's expression changed, first horrified then deeply sad. 

He was sad, sad for the lost Konoha shinobi, and sad for Kakashi. Especially after what Kakashi told him this morning about his friends, he understood now why he was reacting the way he was.

But then Kakashi started tying his wrists together, and Iruka's fear came doubling back. 

Kakashi used an extension cord that was lying on the floor, tying the other end to the bedpost above Iruka's head.

Iruka, the fear now visible on his face, started straining against the cord, twisting his arms.

"Something interesting happened to me tonight," Kakashi continued offhandedly as if he was talking about the weather and not watching Iruka struggle beneath him. "When I was coming back home the image of you suddenly came into my mind. Why do you think that was? Why you?" 

He looked at Iruka, genuinely curious for his answer.

Iruka stopped struggling and looked up at Kakashi. 

"What?" he asked, confused and panicked.

"I asked, why you? Why were you the first person I wanted to see after my mission tonight? That's never happened to me before. I've never wanted to seek out one specific person after a mission in my entire life. Even when I needed my sexual needs taken care of, I'd just go to the red light district or find some girl on the street who would be more than happy to do that for me. But tonight, all I wanted was you. No one else would do. Why is that?"

Kakashi looked distracted as if he was trying to figure out the answer to his own question. 

Iruka's arms were starting to numb, his wrists developing red welts where the cord was digging into. Kakashi had tied them so tight the more he moved the more pain he felt.

He didn't know how to answer Kakashi. What could he possibly say in this situation? 

Kakashi must have come to the same conclusion because he said, "Well, there's no point in answering that now. I'm already here. Maybe I just want to finish what we started earlier today. What do you think, Iruka-sensei?" 

He slowly emphasized 'sensei,' taunting Iruka.

Kakashi grabbed Iruka's jaw, forcefully angling it up to meet his face. He smashed his lips on Iruka's, his breath hot over his mask.

Iruka's body jolted at the sudden contact.

Kakashi had one hand on Iruka's jaw keeping his mouth open while the other trailed down and roughly gripped Iruka's side, the exact place where he kicked him during training this morning. 

Iruka gasped in pain. His hips jerked involuntarily, the pain traveling from his side to his gut. 

Feeling Iruka twitch under him only spurred Kakashi on. He broke the kiss, tearing his mouth off and looking down at Iruka, his eyes wild.

Iruka was breathing hard, tears forming in the outer corners of his eyes as he tried to grapple with the intensifying pain that Kakashi was causing him, his fingers pressing down harder and harder around the pressure points on Iruka's tender hip bone. 

"Kakashi-san, p-please —" Iruka cried out, his hands clenched in pain.

"Mm, yes. I like it when you say my name," Kakashi replied, unconcerned. "Let's see what else I can do to get that response from you."

He let go of his hip and tore Iruka's shirt open, the buttons ricocheting off the walls and clattering onto the floor.

His chest was out, exposing his hard nipples. 

"Oh? Could it be that you're getting turned on by this, Iruka? That's a pretty sight to behold."

Kakashi gave one of Iruka's nipples a flick and his hips twisted up again. Iruka ground his teeth together so he wouldn't give Kakashi the satisfaction of responding.

"Well, now that won't do," Kakashi tutted. "It seems I'll have to try harder."

He aggressively yanked the hair tie off Iruka's head.

Iruka closed his eyes and bit down on his lip, trying not to let a pained whimper escape as he felt his hair rip from his scalp. 

Kakashi tossed the hair tie aside, beside himself at this point. Iruka was still holding back, allowing Kakashi to manhandle him like this. He wanted Iruka to tell him to go away, to never come near him again. 

He slid his hand down Iruka's pants, the elastic waistband allowing him easy access. 

Iruka's eyes shot open as he felt Kakashi's cold palm slide under his pajamas. He yelped as Kakashi gripped his cock over his briefs, his legs twitching reflexively. He drew his knees up together in an attempt to stop Kakashi's hand from roaming further down.

"Oh, no, no, no, Iruka," Kakashi sighed, shaking his head in mock disappointment. "I can't have you doing that. I need to make sure every part of you knows who I am." 

He stared at Iruka then, all humor gone from his eyes.

"So you know _exactly_ what I'm capable of." 

He took his hand out of Iruka's pants and got up from the bed. Without breaking eye contact, he reached down and opened his kunai holster resting on the side of his upper right thigh. He casually tossed a kunai in the air and twirled it around his fingers before holding it loosely in his right hand. 

He climbed back onto the bed, his left hand clamping down on Iruka's thigh while he used his knee to press down on the other, pushing Iruka's legs back down and holding him still. 

Iruka turned his head away and sucked in his breath as Kakashi lifted his arm. The kunai never touched Iruka's skin, but suddenly the right side of his pants was cut open from top to bottom. 

Kakashi chucked the kunai away so its sharp tip wedged into the wooden floor, the handle standing perfectly straight up. He grabbed Iruka's pants and tore it away from him, the ruined pajamas landing beside the kunai. 

Now Iruka was only in his dark briefs and his ripped cotton button-down, one side of it low over his shoulder and his hair splayed out on his pillow. 

His whole body was shaking now, but he couldn't differentiate if it was the fear or arousal making him tremble. Kakashi was running his hand over Iruka's briefs again, making him slowly harden under his palm.

Iruka couldn't stop his whimper from escaping this time, the touch sending shivers up his stomach and catching in his throat. 

"Hmph," Kakashi smirked, pleased at Iruka's reaction. "You're very sensitive, aren't you? I can tell you're trying not to moan. Don't do that. I want to hear you, Iruka. I want to hear everything."

He deftly slid his hand under Iruka's briefs, and Iruka yelped, "Wait, don't —!"

But his plea turned into a shuddering gasp as he felt Kakashi's hand over his raw member, now completely hard. His whole body buckled up as if to meet Kakashi's hand, his arms pulling against the cord.

"Yes, just like that," Kakashi slowly drawled, the deep bass in his voice growing husky. "But louder. I want to hear you scream my name."

Kakashi was torturing Iruka, his pace infuriatingly slow, keeping his grip just firm enough to drive Iruka crazy but not so much as to cause Iruka to cum. 

Iruka was panting heavily, his breathing uneven. Kakashi was teasing him, swiping his index finger over the tip of Iruka's dick, or speeding up just to slow back down right as Iruka felt like he was close. 

Iruka wanted it to stop. He couldn't keep up with Kakashi — one second he was cruel and aggressive, the next provoking and beguiling. Every sensation was threatening to tip him over the edge. His hip and his wrists were still throbbing in pain, but his dick was throbbing with pleasure. It had been so long since anyone's touched him there, and he felt like he was going to fall apart now just from Kakashi's hand. 

But mostly, he didn't want this to happen this way. He always pictured soft kisses and romance with Kakashi or even rough and passionate nights, but this was neither. This was...darkness. When he looked at Kakashi, he saw a man trying his damndest to disguise his pain, to turn it into something ugly. But he could tell, hidden behind the storm in Kakashi's eyes was turmoil. This was hurting him mentally more than it was hurting Iruka physically. 

"Please —," Iruka panted. "Please stop. We don't have to do this, Kakashi-san. Not like this." 

Kakashi's eyes flashed. He felt a sharp stabbing pain in the back of his head, which he ignored. 

"I can help you," Iruka went on. "Please. We can talk about it. I-I want to help you. Please, let me help you. Your friends —"

"SHUT UP!" Kakashi roared, his head now pounding against his skull. He took his hand off of Iruka and slammed his other fist against the wall beside them, the force causing the whole room to rumble. His knuckles turned bloody, and the fist-sized dent on the wall was smeared with his blood as he pulled back. 

"Don't talk about things you could never understand. You think you know me just because I told you a few facts about myself? You're weak, Iruka. The fact that you trusted me to this point shows me how simple-minded you are, how juvenile. You teach your kids about being a shinobi when you've barely experienced it for yourself." 

Iruka was petrified, frozen on the bed, but those biting words still stung. It hit him deep, even more so as it was Kakashi who said them. 

It was as if something snapped inside Kakashi. He looked absolutely terrifying now, his rage unbridled. 

"You want to help me? Fine. I'll show you how you can help me," Kakashi snarled, savagely pulling Iruka's briefs down. 

Iruka panicked and tried to kick Kakashi away, his briefs hanging on one ankle, but Kakashi grabbed his knees and pulled them apart, using the weight of his body to hold them in place. 

Iruka was laid bare in front of him, only his torn shirt providing him any cover. Iruka's face turned red, embarrassed under the cutting pressure of Kakashi's unblinking stare. He wanted to pull his arms over his face but he couldn't, so his feelings of shame and humiliation bubbled up inside of him and threatened to pool over in tears.

But then he felt Kakashi's finger over his entrance and Iruka was suddenly feeling a completely different type of pressure. 

"No — wait, not — aghhhh –!" Iruka gasped as Kakashi twisted his middle finger into his tight entrance, forcing it in. 

Iruka's entire back curved up off the bed as he felt a shooting pain run up his spine. 

Kakashi hadn't prepared him at all, his dry finger creating painful friction inside Iruka. His whole body was tense like a coil, trying to invert itself away from Kakashi. 

But Kakashi was unrelenting. He curved his finger up to hit Iruka's prostate, and Iruka's head shot up off the pillow and their eyes met before he fell back down, his eyes rolling to the back of his head. 

It was an intense pressure, the feeling ballooning in his core. The tip of Iruka's dick was slick with precum. Kakashi was hard too, his own dick straining against his pants as he felt Iruka slowly begin to unravel in the palm of his hand.

He slid his finger out, eliciting another gasp from Iruka as he coated his fingers in some of Iruka's wet, sticky fluid. Then he went back to Iruka's hole, lubricating the rim as he played with his entrance. He used his other hand to grip Iruka's member while he inserted two fingers this time, his ring and middle finger. 

"Ka-kashi —!" Iruka let out a high-pitched, strained cry. His arms flailed wildly above him, hopelessly trying to get out of the restrain. The first pressure was nothing compared to what he was feeling now. Kakashi had thin fingers but they were long, hitting Iruka in every crevice, knowing exactly where it would make Iruka lose control. 

When Iruka felt Kakashi's knuckles up to the hilt, the cry turned into a loud, guttural moan. He could feel every curve of Kakashi's fingers inside of him. The balloon was expanding in his abdomen, the feeling causing him to forget how to breathe.

Then Kakashi started moving both his hands, and Iruka thought he was going to blackout from the intensity. Kakashi wasn't being gentle, taking his fingers nearly all the way out before roughly sliding them back in.

"Mmph!" Iruka choked out every time he felt Kakashi's fingers twist inside of him, his lips pressed together and his arms on fire from them being tense and tied up for so long. Kakashi was moving his hand up and down Iruka's cock as he simultaneously slid his fingers in and out of him. He kept the rhythm perfectly balanced, each sensation layering on top of the other. 

And once Kakashi sped up his pace, Iruka was gone, his body in Kakashi's complete control. He could have done anything to him and Iruka wouldn't have been able to fight back. Each time the pain was becoming too much a wave of pleasure would crash over him, and after a minute Iruka was crying, begging for release. 

Kakashi hooked both his fingers up and the second they grazed his prostate Iruka convulsed, cumming on Kakashi's hand. 

Iruka's heart was beating madly and he shuddered from the sensitivity as Kakashi slid his fingers out and wiped his other hand on Iruka's sheets, the semen and blood from his knuckles mingling together.

Iruka, still trembling, silently turned his head to face the wall, his sweaty hair sticking to his cheeks. 

Kakashi was breathing heavily through his nose. His knuckles were scraped and raw, and the blood from his shoulder wound was already dried on his bicep. He was feeling light-headed, the room starting to spin as his Sharingan threatened to tear his skull open. He had lost a ton of chakra tonight and he knew he was minutes away from falling unconscious. 

Then he paused, his breath stilling. 

He heard a small sob. 

His eyes flickered up to Iruka's face.

Iruka was crying softly, his mouth trembling as heavy tears stained his pillow. His wrists were still tied above him, so Kakashi could see his arms shaking as Iruka openly wept.

His Sharingan saw every detail, every plane, every pore, every damp hair follicle on Iruka's head. It memorized the tear droplets clinging to Iruka's eyelashes while some dripped onto the bridge of his nose. 

The sight tore Kakashi apart. Why? He succeeded, didn't he? Iruka couldn't stand to look at him now. 

And Kakashi never felt worse. 

He placed one hand on the bedpost where the cord was tied. His knees were now on either side of Iruka's torso, and his silver hair that stood out in the dark room hung low over his face as he looked down at Iruka. 

When he lightly moved to turn Iruka's face toward his Iruka flinched, his eyes wincing as if anticipating pain. Kakashi's hand froze, hovering just over Iruka's chin. Only a subtle twitch from the tip of his pinky showed any sign that he noticed Iruka's reaction. 

He slowly put his hand down, the other still holding the bedpost.

A beat of silence. 

"Iruka."

Kakashi's voice was low and gruff. 

Iruka didn't move.

"Iruka, look at me. Please."

Iruka still didn't move. 

Kakashi, gently but firmly taking Iruka's chin in his thumb and index finger, turned Iruka's watery eyes toward his. 

Iruka stared, his look heartbroken. 

"I'm sorry."

Iruka slipped into unconsciousness, the last thing he saw being the tomoes in Kakashi's red cornea swirling in a hypnotic motion. He went limp, his body giving out.

Kakashi started shaking then, overwrought with guilt and exhaustion and tension. He looked down at Iruka, who was out cold. His sleeping face still had his hurt etched across it.

What did he just do to Iruka? 

He staggered back as he felt a shooting pain in both his eyes. He closed his Sharingan and his body went into autopilot, robotically moving one step at a time. He needed to get out of Iruka's apartment now before he dropped unconscious himself. 

He plucked the kunai from the floor and slashed the cord off of Iruka's wrists, watching Iruka's slack arms fall feebly onto the bed. 

He went into the living room and swiftly put his bloody Anbu gear back on, first the armor, then the flak jacket, and finally his gloves. As he clipped the ninjato onto his back and walked towards the window he was forced to pass by Iruka's open bedroom.

Iruka's face was dimly illuminated by the hazy moon shining through the window behind his bed, creating wide shadows across the room. 

The last thing Kakashi saw before he opened the window and jumped to the roof was a single tear falling from the corner of Iruka's eye, disappearing into his brown hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was hard to know where Kakashi was going with this moment. Was he going to go all the way? Was he going to cause Iruka irreparable pain? Instead, we see Kakashi in constant turmoil, disgusted at himself yet unable to stop. Poor Iruka was caught in the chaos, falling victim to the pain in Kakashi's head. He was humiliated and heartbroken, and rightfully so. What will happen to their relationship now, which only just started blooming? Let's find out.


	9. The Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi and Iruka wake up just a few hours after the night's events. They quickly find themselves wishing they had stayed unconscious.

Iruka looked up from his classroom desk. 

Warm sunlight glittered through his open window, and a light breeze tickled the baby hairs on his forehead. 

He watched his students run and play, energized from their lunch, and the tinkling bells of laughter and joy rang distantly out on the grounds. 

It was the perfect day, he reminisced. His lesson had gone flawlessly and every student passed the quiz with flying colors. He even had a day off from the mission desk, so he and Naruto made plans to have dinner together at Ichiraku.

Maybe Kakashi will come too; lately, he's been giving odd reasons to join them for their dinners.

One time he said that their paths have 'simply crossed during his walk of life.' The following week he said that ramen is the only appropriate meal for a shinobi to have after they catch a cat, which Naruto vehemently agreed. 

But Iruka didn't mind — if anything, he was really enjoying Kakashi's company. He found that he was actually quite funny and his wit was as quick as his movements. He definitely had some quirks, like the way he sometimes drifts off from the conversation to point out some shape in the clouds or how he always has dog biscuits in his pockets, but Iruka thought they just made Kakashi more interesting, more real. 

Just the other day, water almost spurt out of his nose when Kakashi told the story of Naruto and Sasuke getting their hands stuck together from an enemy jutsu and how he had the pleasure of watching them pee together the entire trip back home. Naruto didn't agree so much with that story, refusing to share details of what happened before he caught up with Sakura.

Iruka, chuckling fondly at the memory, got up from his chair and turned to clean the blackboard. 

He reached for the eraser when a pale hand suddenly seized his wrist. 

He whipped his head around, but all he could see was red. 

\--

Iruka's eyes opened. 

Tick, tick, tick, tick. 

The air was still, the room dark. 

The only sound he could hear came from the small, circular clock on the wall, its second hand ticking by. 

Tick, tick, tick, tick. 

Judging by the location of the shadows cast on his wall it was around four in the morning.

He must have moved in his sleep, the stinging pain on his wrists waking him up. He turned delicately, wincing as his bruised pelvis touched the mattress. 

He saw his pajama bottoms on the floor beside him, now just torn apart fabric.

Iruka shut his eyes, trying to block out the images threatening to play in his mind.

It had only been a few hours since Kakashi was here. 

He wanted to forget. He wanted to erase the entire night from his memory so he could forget it ever happened. 

But it was hopeless. 

He couldn't forget Kakashi even in his dreams. 

Iruka felt his chest start to quake. He knew if he gave this another minute he would fall apart, and he wasn't sure if he would be able to pick up those pieces right now.

He pulled the covers from his feet all the way over his head, cocooning himself, creating a flimsy shield from the world. 

Tick, tick, tick, tick. 

He gave in to his exhaustion, falling back into darkness while listening to the downbeat of his sorrows. 

\--

Kakashi stood perfectly still, his arms straight down his sides. 

His expression was blank. 

The sky behind the window of the Hokage's office was an ugly, ashen grey. Even though the sun was starting to rise, Kakashi couldn't see it. The overcast sky hid all signs of light, not allowing it to pass through the heavy clouds.

Kakashi had been awake since four in the morning. 

He woke up on his living room floor where he passed out before he could even take off his shoes.

He didn't know why his body decided to wake up at four, but he was exhausted, his chakra levels barely keeping him on his feet. He couldn’t even go back to sleep as his memory didn’t allow it. 

So he took a shower, numbly standing under ice-cold water for an hour with his clothes still on. He couldn't even bring himself to lift his hand to change the water temperature. He just watched the blood wash off him, seeing it splash onto his feet as it slowly turned into streaks of pink before it eventually ran clear.

Then he changed into his regular uniform and walked out of his apartment, heading straight to the Hokage to give his mission report. 

His raw knuckles and shoulders were now hidden under his uniform, so he looked completely unscathed. Every question Tsunade asked him he answered perfectly, his detailed rendition of the mission as comprehensive as it could possibly be. He was monotone as he discussed his teammates' deaths. 

It was like he had jumped straight off the page of the Shinobi Code of Conduct. 

But, on the inside, Kakashi was drowning. 

Every second ticking by from the big clock on the Hokage's wall was like a kunai stab to his head.

Tick, tick, tick, tick. 

He had no idea what he was even saying to Tsunade. It was as if the person responding to her was someone else using his mouth to make the sounds. He was physically in the Hokage's office, but really he was falling into an abyss, the sound of Iruka's cries echoing everywhere throughout its dark, bottomless chasm. 

"Kakashi, are you OK?" Tsunade interrupted.

Tick, tick, tick, tick. 

The Hokage was saying something to him, but her voice sounded far away. 

Tsunade put her hands together under her chin, her frown lines deepening as she observed him. 

"Kakashi, are you injured?"

The office's walls were closing in on him, trying to crush his head through his temples. 

"No, Hokage-sama," he replied, his voice mechanical. 

Tsunade's shrewd eyes narrowed in suspicion.

She wasn't the Hokage for no reason — she could see that Kakashi was not only severely chakra-deprived, but he was also hiding a terrible agony behind his emotionless demeanor. 

The only reason why she hadn't immediately forced him to the hospital was that she was confused. 

She'd never seen him like this before. Not when his father died or when his friends died. Not even when he woke up from his week-long coma after the brutal psychological torture he received from Itachi. 

Right now, he looked like he was being burned from the inside but he couldn't scream out for help. 

This was more than just about his comrades dying during yesterday's mission. She had a feeling it had something to do with Iruka, but she needed to make sure. 

She opened her desk drawer and held out an envelope.

"Here — it's a new letter from Naruto. Pakkun told me you went to Iruka's after the mission. If you're not hurt, can you take this to him for me?"

Kakashi looked down at the manila envelope in her hand. He could see Naruto's huge, sloppy scrawl across the front, Iruka's name barely legible. 

If Tsunade had meant to try and break him, it worked.

"I missed you," Iruka's voice rung out as Kakashi's unceasingly good memory replayed the happy moment he shared with Iruka just less than 36 hours ago. He remembered how Iruka sparkled when Kakashi told him that he would love to read Naruto's letters together. 

TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK. 

The ticking from the clock was now deafening, reverberating through his eardrums like a gong.

He covered his ears, eyes growing hysteric. 

TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK.

The image of Iruka's face smiling up at him fractured like jagged cracks in a mirror. 

He started hyperventilating, clutching his chest as it felt like it was constricting into itself. The splintering pain in the back of his eyes was causing his vision to blur. 

He didn't even notice Tsunade get up from her seat and yell for Shizune to call the medics. 

It was like his lungs were filling with lead and he was being left to drown in his own debilitating guilt. 

To top it off, he imagined how Naruto would react if he were to find out what Kakashi did to Iruka. 

It was the straw that broke the camel's back. 

His knees buckled under him, his legs giving out, and his forehead barely missed Tsunade's desk by a centimeter as he collapsed. 

The last thing he saw was Naruto's letter fall onto the floor as Tsunade tried to catch him mid-faint. 

For the first time, Kakashi was thankful to lose his chakra. His nightmares couldn't possibly be worse than his current reality.

He let himself freefall into the abyss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi and Iruka are connected, even in their pain, no matter how much Kakashi tries to sever that bond. 
> 
> Another one of those shorter transitional chapters. Iruka and Kakashi need to feel their grief and guilt, respectively, but they also need to move on to a place of healing. Let’s find out if they’ll get there.


	10. The Hokage's Advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iruka and Kakashi are still recuperating from Saturday night's events. As they cope in different ways, they get some unexpected help and advice that leads them to even more questions.

Kakashi knew where he was before he even opened his eyes. 

The smell of antiseptic assaulted his nose hidden under the thin cotton blanket. 

Kakashi hated that smell. It was one of the many reasons why he absolutely abhorred the hospital. Nevertheless, he found himself here more often than most, and today was no exception.

He forced open his heavy-lidded eyes.

The light in the room was dim as the day's dreary sun was almost finished setting into the night. The room was drafty and there was an underlying current of loneliness that mingled in the air. 

He turned his head and saw the Hokage sitting on the window sill, looking at him with deep concern and extreme annoyance. 

"Oh — Tsunade-sama," he said, struggling to sit up.

She rolled her eyes and stood up, reaching over to firmly place a hand on his chest. 

"Lie back down, Kakashi, your body is still recovering." 

She picked up the clipboard and scanned his chart. 

"It doesn't seem too bad this time — mainly chakra depletion, a result of overusing your Sharingan, which I know you're more than familiar with now. Your shoulder and knuckles were successfully healed. You didn't even need an IV for pain medication. It seems that someone treated your shoulder wound before you got to the hospital. The examiner wrote here that it was a deep gash but whoever it was managed to heal it most of the way through. The medical-nin finished closing it up and made sure there was no risk of infection. You still need to stay overnight, but you'll get discharged by tomorrow."

She hooked the clipboard back on the bed and let out a tired sigh.

"Iruka tried to heal your shoulder, right?"

Kakashi avoided her stare, as if not looking at Tsunade would also help him not hear her. 

She scowled at Kakashi's childish reaction.

"Instead of going to the hospital after your mission, your ninken tells me you sought out the comfort of Umino Iruka, which is fine and dandy, but then you have an anxiety attack in the middle of my office this morning the minute I mention his name. And now you're acting like a dog turning its head away from the bad thing it did, hoping that if it can't see it then it never happened."

Kakashi looked up at her in disgrace. She continued on, and when she spoke, her tone was that of his Hokage and superior. 

"It's not hard to put two and two together, Kakashi. Clearly something has happened between you and Iruka, and it's causing you intense stress. What you do outside of your missions is none of my business, but when it's negatively affecting your health, you become a risk to other Konoha shinobi." 

Tsuade was worried about Kakashi. He's always been a martyr for his own suffering, always blaming himself for everything. So when she noticed Iruka and Kakashi's blooming interest in each other, she hoped that Kakashi would finally start forgiving himself and allow in some happiness outside of those ridiculous books Jiraiya wrote. 

After a pause, her steely expression softened. "Kakashi, I've seen you at some of your lowest moments, but you've never looked the way you did today. What happened when you were at Iruka's?"

Kakashi felt helpless. No part of him wanted to have this conversation, but he knew she wasn't going to let up. 

"I hurt him," he whispered. 

Tsunade kept her expression even. 

"What do you mean you hurt him?" 

He stared bleakly at her.

"I mean, I hurt him. Physically. Emotionally. In every way I could." 

His eyes moved to the window behind Tsunade. He couldn't stand the shame he was feeling as he imagined Tsunade's look of disgust at him.

"At least with Rin and Obito I could make excuses. Rin jumped to my Chidori. Obito chose to save me. They're pathetic excuses I use to make myself feel better about being able to live, but I have no excuse with Iruka. He'll hate me forever, and there's nothing I can do to stop that. In fact, I did everything I could to make sure it happened."

Tsunade processed what she just heard. After she took a quick mental note to check up on Iruka later, she looked down at the forlorn jonin. She didn't smile, but there was a hint of sympathy behind her voice.

"Kakashi, you have feelings for Iruka, don't you?" 

That caught him off guard. Kakashi didn't expect that to be the Hokage's first reaction. He expected one of her famous punches, thinking that breaking his ribs would be a fitting response to what he did.

"Wh-What?" he stuttered.

"And Iruka has feelings for you too."

He winced and shook his head. "If he did at all, he doesn't now. Not after what I did." 

Kakashi looked miserable and lost. "Hokage-sama, please don't be kind to me. I don't deserve your understanding. I should be jailed and tortured for what I did to Iruka."

Tsunade sighed in exasperation and pinched the bridge of her nose. Her annoyance at Kakashi came back in full force. 

"You know, for someone who is such a genius on the field, you are truly hopeless in everything else. You may be the dumbest person I've ever known when it comes to matters of the heart, and I grew up with Jiraiya." 

She went to the window and looked out at the village she holds so dear, the village that she knows is her duty to protect, even if it's the reason why she lost the loves of her life. 

"Kakashi, I'm saying this to you not as your Hokage, but as someone who unfortunately does understand. I'm nearly two generations older than you, and I've only just started living life again with the future in mind, with my dream of seeing Naruto as Hokage."

She looked at him to make sure he heard her next words. 

"You're a crucial part of that dream, Kakashi. I plan on making you my successor before Naruto, but I can't have the Rokudaime be someone who is so willing to throw his life away. Don't be like me and waste another twenty years of your life."

Kakashi was stupefied. Him? The one lying uselessly in the hospital? The Sixth Hokage? 

It was a future he couldn't even fathom. 

Tsunade's expression was stern, but her voice was kind as she walked back to him. 

"You've been given a chance to live for something other than the promises you made to your ghosts. Don't ruin that chance because you're scared to lose Iruka. Staying away from him doesn't guarantee his safety. And you'll both lose more than just your lives if you continue this way."

Kakashi was about to disagree when she held her hand up, indicating that she wasn't done. 

"You hurt him because you were trying to push him away, right? You wanted to push away the feelings of attachment that you worked so hard to avoid your whole life. But Iruka is not like us. He's not jaded about life. He's a good person. He sees people as they are and he accepts them. I can see that so much of the good that's in that brat is from him. He'll be good for you Kakashi, if you let him."

She looked squarely at him then.

"And maybe you don't deserve my understanding. Regardless of feelings, you hurt a fellow Konoha shinobi. If Iruka decides to press charges, you can best believe that I will indeed put you in jail and give a punishment that's fit to the crime. But I'm tired of seeing you make yourself your worst enemy. You've been punishing yourself your whole life. It's time to actually live, Kakashi."

She lightly patted the top of his head and made her way to the door.

"Make up with Iruka. Grovel at his feet if you have to. Do whatever it takes. For the amount of guilt you're feeling, you should work twice as hard to get his forgiveness. I know Iruka cares for you, Kakashi. I'm certain that his feelings won't so easily die out. So go earn them."

She paused at the doorway. 

"I'm going to tell the nurse to give you some sleep medication once I leave. I know I've given you a lot to consider, but for tonight you need to rest if you want your chakra levels restored. I'm going to speak with Iruka. You can expect an update from me later."

She walked out, and ten seconds later a nurse came bustling in with two sleeping pills and a small paper cup filled with water. 

"Please take these now, Hatake-san. They'll help you have a dreamless sleep." 

He quickly swallowed everything. Usually, he's very reluctant to take medication, but he wasn't going to say no to a dreamless sleep right now.

The Hokage is evil, he thought drowsily, as the medicine started running its course. She's evil for being so brutally honest with him in this state. For giving him a tiny bit of hope.

\--

Iruka had woken up around noon, having slept poorly all night. 

It took him a minute, as his groggy mind was suspended somewhere between consciousness and unconsicousness. He struggled to get up from the bed, gingerly putting on the briefs that were still hanging on his ankle. 

He could see through the open sliver where the curtains met that it was gloomy out. 

Looks about right, he thought. It was fitting weather for the way he felt. 

It was like everything was drained out of him, leaving only a dull ache everywhere. 

He switched on the light to the bathroom and saw his reflection in the mirror. He hesitantly made his way closer, seeing multiple streaks of red on his wrists showing exactly where he was restrained. And like he predicted at the training ground, there was a large bruise on his right hip. But now there were also five splotchy red spots surrounding it where Kakashi's fingertips dug into. 

He made himself continue with his examination, bringing his eyes up to the rest of his body. There were a couple of light fingernail marks along with a faint, thumbprint-shaped bruise on the side of his neck. His eyes were also a little swollen from crying before he was forced into involuntary sleep. 

He turned away from the mirror, but it did little to ease his grief. 

For Iruka, his biggest wound wasn't one that he could see. It was knowing that he and Kakashi were now completely changed, that whatever relationship they started to form had crumbled in less than an hour. 

He could feel his resolve slipping. He shut his eyes tight, putting pressure on them with the palm of his hands so his tears wouldn't fall out. 

All he wanted to do was take the shinobi-grade sleeping pills in the medicine cabinet behind the mirror and knock himself out, but he knew it would do nothing but delay the pain for the next time he wakes up. And unless he wanted to spend the rest of his life in a semi-coma, he was going to have to endure it.

He grit his teeth, thinking about how Kakashi called him weak and juvenile. How he's barely experienced what being a shinobi is like. A ball of anger flamed up in Iruka. 

For all the hurt and pain he's feeling, he still had his pride, and he wasn't going to easily forget what Kakashi said. He made himself be controlled by the anger, to let it overtake his emotions. 

Anger was manageable. Loss wasn't.

He tore off his now unusable shirt and his briefs, ignoring the pain in his side, and stepped into the stall. Iruka wanted to wash the night off him, to get it off his body as much as he could. 

He spent the remainder of the day doing the same for his house. He washed the splatters of blood that was dried on the sink, unsure if it was Kakashi's or from the person he killed. He stripped everything off his mattress and promptly ran three loads of laundry, washing his blanket, sheets and pillows, and dirty clothes. 

The blood on the wall came off easily with a wet towel, but the dent wasn't something he could fix today. He would need to go to the hardware store to buy putty and primer and a sanding block, and he didn't think he would be able to handle seeing anyone, god forbid it to be Kakashi.

He stared at it for a long while. It was getting harder to focus on his anger when he could still see Kakashi's terrifying expression as he punched the wall, the way his eyes flashed both in agony and rage.

Of all the mess of emotions Iruka was feeling, he was mainly confused. 

Why would Kakashi do this to him? After they were finally starting to acknowledge each other's feelings? Why push him away now? 

He was thinking about how one minute Kakashi made cruel, cold-hearted remarks and the next he would say things that baffled the chunin, like how all he wanted after his mission was to see him. Even when he made his scathing comments, he looked like it was torturing him to say them. 

And more than anything, Iruka couldn't stop thinking about the way Kakashi apologized at the end. It was a genuine plea, the way his voice broke slightly, Kakashi's eyes reflecting his grief back to him. 

Iruka felt like he was in a battle of his own. One part of him wanted to go hunt Kakashi down to demand answers and possibly knock his well-hidden teeth out while the other never wanted to see him again. He wasn't sure which part he wanted more. 

His thoughts were punctured by the buzzing sound from the washer.

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly before moving away from the wall, continuing with his cleaning spree.

He could obsess over Kakashi and clean at the same time.

\--

Iruka tucked the last corner of his fresh sheets into the bed. 

The dirty one from last night was rolled tight into a ball and stuffed in his trashcan, on top of the broken extension cord and his ripped pajamas. 

He had chucked the fresh strawberries in there too. He couldn't look at them without thinking about the brief sexual escapade they shared before Kakashi left for his mission, before everything was ruined.

He surveyed his room, wincing slightly as he bent back up. 

The apartment was completely clean, almost devoid of any signs of what happened the previous night. He even mopped the floor, just to make sure there weren't still traces of blood left. 

He willfully ignored the dent in the wall and the small line gouged in his floor from the kunai, and went toward the dining table to organize the papers and textbooks. 

'Am I going to be OK for school tomorrow?' Iruka ruminated, worriedly chewing on his lip. 

The subtle bruise on his neck was nearly gone already, so he didn't need to worry about hiding that or his hip. But he would have to pull his uniform sleeves down all the way so his students wouldn't be able to see his wrists. Sometimes those kids were more perceptive than the adults, and he knew word would quickly get around if someone were to see the welts.

He was standing by the table with a textbook in his hand, brooding over what he should do when, this time, a sharp knock at the door broke his train of thought. 

The color instantly drained from his face and his heart plummeted to his stomach. 

Was it Kakashi? Did he come back? He couldn't tell; whoever it was had their chakra signature hidden.

He was stuck to the floor, unable to move when he heard a deep voice call out, "Umino-san, the Hokage is requesting your presence."

It was a voice he didn't recognize. Relief flooding his face, Iruka put the textbook down and opened his door. 

He was greeted with an Anbu wearing a full-length black hooded cloak and a mask with a cat's face designed with red and green markings. 

Iruka tried not to think about how similar it was to Kakashi's dog mask, and asked, "Did she say why?" 

The Anbu ignored his question. "She would like to speak with you now. It's chilly out, so please grab a jacket and I can escort you to her office. Don't worry about changing into your uniform." 

"Uhm — right, thank you. I'll just be a-a second," Iruka replied, a little nonplussed. 

Since he used to spend a lot of time with the Third Hokage, he was somewhat familiar with the Anbu members. But he never had one care about his warmth or offer to go with him to the office. They usually just disappeared after giving him his message. 

He grabbed a thin jacket from the coat rack and zipped it up over his white t-shirt as he slipped on his usual sandals. Luckily, he had worn his dark knit jogger pants today instead of his favorite fuzzy fleece pants with the cartoon dolphins all over them, so he didn't need to change. 

He quickly stepped out and locked his door. The mysteriously thoughtful Anbu walked with Iruka's pace, but he took them through alleyways and out-of-view paths. Iruka held his arms across his chest as they walked silently to the Hokage's office. 

A cold gust of wind passed through and he shivered, tightening his arms. The weather was totally different from two nights ago, when the stars were painted across the sky and the breeze was cool and welcome. He couldn't see a single star tonight and the wind was uncomfortably chilly. Even the moon was nowhere to be found, masked behind clouds of cold, murky grey.

Iruka thought that he would have trouble being around people today, but there was something about the Anbu beside him that he innately trusted. Perhaps it was just the unexpected kindness that made Iruka let his guard down. 

Kakashi's caustic voice suddenly echoed in his ear. 

_"You're weak, Iruka. The fact that you trusted me to this point shows me how simple-minded you are, how juvenile."_

Iruka tensed. Was he right? Did he do to Kakashi what he's doing with this Anbu? Just blindly assume the best in people just because they're a little nice to him? 

He quickened his pace, keeping his arms pressed close to himself. He clenched his jaw, hating that Kakashi got into his head. Until now he had never doubted his instincts about people, resolutely believing in the good in humanity. 

But what if he's mistaken? Were his instincts about Kakashi wrong? And what about this Anbu member? 

This person was a complete stranger, and they were walking alone through concealed alleyways. Iruka certainly didn't have enough strength in him right now to be able to put up much of a fight. 

He could feel a low panic form in his throat. The road in front was starting to look endless. 

Iruka was considering running ahead when the Anbu softly said, "Please relax, Umino-san. I won't hurt you. The Hokage asked that I escort you to her office so you get there safely. We should arrive in less than ten minutes."

That was the second time this cat-masked Anbu surprised Iruka. It was like he had heard everything he was thinking. 

Maybe he did hear, Iruka wondered. 

His curiosity got the better of him. "Anbu-san, can you read minds? Is that why you're in Anbu?"

The Anbu sputtered, masking his laugh with a cough. 

"Hah — no, I can't read minds," he responded, clearing his throat. "Actually, it's pretty easy to tell how you're feeling just by looking at your eyes. They don't hide much." 

Iruka grimaced. "Not the first person to tell me that," he mumbled to himself. 

If the Anbu heard, which he most likely did, he didn't say anything. 

They walked in silence again, but the energy was less tense now, more open.

This Anbu clearly had no intention of hurting him. Iruka decided to take a risk, compelled by his need to know whether he was wrong to trust Kakashi.

"Anbu-san, have you ever worked with Hatake Kakashi?"

The Anbu really coughed then. He didn't expect Iruka to be so forward and ask him directly about the masked-man. 

He didn't respond at first, taking time to collect himself and figure out how he wanted to answer. He decided to go with the truth, or at least what he could say of it. 

"Yes," he said. 

Iruka nodded his head and continued. "What kind of person do you think he is?"

The Anbu paused. "Why do you want to know, Umino-san?" 

"Please, call me Iruka. Honestly, I wouldn't ask at all, but I feel like I can trust you. And I'm not wrong to trust you, am I?"

The Anbu shook his head, looking thoughtfully at Iruka, though Iruka couldn't see. 

"No, you're not wrong," he said quietly. 

He didn't say anything for a while, just stared straight ahead. By the time he spoke again, Iruka could see the door of the Hokage building. 

"I think Kakashi-senpai is someone who requires a lot of patience to deal with. I've had more moments than I'd like to admit when I wanted to suffocate him with his pillow as payback for all the work he piled on me. He can be an extremely frustrating individual, and he's one of the people I respect most in this world."

Iruka let out a short exhale, surprised again.

"Kakashi-senpai? He's your senpai?" he asked in disbelief. 

The Anbu nodded. "Yes, I was assigned to his Anbu squad a long time ago."

"But...if you feel that way why is he someone you respect the most?"

"Because he's the reason why I'm alive. And why someone I hold dear to me is also alive. He welcomed me into Anbu and I learned under his leadership for years. I wouldn't be who I am now if it wasn't for Kakashi-senpai, so I have no choice but to respect him."

They stopped at the entrance. 

"Since I've already come this far, I'll leave you with one last thought. If Kakashi-senpai is ever confusing to you, it's only because he's confused himself. He's spent too many years being alone, and I think it's finally catching up to him now. He would kill me for saying this, but I think he needs someone like you in his life."

He slightly bowed his head, and Iruka could see tufts of short, spiky brown hair peeking out of the hood. 

"The Godaime is waiting for you upstairs in her office. I'm glad I finally got a chance to meet you, Iruka-kun. You seem like a good person. I hope the next time we meet it's with both of you together."

He disappeared, leaving without a trace. He was back at his post on the roof where he stood before Tsunade called for him to bring Iruka to her. 

Once he saw the stunned Iruka walk into the building he took off his mask and sighed, rubbing his eyebrow like a mom fed up with her kids' antics.

Tenzo stared across the roof to the hospital building, to a dark room five floors up. He was there when his senpai fainted and when he and Tsunade spoke at the hospital. Overhearing personal things was a natural aspect to being an Anbu guard, and while he thought it wasn't his place to let Iruka know what happened, he still wanted to be honest since he asked for his opinion. 

Shaking his head in exasperation, Tenzo thought, 'Kakashi-senpai, you better get it together soon because Iruka-kun may be the only person who can save you from yourself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While Kakashi continues to torture himself over his actions, Iruka wants to seek answers, to know whether or not he was wrong about Kakashi. Tenzo and Tsunade try their best to help repair the damage, but it's up to Iruka to decide what he wants to do next.


	11. The Explanation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iruka and Tsunade discuss what happened, and she does what she can to help. But Iruka still wants answers, and there's only one person who can give them to him.

Iruka knocked softly on the door and stepped into the office.

"Hokage-sama, you called for me?" he said gingerly. 

"Oh, Iruka." Tsunade put down the document in her hand. "Have a seat." 

As he sat down on the chair in front of her, she peered at him closely, cupping her hands on her desk.

"What can I do for you, Hokage-sama?" Iruka asked. 

Her quiet scrutiny was making him nervous, so he unconsciously reached up to scratch his scar. When he lifted his arm, the jacket sleeve pulled back and Tsunade's eyes drew to the red welts on his wrist.

Following her gaze, Iruka immediately put his hand back down and tugged nervously on his sleeve.

She narrowed her eyes briefly before she said, "Iruka, I have to warn you, the conversation we're about to have is not going to be pleasant. But I need you to be honest with me, at least as much as you'd like to be. And I need you to know that I will do whatever I can for you as your Hokage. Do you understand me?"

"Y-Yes...Hokage-sama," Iruka faltered.

She bent forward slightly, softening her tone. "Please tell me what happened between you and Kakashi last night after his mission."

Iruka's eyes grew wide, not expecting this to be the reason why he was called in. 

"Wh-What do you mean by that, Tsunade-sama?" he stammered. He wanted to go back home, away from her piercing gaze that already saw too much. 

She looked down at her desk and sighed wearily. 

"Iruka, I'm going to be completely transparent with you. Kakashi was in my office early this morning giving his mission report when he collapsed from chakra exhaustion and severe stress. He came to a couple of hours ago at the hospital where he told me that he hurt you. He said that he should be jailed and tortured for what he did to you."

She slid Naruto's letter across the desk. "He collapsed when I told him to give you this."

Iruka didn't move to pick up the letter, but he could see from the scrawl that it was from Naruto. His hands started shaking on his lap, and he dug his nails into his thighs to try to stay in control. 

But his efforts were futile. Whatever small amount of resolve he had during the day completely broke, and so did he. 

Iruka started sobbing, gripping his pants until his knuckles were white. It was too much, seeing Naruto's letter. The feelings that he thought he could endure came crashing over him like a tsunami. 

He could still feel how happy he was when Kakashi told him he would love to read Naruto's letters with him. How helpless he felt as Kakashi watched him cry out in pain. Now the pang of missing Naruto came down in full force too, compounding with all the other emotions threatening to tear him apart. 

He clutched the front of his jacket in anguish and wailed, not able to hold back anymore. Tears streamed down his cheeks and onto his lap while bubbles of snot dripped out of his nose. He gulped noisily from all the saliva pooling in his mouth. 

He thought he was successfully enduring the pain all day, but really he had been in denial. It was the first time he understood why people called it heartbreak. It felt like his heart was breaking apart over and over again, each rip more painful than the last. 

Tsunade didn't move. She just watched him sadly, allowing him space and time to let it all out. They spent nearly an hour this way, not exchanging a single word, with Iruka crying fresh tears every time he remembered something new or felt a different emotion.

He wept for his poor heart that he knew would never be the same. He was furious at Kakashi for being so cruel to tease him with happy memories before hurting him this way. He felt pathetic that a part of him was still worried about Kakashi, that he was still trying to find some way to hold onto what they were before last night.

Eventually, Iruka's crying subsided, only because he was physically unable to, having exhausted his tear ducts. He felt like he was skinned raw, cut down to his bones. His vision was blurry as his eyes were already puffy and red from having cried so much. He hiccuped, feeling like his heart was rattling in his empty chest every time he tried to inhale.

After inspecting him for another moment, Tsunade opened her bottom drawer and took out a bottle of sake along with a cup. She poured a generous amount before closing the bottle and putting it back in her drawer.

"Here, drink this. All of it," she said, placing the cup in front of him. The fact that she didn't join him for the drink really cemented to him the gravity of the situation. 

Iruka unsteadily held the cup, sloshing a little sake on his jacket before downing it. He was grateful as he felt it burn his esophagus and his chest. The alcohol helped numb his body and mind just enough that he wasn't shaking anymore.

Once she felt like he had calmed down enough, Tsunade tried again. 

"Iruka, what did Kakashi mean when he said he hurt you? Can you walk me through what happened yesterday?"

Iruka couldn't bring himself to look at her when he spoke.

"W-We spent the morning together, training. He came to my house for lunch."

He shakily drew in a shallow breath. 

"We were being...intimate when you called him out for his mission. He left. Then about 12 hours later, he came back. He was in his Anbu gear. He had blood all over him, and he was injured. When I tried to heal him, h-he choked me."

Iruka was nervously fiddling with a loose thread on the bottom of his jacket, focusing on that and not the increasingly concerned look on the Hokage's face.

"He pushed me onto the bed. I asked him what happened and he told me that his teammates died and he killed a teenager that had hair like Naruto's. He said I was the only person he wanted to see after the mission ended, and that he'd never experienced that before. Then he —"

Iruka hesitated, biting his lip. He didn't think he could give the details without breaking down again. 

"—he put his hands on me, tying me up first. H-He said he wanted me to know exactly what he was capable of," Iruka finished meekly. That was as detailed as he was willing to go. 

Tsunade exhaled slowly and got up from her chair. She looked out her window, silently piecing together everything Iruka and Kakashi told her. 

When she spoke to Kakashi at the hospital, she thought maybe they had a fight, one that could be forgiven if Kakashi tried. But this...this was so much more complicated. Iruka didn't have to explain for her to know the rest of the story. 

It was moments like this when Tsunade had a hard time grappling between being the Hokage and being herself. As Hokage, she knew she had to take care of what was in front of her, which was Iruka. To make sure the proper steps were taken to ensure his well-being. But all she wanted to do was hold him and cry too. She was hurting for both him and Kakashi, feeling like this was all a result of the corrosive shinobi-world they live in, making them victims to its cycle of hatred. 

In spite of that, when she turned to Iruka again it was as the Hokage, knowing that holding her cool was what he needed from her right now.

"Thank you, Iruka, for telling me this. I know that must have been hard for you," she said soberly. "There are a few steps we need to take now, so I want you to listen to me carefully and answer when you feel comfortable." 

She sat back down and looked at him calmly.

"The first thing I need to ask is if you're in any pain. If so, I'd like you to go to the hospital to get examined. It will consist of both internal and external examinations, or whatever you feel comfortable doing. They can heal you there for both."

Iruka adamantly shook his head no. Having a stranger poke and prod at him was the last thing he wanted right now. 

She nodded, understanding. 

"OK, then the next thing is whether you want to press charges on Kakashi. It is well within your rights to do so. And since Kakashi admitted it himself already, it is now up to you how you want to proceed."

That made him pause. He felt like he had experienced every emotion known to man today, but needing lawful justice wasn't one of them. He knew what Kakashi did was wrong. Not just wrong, terrible. He had seen shinobi get locked up for much less. But he also knew that it wouldn't help him in any way if Kakashi was thrown in jail. 

It wouldn't make him feel any better or help him make sense of what happened. It would only leave him with more unanswered questions and an unmendable heart. 

"No, I don't want to press charges. I just want to know why he did what he did," he asserted. "I know he was thinking about his friends; we had talked about them earlier that day. But why did he have to take it out on me? When doing so was hurting him too?" 

Tsunade recounted her conversation with the jonin. "He told me that he did everything he could to make sure you hated him forever."

"But, why?! Just earlier that day he was the complete opposite! It makes no sense!" Iruka cried out, appalled. "The Anbu who escorted me here told me that Kakashi-san was confused and that he needs someone like me in his life. But I was already willing to be in his life! If he didn't want me in it, he could have just continued to ignore me and kept his distance as he had been. Why did he have to go and get my hopes up if he was going to push me out anyway?"

Tsunade replied somberly, "I think he's beating himself up over that very question, Iruka. When he came into my office, he looked like he was burning alive. I don't think any amount of time in T&I could compare to the pain he inflicts on himself."

She crossed her arms as she leaned back on her chair, staring up at the ceiling. 

"If I had to guess, this is the first time Kakashi ever had his resolve tested like this. Ever since I've known that boy he has staunchly remained alone. It's ridiculous, honestly. He constantly touts the importance of never abandoning friends, yet he has no problem abandoning himself."

She shook her head in frustration at the hapless jonin before looking at Iruka sympathetically. 

"I don't think it was his intention for it to end up this way between you two. It was probably really hard for him to continue ignoring his feelings for you, Iruka. You are so warm and loving as a person, and Kakashi has starved himself of both for years."

Tsunade got up from her chair again, this time walking over to him. She held up her hand, silently requesting for Iruka to give her his. She gently pushed his sleeves up and began administering healing chakra to his wrists.

"The thing with Kakashi is that he lives his life thinking he is the root cause of all pain. You know this well. Whether it's his old teammates or Sasuke leaving the village, he thinks it's all his fault. So, in his own horrifyingly twisted way, I think he did this because he thought that keeping you away from him would keep you safe. 

She finished one wrist and moved onto the other. 

"But Kakashi has no excuse for this, and he knows it," she said, frowning at his wound. "He should never have allowed himself up to your place when he knew he was unstable. Even if you don't press charges, I'm going to deal with Kakashi in my own way." 

Tsunade patted the top of his hand before dropping it back down. He saw that both his wrists were healed, with only a tiny hint of a scar remaining. 

He didn't know what to think. His gut told him she was right, about all of it. But he still had so many questions that no one but the jonin himself would be able to answer.

Iruka tiredly rubbed his hands over his eyes. He felt more exhausted now than he did yesterday. He was considering asking the Hokage for the day off tomorrow when she said, "Oh, and you're going to take paid leave off from work, effective immediately. Let's start with two weeks and go from there." 

She already had the Academy calendar in her hand, making a little mark on tomorrow's date. 

"And if you feel like you need more time after that, we can make it work," she continued, scribbling "TBD" under Iruka's name. 

Iruka's head shot up in dismay. "No — Tsunade-sama! I can't take two weeks off from work! What about my students? What about the mission desk?"

She stared daggers at him and, in her usual no-nonsense tone, said, "You can and you will take two weeks off. That's a direct order from your Hokage, Umino. Your students will be fine. They'll be better off with a substitute than watching you try and act normal for them." 

She snapped the calendar shut and sat down on her chair once more.

"You went through a traumatic ordeal, Iruka, both emotionally and physically. If you don't take the time to properly grieve and let yourself go through it all, you'll never heal," she said sternly.

"But people will ask questions. I've never been away from work for that long," he argued. "It'll be more tiring to try and explain to everyone why I'm not working." 

Tsunade took this into consideration. It was a valid point. 

"Hmm, you're right," she conceded. "Your workaholic reputation is unparalleled in this village. Alright, this is what we'll do." 

She lifted up various stacks of paper on her desk before she found what she needed. It was a gold-embossed envelope made from rich cardstock. She slit it open with her freshly manicured pinky nail and took out two equally fancy-looking tickets.

"Take this," she said, handing him one. "It's a pass to a private luxury onsen. They reserve them only for VIP's, like the Daimyo. I was gifted it ages ago, but I never had the chance to go. You're going to stay there for the two weeks, and it'll be marked in a report that you're on a solo mission. I think it'll be good for you to get away from Konoha right now anyway."

Iruka looked down at the pass in his hand and then looked up at her as if she was crazy.

"I can't take this, Tsunade-sama; it's too much," he blanched, trying to hand it back to her. "I would feel guilty using it while everyone else is at work. Besides, why would I go on a mission all of a sudden? People would question that immediately."

She huffed, and he could tell her patience with him was slowly waning.

"If someone asks, I'll tell them that I personally recommended you to tutor the Daimyo's kid for a period of time. That's actually true; he asked me a month ago if there was a suitable tutor for his daughter and I was going to make you go. But he canceled, deciding to take his kid on a vacation instead. So stop worrying and just go." She glowered at him. "Don't make me tell you twice."

Iruka gave in, knowing there was no point in arguing any further. If there was anyone more hard-headed than him, it was the Fifth Hokage. 

"What..what will happen to him?" Iruka couldn't help but ask. 

She raised her eyebrow slightly. "Are you concerned about Kakashi?" 

"No — well, maybe, I just —" His thoughts were in shambles. "—I just want to know what you meant when you said you plan on dealing with him in your own way."

Tsunade studied his face, speaking carefully. 

"Well, the first thing will be to update him tomorrow when he wakes up. I had him take sleep medication tonight, so he should be asleep right now. I can give you the same if you wish," she offered.

He shook his head. He didn't need sleep medication to fall asleep tonight; all his energy was depleted after the emotional toll he had been through.

"I'll be letting him know that you decided not to press charges," Tsunade went on. "Personally, I think Kakashi, like you, needs some time to figure stuff out. I'm afraid that he'll become self-destructive if he continues to take missions at the rate he does. I'm thinking of putting him on house arrest, but I'm sure Kakashi will have his own ideas as to what he needs to do to atone for his actions."

Iruka gnawed on the inside of his cheek. There was no way around it. No matter how luxurious the onsen is, he knew he wouldn't be able to relax until he got some answers. 

"I want to talk to him before I leave tomorrow." He looked at her steadily. "I need to see him."

She frowned. "Do you think you'll be OK to do that?"

"Yes," he said resolutely. "Even if I'm not OK, I still have to do it. I won't be able to find any peace over these next two weeks if I don't."

She pursed her lips and nodded. "OK. We can do this in any number of ways. You can be here in the office if you don't want to be alone. You can meet him in the hospital. Or you can meet on your own time tomorrow — whatever you wish."

"On my own time," he quickly responded. "It's probably a bad idea, but I just feel like I need to talk to him alone. I need to look in his eyes and hear it in his own words." 

He stood up, bowing his head. He wanted to be back in his bed again, to be done with this horrible day.

"Thank you, Tsunade-sama, for checking in on me. If that's all, I'd like to go and get some rest now." 

"Yes, that's all," she concurred. "You, like always, showed real strength tonight, Iruka. I'm grateful that you were the one to care for Naruto. It seems the Sandaime knew exactly what he was doing."

She pressed Naruto's letter in his hand. "I don't know why this letter made you both react so violently, but I think you should take it with you on your trip. Read it whenever you're ready. Naruto wrote it for his favorite sensei, after all. Good luck, Iruka."

Iruka slipped it in his pocket, the corners poking his thigh as he jumped across rooftops to get to his apartment. Unlike the walk to the office earlier, he didn't care about the biting air on his face; he just wanted to go home as quickly as possible. 

The thin envelope felt like a brick in his pocket, bearing the weight of all his hurt over what was and what now, it seems, could never be. 

\--

"Kakashi-senpai."

There was a steady drumming on the window pane. It was like an irregular metronome, a constant beat on the window with each drop a little different. Some were heavier than others, splashing down with more force. But they all hit like staccatos, every droplet creating a distinct, detached sound from the other. 

"Kakashi-senpai."

It was a spring shower. Usually, he liked spring rain, liked watching the droplets fall onto leafy, full trees, wetting the earth. He would feel refreshed by it, the smell of wet dirt, watching the rain soak into the ground. It was like the world was getting cleansed, him along with it. 

But today, it was sensory overload. The rain sounded a little too sharp, the air a little too frigid. 

"Kakashi-senpai." 

He frowned. Whoever was calling him was pulling him out of his sleep. But it was a familiar sound, one that didn't get his defenses raised. 

"Senpai, please wake up. I have a message for you."

He opened his eyes then.

Tenzo was standing beside his bed with his cat Anbu mask in hand, wet from the rain. There was a trail of water from the window where he had come in. 

Kakashi quickly sat up. He pulled his mask back on, needing the security. He wasn't necessarily hiding his face from Tenzo, who had seen it a few times already during missions. He just felt naked, as if his sins were laid bare before him. 

He turned to Tenzo, who was looking at him with pity and what seemed like a hint of disapproval. 

"I'm sorry I had to wake you, but the Hokage wants to see you in her office. She said to go and see her as soon as you're ready."

Kakashi's already saggy shoulders drooped even more, knowing exactly why he was being called in.

Having a dreamless sleep may have been a necessary reprieve, but now he had to face the music, to accept whatever judgment was placed upon him. 

He nodded dispiritedly. "OK, thanks Tenzo."

Tenzo was peering at him in trepidation. Kakashi had seen that look on his kohai's face before, knowing it was usually followed up with some kind of annoyingly accurate observation. 

He got the feeling that he wasn't going to enjoy what comes next. "What? What is it?" he sighed.

"I met Iruka last night when I escorted him to Tsunade-sama's office," Tenzo confessed. "I —"

"How is he?" Kakashi cut him off in a rush. "Is he OK? What did he say?"

The disapproving look on Tenzo's face was prominent now. 

"How do you think he is, Kakashi-senpai? When I saw him he was still trying to keep it together, but I heard he broke down once he talked to the Hokage."

Kakashi winced. Somehow it felt worse hearing this come from Tenzo, who insisted on continuing.

"He asked me about you. What I thought of you. I told him that I think all those years of being alone are finally catching up to you." 

Kakashi remained silent, knowing there was more. 

"I know I'm in no position to berate you after everything you've done for me, senpai. And I have a feeling Tsunade-sama will do that plenty. I just wanted to tell you that I can understand why you fell for him and that I hope you do everything possible to get his forgiveness."

Tenzo made his way toward the window. "I also told him that you need him in your life. Kakashi-senpai, please don't let your self-hating tendencies ruin this. The fact that he asked me about you shows that he still cares. So go and make this right, otherwise, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life."

He left Kakashi alone with his guilt and the blister of shame from being told off by his former subordinate, knowing he was right. 

\--

Kakashi was desolate as he walked back to his apartment. 

He just finished his conversation with Tsunade who had, in no uncertain terms, told him that Iruka was the only reason why he wasn't in jail right now. 

She also expressed in a not-so-subtle way that she wanted to pummel him for what he did if he didn't already look so pathetic. 

"When you told me not to be kind to you, I thought you were overreacting," she snarled. "I had no idea the kind of hurt you actually gave that man. His skin was peeled raw on his wrists, Kakashi. And I'm pretty sure that's not the only injury he had either, but he didn't want to go to the hospital."

Kakashi stood there, weak and shamed. 

It wasn't a long conversation. The Hokage told him that he was being temporarily suspended from missions and that he was to stay in his house indefinitely until her next update. She said to use that time to think about her words at the hospital while she decided what she was going to do with him.

He didn't argue; he would have accepted any decision. What he wanted was to be put on a long-term mission as far away as possible from Konoha, but he knew why the Hokage was keeping him in the village.

She was worried about him being reckless, and she was right to think so. Right now, he felt like dying on a mission would be a welcome gift, which is never a good feeling for a shinobi to have. 

Instead, he was walking in the showering rain with his hands stuffed in his pockets and his shoulders slouched, completely numb to the water splashing on his face. 

He was thinking about that day nearly a year ago, the day of the Third Hokage's funeral. It had been raining that day too. 

Iruka had looked so vulnerable, staring up at him with his wet hair stuck to his face. Kakashi knew even then that it was a bad idea, that he should just go back to his apartment alone. 

But something about seeing Iruka be so nurturing to Naruto, to feel that kind of warmth on such a sad, lonely day. He thought, maybe just once. Maybe just once, he could have some of that warmth too. 

He should have known that once was never going to be enough, not with Iruka. 

Kakashi dolefully walked up the stairs to his apartment with his eyes plastered to the ground. As he got closer to his door, he noticed a pair of feet standing in front of it, facing his direction. 

His heart stopped. 

There was only one person who had this chakra signature. And if he hadn't been drowning in the depths of his self-made Hell, he would have noticed it a mile back. 

He slowly lifted his head. Some of the water in his hair dripped onto his naked cheek, and it trailed down to the edge of his mask, absorbing into the fabric.

Their eyes met. 

Iruka was standing stock-still, his hands balled into fists by his side. 

Kakashi stood motionless too, unbreathing. 

Neither of them blinked or moved a muscle. They just stood there, four feet apart, their eyes suspended on each other. The only sound between them was the rain hitting the edge of the roof.

Iruka had been waiting for Kakashi ever since the Anbu from last night knocked on his bedroom window to tell him that Kakashi had been discharged from the hospital.

It was still early enough that there weren't many people heading out for work yet, but he had started to get anxious, pacing back and forth by Kakashi's door, not wanting anyone to see him waiting there. 

He was wet and cold, and his nerves were starting to get the better of him. He had made up his mind to try again later when he turned and saw Kakashi trudging up the steps. 

Everything surrounding the jonin blurred, and Iruka could only see the broken man in front of him.

Their silence stretched into what felt like a lifetime, both too afraid to talk first. 

Suddenly, they heard movement inside the apartment next to Kakashi's, startling them both. It sounded like his neighbor was getting ready to leave.

Kakashi moved quickly then, taking out his keys. Iruka stepped back to let him open the door. He hesitated for a moment, but he steeled his shoulders and followed Kakashi in.

It almost felt like déjà vu — the rain, being in Kakashi's apartment. He even shut the door behind Iruka in the same quiet manner. But it wasn't really the same, because now the unspoken tension between them wasn't romantic, but bitterly painful.

Kakashi slipped off his shoes and awkwardly walked from behind Iruka to his living room. 

Iruka stood rooted to the spot as they heard the faint sound of the neighbor's door closing. 

Kakashi broke the silence first. 

"Uhm, are you cold? Do you want me to get you something dry to wear?" he asked feebly, his arms limp to his sides. 

Iruka ignored his question, staring fixedly at Kakashi. 

Silence fell again.

Iruka was thinking about the last time he was in this apartment, standing in the same spot with his clothes wet from the rain. Kakashi's embrace had been so comforting back then as he cried over the Third Hokage's death.

He couldn't believe how different it was now. Iruka's stony demeanor couldn't hide his torment. His eyes began to water. 

He whispered, "Why? Why did you do that to me?"

Kakashi didn't respond, only staring back at him with sunken eyes. 

"Why?" Iruka's voice grew louder. His tears began to fall in earnest.

Kakashi remained silent. He felt like his words were meaningless now.

Iruka was shaking with resentment, growing angry at Kakashi's silence. It had taken so much for him to come here, to decide to talk to the man in person, and he couldn't even explain himself? 

Iruka lost it. 

He screamed, "Say something!! Why?! Why did you do this?! WHY?! TELL ME WHY!!" 

Iruka stormed over to Kakashi with his shoes still on, and he began slamming his fists on Kakashi's chest. All he could say was, "WHY?!" as he slammed his fists over and over, each word punctuated with a pained sob.

Kakashi took every single hit. He accepted all of Iruka's anger, all his emotions packed in each punch. He wouldn't have moved even if Iruka tried to kill him.

After a while, Iruka's blows began losing their force, but he didn't stop banging on Kakashi's chest, wailing for him to answer. He was screaming and sobbing, one hand gripping Kakashi's vest while the other continued to punch. 

The only thing Kakashi could say was, "I'm sorry, Iruka. I'm so sorry." He said it over and over, apologizing with every hit he received. 

Iruka let go of Kakashi's vest and slumped onto the floor with tears streaming down his face, clutching his arms like he was literally trying to hold himself together. 

Kakashi thought his guilt was already maxed out, but when he saw the mess Iruka was on his floor, he realized how much damage he'd actually done. He would have gratefully taken a month of Itachi's Tsukuyomi torture over this.

He collapsed onto his knees, pressing his hands and forehead on the floor. He wasn't asking for forgiveness; he had no right to ask for forgiveness. But abasing himself was the only thing he could think to do since he couldn't reach out to hold the crumpled man in front of him.

They stayed like this until Iruka stopped crying. He looked over at Kakashi.

"Kakashi-s-san, lift your head," he sniffled, wiping his tears on his sleeve. "I didn't come here for an apology. I came here for an explanation." 

Kakashi sat up, but he remained on his knees with his head bowed.

"I don't think I deserve to explain myself to you, Iruka," he croaked. "What I did...it was inexcusable."

"I'm not trying to excuse you," Iruka snapped. "I just deserve to know. I deserve answers. We were fine even just that morning, so why?"

His anger couldn't hide the pang in his voice. They were both thinking about the kiss they shared in Iruka's apartment, how right it had felt. It was nothing like what happened later that night. 

Kakashi spoke in a muted tone. "After the mission...I was coming back home when the Sharingan started showing me images...of you. The times I saw you laughing...your hair blowing in the breeze...just you being alive and happy." He gulped. "They were interspersed with images of the moment Rin and Obito died."

Iruka hugged his knees and turned slightly away from Kakashi.

"I remember you telling me that I was the first person you wanted to see that night," Iruka recalled.

Kakashi nodded. "Yes, that was the truth. And it terrified me. It was like my Sharingan was telling me that if we continued as we were, I was going to lose you or hurt you like I did Rin and Obito."

Iruka was incredulous. "You hurt me anyway! You did exactly what you were scared of doing!"

"I know," Kakashi pleaded. "And this is so much worse than anything I've ever done, any pain I've ever felt. I assaulted and said terrible things to you. I thought making you hate me would be safer for you. But Iruka, it was killing me on the inside. I know that's no excuse, but it's true. It felt like I was ripping out my own heart."

It was just as the Hokage said, and what Iruka had already assumed. He changed direction, needing to know more. 

"If you were so scared to form a relationship with me, why did you _ever_ approach me to begin with?! All those dinners with Naruto, talking to me at the mission desk, the day of the Sandaime's funeral!" He pointed his finger accusingly at Kakashi. " _You_ were the one who told me that we can't keep ignoring our feelings. You encouraged me to fall for you! Did you do that on purpose? Just to humiliate me like this?"

"No!" Kakashi cried. "No. I just — I was weak, Iruka. Not you. Me. At first, I was just getting to know my students' former sensei since we didn't know each other outside of that one mission, though you left an impression on me then too."

Kakashi rubbed the back of his neck, clearly uncomfortable expressing his feelings.

"But then I did get to know you. You were so passionate and open with everyone, even me. I-I started feeling things that I didn't even know I had in me. And I admit, I was curious. I began making opportunities to see you and talk to you more. We could just be friends, I thought. If I kept my feelings to myself, there wouldn't be anything wrong with that." 

He looked imploringly at Iruka. "But then the Sandaime died. Being with you that day, seeing you love Naruto in the soft way you did...do you remember when he panicked after you told him that you won't always be around to take care of him?"

Iruka nodded, Naruto's voice ringing clear as day. 

_"Why? Are you going to leave me? You're not going to leave me, are you?"_

"I asked those same words to my father the day before he died," Kakashi said lifelessly. "He was all I had, and I was so scared." Pain shot through Kakashi's face. "He never answered me. He killed himself the next day. But you...you held Naruto and comforted him as if it was the most natural thing to you. Seeing that, I-I wanted it too. It was selfish, but I didn't expect anything to happen when you came here. I just wanted to be near you."

"But you —"

"I know," Kakashi interjected. "I went too far. I was in over my head. I experienced a glimpse of what it would be like to be with you, to tease you and hold you and be held by you. The second you left my apartment I knew I had made a mistake. I didn't avoid you for the next year just because I felt bad about looking at your memories. I avoided you to try and control my feelings, to try and forget about you."

Iruka was mentally parsing through everything Kakashi had said to him since that day. He didn't want to leave a single stone unturned.

He spoke slowly. "You told me after the bar that you didn't regret what you said that night..."

Kakashi sighed heavily. "Yes. I didn't. And maybe a part of me still doesn't. I knew it was a mistake to have told you, but I didn't regret it. I think I wanted you to know that I thought of you that way, even if nothing could happen."

"So why didn't you just keep ignoring me? You were doing it so well," Iruka pointed out, frowning at his knees.

"No, I wasn't," Kakashi refuted. "I was failing miserably, Iruka. I would keep track of when your shifts were at the mission desk to avoid you, but then I would go and watch you with your students, to see you before I left for missions. I did it every single time. When you passed by me on Friday, I had just come back from a solo mission to Kirigakure. It had been so long since I saw you; I wanted to be selfish again. Just a walk. That's all I wanted. But then you were at the bar, and it was like I was given an opportunity to try again. Instead of avoiding you for the rest of my life, I decided to be friendly, to be around you, but at a distance."

Iruka scoffed. "Well, that didn't work out how you wanted, did it."

Kakashi shook his head. "No, it didn't. I made the same mistake I did a year ago, thinking it would be enough. All it took was you saying that you missed me, and I was already overstepping my boundaries. It's so easy for me to let my guard down with you, to want to see you laugh and blush. I was too excited to see you again afterward, and I foolishly let myself."

Iruka held his knees closer, hiding his pink face. Despite it all, hearing Kakashi confess like this — Iruka couldn't help but react. 

"Then...Saturday?" Iruka asked warily. 

Kakashi cast his head down again. 

"It wasn't a coincidence that you saw me at the training ground," he lamented. "I went with the excuse that I needed to give you your hitae-ate back, but really I wanted the chance to spend the day with you, just us, for the first time. But I never thought that we would end up as we did. I don't even talk about Rin and Obito to Guy, yet I was opening up about everything with you. When you reached out to comfort me...I knew it was a lost cause then. And I gave in. I let myself be overcome with my need for you, thinking I'd deal with the consequences later."

He began pleading to Iruka, desperate for him to understand. 

"And I did. My Sharingan reminded me that anytime I start caring about someone, that person tends to get hurt. But I was so selfish, Iruka. I was in pain, and I went up to your apartment against my better judgment. There I was, a blood-soaked monster while you stood so pure. I hated you at that moment because I hated myself. I knew you were scared, but you still tried to take care of me. It killed me to see that. I didn't want to take advantage of your kindness anymore. The only way I thought I could protect you from me was to make you not want anything to do with me, and I caused you so much pain. I'm so sorry, Iruka. I'm so sorry."

His voice cracked at the end, and he was staring down at the floor with his hands on his knees. He looked like a man who had lost everything.

Iruka stood up and Kakashi followed his hard gaze, looking up at the scarred chunin above him. 

"You never took advantage of my kindness," Iruka corrected. "I was kind to you because I wanted to be. I liked you so much, Kakashi. All I wanted was to be with you. But I don't think I can forgive you right now. I don't know if I ever can."

Kakashi felt like his inside was in tatters. It was the first time Iruka called him by just his name — something he had dreamed about for ages — and it was marred by his own doing. 

Another thing on the list of his immense failures, he thought. 

Iruka wasn't done. He wanted to say everything before he left, to leave it all on the table. 

"And you're wrong, Kakashi. It wasn't better for me to not have you in my life, and I still think that even after everything that's happened. Sometimes I wonder if it was inevitable that we were brought together through Naruto. I don't even think I hate you for what you did. I'm just so sad that this is where we are now."

He turned to leave, his hand on the knob.

Iruka kept his eyes firmly on the door as he said, "A year ago, you told me that you were willing to wait as long as it takes for me to come to you. Did you mean that?"

"Yes," Kakashi whispered, staring sorrowfully at his back.

Iruka nodded once. "Then I guess we'll find out."

He opened the door and walked back out in the rain, leaving Kakashi on his knees, watching his heart go with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Iruka and Kakashi laid everything out on the line. Even though their future is still a big question mark, they now have some time to reflect on it all. What's going to happen during that period?


	12. The Anniversary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Iruka and Kakashi do some soul searching and get some much-needed healing during their time apart.

Steam rose in slow, lazy swirls from the surface of the mineral-rich water. A dense moisture layer rested above the secluded hot spring. The area was rich with the smell of sulfur, its distinctive scent like aromatherapy as it diffused into the fresh, invigorating mountain air. 

Iruka loved the smell of hot springs. It soothed him down to the cells in his body, and he could feel his chakra stabilize and run like a smooth current as he lowered himself chin deep into the steaming hot water. 

Izumo and Kotetsu often made fun of him for how much he enjoys being in the water, saying that he truly lives up to his dolphin name. The three of them would occasionally go together to the local facility, but neither of them appreciated hot springs as much as Iruka. 

"It smells like eggs," they would complain, crinkling their noses up in distaste. 

But even they would love the smell if it came from here, he thought. It was less a hot spring and more a luxurious resort, located high above the Fire Country mountains where the air was noticeably cleaner and the trees were lush with various shades of green. 

It was the nicest, most expensive place he'd ever stepped into. Every guest had their own private bath and hot spring overlooking the mountains. His suite had an ocean view and his spring was right outside his room, so all he had to do was slide open the glass doors and step out. 

Iruka closed his eyes and let himself sink into the warmth. He rested his head on the cool stone behind him and listened to the gently swaying leaves as the water massaged his muscles with every warm ebb and flow. It was part of his new routine, to take a soak as he watched the sunrise.

He liked the way the ocean shimmered and glistened in front of the morning light. Time seemed to stand still in those moments, even though the soft hues from the sun signaled another day. And those days had moved so quickly, blurring together more with time. He could hardly believe that a week had passed since he left the village. 

After speaking with Kakashi, he went back to his place to pack his things for the trip. He had to wait until late afternoon for the rain to stop, so by the time he arrived at the hot springs it was already nighttime. The concierge watched him walk up with muddy feet to the front desk with her eyebrows raised, making a clear judgment that someone like him was not allowed at this hot spring. She was poised to tell him that it was reserved for members only when he handed her the pass the Hokage gave him. 

It must have been a top-level pass because the young woman's face immediately changed, putting on the accommodating and gracious expression that service workers tend to use exclusively for the rich. She called for the manager who showed up two seconds later to personally escort him to the highest floor, insisting on carrying his stuff for him even though it was just his backpack. 

Iruka felt a little intimidated at first, not used to the level of extravagance the resort offered. He spent the first night curled up on his futon, tired from the emotional morning and a bit overwhelmed.

But he was ready to explore once the day rolled around, thinking that he might as well make the most of the two weeks since this was probably the only time he was ever going to get a chance at a place like this. He developed a nice rhythm to his days, going out to train nearby early in the morning before his soak, then heading to the all-inclusive buffet for breakfast, reserved only for those who had the same VIP pass. 

He became friendly with the concierge who was actually quite nice, always asking him to tell her more stories about his students. Her father owned the resort, and she was working as the concierge to learn the ins and outs of the business so she could eventually take over. She reminded him of Naruto a little bit with her loud, unassuming attitude. She and Iruka were similar in age, and they quickly got on a first-name basis as they spent nearly every night at the bar having a drink together once her shift ended. 

One day she asked him why he came alone. "Usually top-tier guests always have a posse with them, you know? I thought you were lost or something when I saw you," she commented, trying to dig out the maraschino cherry on the bottom of her empty glass with her long plastic nail. 

Iruka shrugged, not wanting to get into the details of how he ended up here alone. "It just happened that way," he mumbled. 

She cocked her head to the side and asked bluntly, "Is it because of a woman?" 

He snorted into his beer. "No," he coughed, the carbonation from the drink stuck in his throat.

"Then is it because of a man?" she asked in the same matter of fact tone, smacking his back to help him clear his airway. 

Iruka's face was flushed, both from coughing and her forwardness. His silence was answer enough, and she nodded in understanding. 

"Yeah, I know what that's like." She continued as if Iruka had spoken. "I just got my heart broken by my boyfriend of three years. He cheated on me, and I had to find out by walking into them rolling around in my own bed."

"Wow. I'm sorry, Katsumi. That really sucks," he said, looking at her sympathetically. She shrugged back, as if to say it is what it is. Iruka ran his thumb over the condensation on his bottle. "I guess...you can say that I got my heart broken too."

She clapped her hand on his shoulder in a friendly, reassuring way. "You're a good guy, Iruka. You'll find someone else."

He chewed on his lip and frowned, not meeting her gaze. 

"What? What's wrong?" Katsumi grilled, unsatisfied with his reaction. 

Iruka hadn't intended to talk about Kakashi during his time off. He didn't even want to think about Kakashi. And he would have been fine if it weren't for the fact that all he did _was_ think about Kakashi and was dying to talk to someone about him.

He put his beer down. "What if...what if I don't want to find someone else?" he asked delicately. "Is it bad that I still have feelings for him even though he hurt me?"

Katsumi defiantly shook her head. "No. Of course it's not bad. Our feelings are our feelings! We don't have to justify them. I can't help that I still want to make out with my ex even though I hate his guts. And you can't help still being in love with yours." 

Iruka turned his head so quickly that he pulled a muscle. "Ahh — !" he groaned, massaging the crick in his neck. "L-Love?! I didn't say I was in love. I never said love. And Kakashi's not my ex." 

She knitted her brows in confusion. "Hold up." She lifted her hand to signal a halt. "Let me get this straight. You came all the way from Konoha to get over a man who broke your heart...but you guys never dated? How does that work?"

"It —" Iruka sighed. "It's a long story. We were kind of in this weird...impasse for a while. We were both trying to ignore our feelings for a long time. But over the last week, things bubbled over and it all basically fell apart." 

Katsumi signaled the bartender for another round. "Do you want to talk about what happened?" 

"No, it's OK," Iruka said quietly. "Before I came here I talked to him about it all to get some closure."

The bartender, an old cranky senior with permanent frown lines between his eyebrows, put their drinks down on the table with a low grunt. 

"Thank you," Iruka smiled. The older gentleman gave another grunt with a curt nod before he walked away to clean the dirty martini glasses with a rag that had seen better days. 

"That means he likes you," Katsumi said, pointing at the bartender. "Fudo-ojisan never talks to anyone who comes here."

"That was him talking?" Iruka asked, looking skeptically at his new friend. Katsumi nodded emphatically. 

"Oh yeah, I've never seen him nod or grunt at anyone before. That means you're practically family. But everyone here loves you. You're so much nicer than our usual clientele. Rich people are always so arrogant. I mean, I know technically I'm rich too since my dad owns the place, but after working here I realized how much they all suck. But you treat us well, so we're all happy you're here." 

Iruka saw the bartender had added extra lime wedges in his beer. He scratched his nose and smiled humbly. It felt nice to hear the compliments, but it felt better knowing that he was a welcome guest. 

Katsumi squinted as she scooted toward him, stopping an inch from his face. Strands of her short, curly tomato-red hair tickled Iruka's face. She was peering at him like she was trying to search out his soul. 

Iruka stared back nervously, angling his back to put some space between them. "Uhh...what are you doing?" he inquired.

"Looking into your eyes." 

She said it as if she was commenting on the weather.

"And...why?" 

After a few more seconds, she pursed her lips and nodded like she got the confirmation she needed. "Because I can always tell when someone is in love by looking at their eyes. And you, my friend, are in love. The kind of love that makes you _want_ to get your heart broken because it's _that_ good." 

His ears matched the shade of her hair. "No, I'm not." 

She shrugged again, looking at him like she didn't believe him in the slightest. "Say what you want, Iruka. But I know. And I think you do too." She took a sip of her drink. "So, did you get it?" 

Iruka was still flustered over her love comment. "Get what?" 

"Closure! You said you talked to this guy to get some closure before you came here. So did you? Do you feel closed now?"

He hesitated. "Well...it's not really something I can just easily forget about. But I'm not angry anymore. I even forget about the sadness at times. I'm mainly just kind of...lost. Like I don't really know what to do with myself. I mean, I'm pining over a guy I never really had, and whatever was starting between us crashed and burned into a giant heap of shit." Iruka gulped his beer. "And what does that say about me? Am I so pathetic that I can't get over someone I never even dated?"

Katsumi shook her head, speaking uncharacteristically softly. "It says that you're a man in love, Iruka. That doesn't make you pathetic. It makes you human."

That night, he thought about what she said as he stared up at the ornate ceiling from his futon, the gold tiling shining through even in the dark. 

All this time he had never considered if he was in love. Sure, he had feelings for Kakashi. They already acknowledged that during their conversation. He even told Kakashi that all he had wanted was to be with him. But love? Love is so strong, so absolute. He knew very well how powerful love is, because his love for his parents, for Naruto, and his village was what kept him going all this time. It was an unwavering force in his life. 

But he had never experienced a romantic love with anyone before. Even with his past relationships, he never even got close to feeling love. They were relationships of convenience, and he always guarded his emotions closely. 

If he was in love, that meant he had fallen deeper than he thought. A part of him knew that Katsumi was right, but the idea of him being in love with Kakashi was terrifying. He tried to picture himself with another man, holding hands with someone whose face was a blur. 

It felt wrong. He tried harder, closing his eyes tightly to think what it would be like to feel someone else's warmth beside him, to feel their lips on his. But the more he thought about it, the more the blurry face morphed into Kakashi's. 

It was Kakashi's shoulder brushing his as they laugh intimately at the bar. It was Kakashi sleeping peacefully next to him on the futon. And it was Kakashi looking contentedly out at the view, his strong, sinewy pale arm wrapped lovingly around Iruka's shoulders as they press their body heat underneath the steaming water. 

"Ugh," Iruka groaned, flopping onto his stomach. He smushed his face into his pillow in annoyance. 

Kakashi wasn't going anywhere from his head or, more frustratingly, his heart.

Nonetheless, getting away from Konoha and being at the hot springs did a world of good for Iruka. The water soothed his aches, and all traces of that night disappeared. The mountain air was good for his lungs, and he spent a lot of time meditating, something he hadn't done in years. 

When he wasn't training he took a lot of hikes, spending hours out in nature, listening to little scurries and rustles, watching the dazzling orange sun go down as he stood on top of the tallest pine tree that overlooks the entire area. To his left was the ocean and to his right, all the way down the forest mountain, was Konoha. 

Sometimes he stayed until it was dark, his village's twinkling lights looking tiny from his distance. He could see the faint shadow of the Hokage Monument in the back. Even far away, the Third Hokage always seemed to be watching. 

Iruka opened his eyes and sat up straight, the movement creating ripples in the water. He had been so preoccupied with his roaming thoughts that he had almost forgotten: today was the anniversary of the Third Hokage's death.

Proof that time, in fact, does not stand still. A year had already passed since that fateful day, the day that affected Iruka's life in more ways than one. He wished, now more than ever, to be able to talk to the white-bearded old man, to ask him what he thinks he should do. But Iruka knew the Third Hokage was never one to give him advice.

"Iruka, you're seeking an answer from me that you already have within yourself," Hiruzen would always say while reading his scroll, tobacco smoke rising from the worn-out pipe between his teeth. 

He was usually right; Iruka always managed to find the answers on his own. There was only one time when he was truly lost, and it was when he almost gave up on teaching Naruto. 

It was Kakashi who had helped him then. That was years before Kakashi became Naruto's genin teacher, and before he and Iruka even really knew each other. But suddenly he was there, telling him that he would be willing to hear him out. And he said exactly what he needed to hear, exactly when he needed to hear it.

Iruka sighed. Ever since then, Kakashi always seemed to somehow show up when he needed him most. He looked up at the pale-blue morning sky as he spoke aloud. "Did you know, old-man? Did you know what was going to happen then? Did you know my heart before I did?"

\--

Kakashi placed the last box on the floor, grunting slightly as he bent back up, eyes looking cautiously around the dusty, unused room. He was, to say the least, ambivalent about being back in his family home after he had vowed to never again step foot in the place where he found his father dead. 

The Hatake compound had existed in Konoha for multiple generations, and as the last remaining Hatake, Kakashi was the sole heir of the estate. He used to love his home, running around as a child with his puppy ninken, training with his father on the spacious grounds. But after his father's death, Kakashi was never able to properly rest in his home again, the large, empty rooms only serving to mirror the loneliness inside of him. 

So once he became a jonin he moved and never looked back, preferring the tiny apartment to the ghosts of his past. But he didn't know how to explain to people why he never sold the estate and the land, even though he had received many generous offers from rich developers over the years. He didn't want to admit that a part of him was still attached to his childhood home, that if it disappeared it meant that his family was truly gone. 

He could, however, explain why he decided to move back, and it was entirely because of a certain Academy teacher.

After Iruka left, Kakashi didn't leave his apartment once, not even to train. He did exactly what Tsunade said to do, which was to use that time to think about her words. It was the first time he had ever sat alone with his thoughts for that long without any distractions. He didn't even pick up a book. He hardly ate. All he did was pace and think or sit and think or lie down and think. 

One day he would look at things from an emotionless point of view, pacing back and forth in his living room as he broke down everything in a pros and cons list. Another day he would do nothing but lie in bed and think about Iruka. Then he spent three days thinking about every single thing he ever did in his life, and all the decisions he made that led to this moment. 

Six days later, he came to his conclusion: Tsunade was right — he'd been wasting his life. 

He didn't understand at first when she said that he and Iruka would lose more than their lives if he pushed Iruka away. What more is there than being alive? If staying away from Iruka could ensure his life, isn't it a good thing?

Then, late last night, it all clicked into place. He was lying in bed holding up his framed picture of Team Minato when he remembered a conversation he had with his sensei. It was the day he found out Kushina was pregnant.

Kakashi had felt a stir in his heart he didn't know he could still feel, attributing it to what could only be happiness. But he didn't know how to express that, so he lamely replied, "Congratulations."

Minato, understanding Kakashi's feelings even without words, smiled and said, "Thanks, Kakashi. We're both very happy. I'm relying on you to take care of Naruto as he grows up. Kushina has a feeling he'll be a handful."

"Naruto..." Kakashi mouthed the unique name, still in awe that his sensei was going to have a kid. Rin and Obito would have loved to be here, he thought. They would have responded much more excitedly than he did. He would have to go to the memorial stone and tell them as soon as he was dismissed. 

Minato could see that Kakashi was thinking about his lost teammates. "I'm excited to see you create your own family one day, Kakashi," he said softly, looking at him from his desk. 

That stirred Kakashi out of his thoughts. "My own family?" he repeated in confusion.

Minato nodded, smiling gently. "Yes, in the future. Don't you eventually want to settle down too? With someone who loves you and you love back?"

Kakashi's teenage brain could not comprehend the meaning of settling down, let alone the idea that someone could love him or that he could love someone the way Kushina and Minato love each other. He always felt like they were an anomaly, a childhood miracle. In the shinobi world, love tends to be nothing but a disadvantage, a weakness that enemies can exploit. 

Besides, everyone he ever started to love or care about died. It would be dangerous and irresponsible of him to try and love someone. He said as much to Minato who disagreed. 

"No, Kakashi. Love is what gives us strength; it's what bonds us and keeps us going. It's the reason why we endure, why we live. Isn't it your love for this village that motivates you to be the shinobi you are?"

"I'm the shinobi I am because I'm loyal to Konoha and I need to give my life to protect the village that Rin and Obito died for," Kakashi said in a monotone voice. "I'm not like you, Minato-sensei. I didn't meet the love of my life as a child. I was already a weapon of war at that age. And I'm not going to subject another person to harm because I made the mistake of letting them care about me."

Minato was worried. He couldn't help but doubt whether it was a good idea to have Kakashi work as an Anbu. He assigned Kakashi to the organization so he could keep him close, to teach and groom him to be the next Hokage, but he seemed to be falling further into his darkness rather than moving forward. 

"You know, Kakashi, life is more than just being alive or protecting your village, even for shinobi. Some would say that you're not even really alive unless you love."

Kakashi frowned at the notion. "You're alive when you're alive; the only thing I know as fact is that I'm alive and Rin and Obito aren't." 

Minato, seeing that it wasn't going to be easy for Kakashi to change his mindset, requested that he work as Kushina's Anbu guard throughout the duration of her pregnancy. At the time, Kakashi assumed he had been given the mission because it was classified information that Kushina's seal was weakening and he was one of the only few who knew. 

But now he wondered if his sensei had given him the mission in hopes that seeing him and Kushina together would change his mind about love, maybe even create a desire to want the same. He looked at his sensei's smiling face in the photo. How disappointed he would be to see Kakashi now.

He felt so stupid. All these years of being called a genius, yet it took two generations of Hokages for him to understand the simple concept: life is not worth living without love. 

His entire team lived and died for it, and here he was, doing all he can to reject it. He had been deluding himself, thinking that he was living life the right way since he had accepted his father's decision to choose his comrades over his mission. That living his life under the same philosophy was enough of a life. 

And it wasn't. He hadn't really been living at all. Sure, he found new comrades, and his Team 7 was precious to him, but he had still closed himself off from love, the kind of all-encompassing love that strips someone bare and leaves them exposed. That is, until Iruka came along. 

Iruka was the first person who made him want to risk it all, to risk getting hurt for something bigger than himself, bigger than Konoha. Iruka was the first person that made him even consider the possibility of having what his sensei had, what Obito had been chasing for the majority of his too-short life. And Iruka was the only person he wanted to have it with. 

Kakashi finally understood how wrong he had been. He had forgotten that his Sharingan was a gift born out of love and connection, not fear and guilt. He had been so busy trying to honor his friends' deaths that he had ignored the way they lived when they were alive. 

He sat up on the bed, his heart racing. He knew what he had to do. 

Two minutes later he burst into the Hokage's office, waking up Tsunade who had fallen asleep at her desk using a book as a pillow. A sheet of paper was stuck to her cheek with her drool. 

"Eh?! Who's there?!" she yelled menacingly, peeling the paper off her face. Her sleepy eyes focused on him. "Kakashi? How'd you get in here? You're supposed to be on house arrest!"

Waking up the Fifth Hokage was in the top three of the long list of things that made her cranky, and she was notorious for throwing or punching things whenever she's cranky. Kakashi had no desire to be that thing she threw or punched tonight, so he stayed near the door. 

"Sorry, Tsunade-sama. I know I'm breaking the rules, but this is important. Tenzo let me in."

Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, she grumbled, "What's the point of having Anbu if they're just going to let anyone in willy nilly." She sat back on her chair, nodding at him to speak.

"I want to move back to my old house."

Silence. 

Tsunade blinked.

She spoke slowly. "...That...was what was so important that you broke house arrest and woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me? That you want to move?"

He could feel her killing intent oozing out, and he lifted up his hands in surrender to try and placate her. 

"No! Well, yes. But there's more," Kakashi said. "See, I spent the last six days doing nothing but think about what you said at the hospital, about me wasting my life. You weren't even the first Hokage to tell me that; I just never cared to understand. But I don't want to waste any more time."

Her killing intent evaporated. She cupped her hands together and looked thoughtfully at him.

"Mmm, I see. Well, I'm glad to hear that you used this time wisely. But how exactly does moving tie into all this?"

"I left that house because it was the place where I lost my father, and I've been running from that feeling ever since. But I don't want to run from my past anymore. I want to be someone that Iruka can trust again, and I can't do that if I keep avoiding any semblance of happiness because of my fear that I'll lose it. That I'll lose him."

Kakashi was on a roll now, unable to stop his train of thought. "And moving back is just the first step. I decided that I'm not going to try and avoid my feelings anymore. I'm _never_ going to let my pain hurt Iruka again. I love him, and I'm going to make sure he knows it."

Kakashi was nearly breathless, exhilarated at the rush of all these new feelings. It was the first time he had said those words or felt this strongly about anything. 

"And if Iruka-sensei refuses?"

"Even if Iruka never wants anything to do with me, I'm still going to change. If I'm going to continue as a Konoha shinobi and even be the Sixth Hokage one day, I need to be someone Iruka will approve of. And I'm going to be."

Tsunade had a subtle twinkle in her eyes, her smile hidden behind her hands as she nodded. "I like the sound of this, Kakashi. I never in a million years thought I would hear you say that you love someone. You certainly have my permission to use this time to move if you feel like that's what you need to do. And I'll support you however I can as your Hokage."

"Thank you, Hokage-sama," he said gratefully, bowing his head. "But please just continue supporting Iruka. Konoha needs him more than it needs me."

She rolled her eyes. "You think I don't know that already, brat? Iruka will be OK. He'll need time, though. You'll have to be patient, and even then it's not guaranteed that he'll go to you."

Kakashi nodded. "I know. He said as much to me before he left. But I don't care if he never does. I just want him to be happy, no matter what form that takes. If he wants me to stay away, I will. If he wants me around, I'll do that too."

Satisfied with his response, Tsunade let him go. He spent the rest of the night packing his things and using his clones to help him move everything into his old estate. He had such meager belongings that it had only taken him a few hours to empty out his apartment. 

The sun was rising as he put down the last box and turned to look out at the grounds. One of the sun rays hit in just a way that perfectly illuminated the Third Hokage's stone face. 

That's right, he thought. It was the anniversary of the Third's death.

He wondered what Iruka was doing, if he was thinking about him too. Kakashi looked up at the sky and sent out a silent prayer. "Sandaime, you knew that I would fall in love with Iruka, didn't you? Is that why you asked me to talk to him that day? Were you hoping for it?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that Iruka and Kakashi finally understand how deep their feelings are, it'll be interesting to see their dynamic once they meet again. But their love, especially Kakashi's, may be put to a painful test sooner than they realize.


	13. The Resurrection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The battle that caused Kakashi so much grief is not over yet. In fact, it's only just begun.

Sharp footsteps echoed through the barren halls, the clickety-clacking vibrating against sturdy metal that encased the entire structure. 

It was completely dark except for a single torch attached to the wall at the end of the tight hallway. There was a wide, metal-plated door beside it that had no handle or lock. 

The owner of the footsteps stopped in front of it, unconcerned at the lack of opening. He adjusted the bridge of his circular glasses before he pressed his right hand on the center of the door, blue chakra emanating from his palm. The door's edges glowed the same blue before it slid open, revealing an equally poorly lit room decorated with wires and tubes. 

"Orochimaru-sama, we found him."

Kabuto walked towards the surgical table that Orochimaru stood beside, the dim overhead light creating ominous shadows on the walls behind him. 

"Good. It seems luck is on our side,” Orochimaru slithered. “I didn't think it'd be so easy to get the Academy teacher in our hands. The Sandaime certainly did a good job of keeping him sheltered in the village when he was alive."

"Why do you need him anyway? He has no discernible skill or chakra we can use for our research," Kabuto asked, his tone sour.

Orochimaru smirked. "Kabuto, you think too superficially. The sensei holds some of the biggest power in Konoha, and it has nothing to do with his skill as a shinobi.” 

He glided to the center of the room where there was a single throne-like chair made of stone. His glasses-wearing assistant quickly followed, kneeling on bended knee as his master sat down. 

"Your ignorance will be your downfall if you keep limiting your mind," Orochimaru went on. "Seeking immortality requires knowledge of the mortal experience. And there is nothing more mortal, more human than our greatest collective weakness: love."

"Love?" 

"Yes. It's a silly concept that unevolved humans believe is necessary for life,” Orochimaru hissed. “My pathetic teacher constantly touted the importance of it in his many lectures about the Will of Fire. And now he's rotting in the ground while I will become more superior than ever in my new body.” 

His snake-like eyes gleamed like shiny beads in the dark, and Kabuto stared upon his master with an unhealthy adoration. 

"You will be glorious, Orochimaru-sama. But...what does the Academy teacher have to do with this?"

Orochimaru's face twisted up into an evil grin. "He has _everything_ to do with it. You see, I happened to get some valuable information about our dear sensei from one of our Konoha experiments before he was captured. It was really the only useful thing that worthless man had for me."

"What was it?" Kabuto breathed, listening with rapt attention.

"Umino Iruka was the Jinchūriki's Academy teacher. Apparently, he saved the Jinchūriki from my experiment, and now they have an unbreakable bond connected through _love_ ,” Orochimaru taunted. “I wonder the kind of devastation that would occur if something were to happen to Konoha's most precious sensei."

Kabuto smiled wickedly, reveling in the idea of utilizing psychological warfare to cause destruction. "I only observed him briefly during the Chunin exams. Back then I had deemed him a lowly pencil-pusher, so I didn't give him much thought. I should have paid more attention.” 

He paused. "But I still don't know why you need him. I thought we weren't ready to go after the Kyuubi again?"

Orochimaru nodded. "For now. As long as the Kyuubi remains under Jiraiya's protection, we can't touch it. But the Jinchūriki isn't the only person Iruka-sensei has spread his endearing love to."

"What do you mean?" Kabuto probed.

"It seems our silver-haired friend has fallen in love with the sensei," Orochimaru said as he chuckled sinisterly. 

Kabuto lifted an eyebrow in surprise. "Hatake? How do you know that?"

"After he left my most recent experiment in the woods, I had a spy snake tail him. I was surprised Kakashi didn't notice it. Something must have distracted him. It heard him say he was going to Iruka-sensei instead of the hospital that night." 

"That hardly signifies love, Orochimaru-sama," Kabuto pointed out.

The snake-tongued Sannin looked down at his servant. 

"You don't know Kakashi very well, Kabuto," he sneered. "If you did, you would know that him deciding to go to someone immediately after a tough mission is unheard of. He didn't get the name "cold-blooded" for nothing. If Kakashi sought out Iruka-sensei, there can only be one reason."

Kabuto frowned as he tried to piece it all together. "So, you want the chunin teacher because of Kakashi?"

Orochimaru slowly turned to face the surgical table, and the shadows camouflaged his sallow complexion. "Yes, I'd like to thank him for what he did. I want him to know that because of his actions, my experiment is now stronger than ever. And I can’t think of a better way to get his attention.” 

Kabuto walked over and lifted up the white sheet. The missing-nin from Konoha was unconscious and strapped tightly to the gurney. The hole in his chest was gone, patched up with something that looked suspiciously like snakeskin. 

"Kakashi thinks he killed him, right?"

Orochimaru stared smugly at his creation. "He and Tsunade have no idea that my experiments can't be killed with such regular means. But they’ll find out soon enough." 

"Are you going to use the experiment to kill the Academy teacher?"

The Sannin closed his eyes as if he was meditating. "No. At least, not right away. He will need to be killed, but I want to give my creation a chance to test out his new body first, and Kakashi is the perfect opponent for him." His expression darkened as he slowly reopened his slitted eyes. "Twice I've spared the jonin, letting him go free when I could have easily killed him. But no more. He's become too much of a threat to me and my plans. And now that I have the perfect leverage against him, it's time to strike."

Kabuto used his middle finger to lift up his glasses again, breathing heavily in anticipation of his master's plan. "You're a genius, Orochimaru-sama. Getting rid of them both will break the Jinchūriki and Konoha's spirit. It should be easy to get a hold of the Kyuubi then. Would you like me to bring the chunin teacher to you now?" 

Orochimaru shook his head, his long, oily, jet-black hair hooding his face. "No. The experiment will fetch him for me when he's ready. You're going to send a letter to my old friend once the plan is in motion."

"Won't she know what we're doing and send someone else for the teacher?" 

Orochimaru grinned evilly at his ashy-haired servant. 

"You still don't understand, Kabuto? Kakashi will come for Iruka, I can guarantee it," he jeered. "It's what love does to humans. It poisons them, making them weak, forcing even the strongest and smartest of them to defy all logic. It's a fitting end for Kakashi." 

Orochimaru began cackling wildly, his long snake tongue slithering out of his mouth. He looked completely deranged as his maniacal voice rang throughout the forbidding chamber.

"I'm going to break Konoha's Will of Fire once and for all."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi and Iruka have no idea what will soon come into play. Will they be ready? 
> 
> \--  
> Author's note: I had this written for weeks; my original intention was to write Kakashi's and Iruka's scenes in the same chapter, but I decided to leave it as a stand-alone (mainly because I was too excited to share, but I also think it deserves its own space). It's a very short transitional chapter, but I hope it gets you excited for more! Thank you for reading along with my sporadic updates and I so, so appreciate every comment/kudos/bookmark/subscription/love you show. It really helps and is so encouraging. Thank you. xoxo


	14. The Resolve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi receives news that could shatter his entire world.

Kakashi had felt restless all day.

It was like something ugly had slithered deep into the caveats of his soul, making every bone in his body feel uneasy. Multiple times throughout the day he stopped what he was doing, his hand stilling on his kunai as he listened for any sign of an outside threat that might be looming near. He even summoned Pakkun to scope the entire town for any suspicious activity.

But there was nothing. 

No sign of a threat, person or otherwise, anywhere within his 500-yard radius. The day was like any other day this week, with people walking past his gate talking animatedly with each other or hustling and bustling on their way to work — no one showed any indication that something was off. 

And yet, it was.

He couldn't shake the lingering dread that something terrible had happened. It was similar to the dark, insidious aura he had felt before last year's attack on Konoha, but this time it somehow felt more...personal. 

As if an evil snake had wrapped itself around his heart.

By the time it was dark out, his insides were coiled into a tense mess, and he thought he was going to suffocate if he didn't get some answers.

Kakashi didn’t even bother putting on his vest or gloves before he flickered into Tsunade’s office. He expected her to ring him out for barging in unannounced again, but instead he was met with a startled Shizune who immediately stopped talking when he arrived and a Hokage who didn’t look at all surprised that he had come. 

Her expression was grim and he could see from the strain in the outer corner of her eyes that she was extremely stressed, confirming his suspicion that something was wrong. 

He looked down and saw a letter in her hand. 

It made him think of Naruto and his heart constricted, seizing with worry that something had happened to his student.

“Naruto…?”

Tsunade silently shook her head. 

Kakashi would have felt relief, but something in the Hokage’s expression didn't allow him to relax. She looked graver than he had ever seen, and from Shizune’s nervous reaction to him being in the room, he knew that whatever was on that letter had to do with him. 

He took a step forward, ignoring Shizune's eyes darting towards the Hokage who stared solemnly back at Kakashi. 

At first, he couldn’t understand why she was so quiet — nervous, almost. 

Tsunade wasn’t the type to try and water down bad news for him. He knew because the last time someone threatened his life, she looked half as concerned as she did now, even giving him another mission to complete after he dealt with the problem. So if someone was threatening him again she would have come right out and said so. 

But then she broke eye contact — her eyes guiltily flickering down at the letter — and he instantly understood.

They weren't acting this way because they were worried for him, they were acting this way because they were worried about how he would react, and the only reason why they would be worried about how he would react is if someone else was in danger because of him.

And the only person who could be used as leverage against him, who wasn’t currently safely within Konoha's walls, is Iruka. 

His step faltered back as he stared wide-eyed in horror, his breath cutting like sharp, jagged glass as every muscle in his body tightened in shock. The room started spinning as if he had overused his Sharingan, and he thought he might hurl from the pain stabbing his chest. 

His ears were filling with static, and Kakashi was unable to hear the Hokage telling Shizune to catch him before he fell, numb to Shizune's arms trying to stabilize him.

It was his worst fear come alive, and suddenly all his shinobi training, everything he had carefully cultivated over the years, was threatening to be lost to the terror that overtook his entire body.

All he could see was the face of the person he had failed once again. 

"...Iruka?" he choked out, closing his eyes, desperately praying he was wrong.

The Hokage didn’t respond, and that was response enough. 

But before Kakashi would allow himself to fall apart, he needed to know for sure. He needed to hear that it was too late before he could truly succumb to the pain.

His voice shook as he asked, "Is...is he...?" 

"No, he's not dead," Tsunade finally spoke, placing the letter down on her desk. "Orochimaru has him. We don't know where. Apparently, the missing-nin we thought you had killed is still alive, and Orochimaru has sent him after Iruka."

Kakashi couldn't believe it.

"But I felt his heart die in my hand," he said imploringly. "I made sure that he was dead. You even brought his body back. How could he be alive?"

Tsunade looked like she had aged years as she answered bitterly, "It seems Orochimaru has progressed further than I thought with his search for immortality. I underestimated him. The body we recovered at the scene is most likely a dummy. Orochimaru must have taken the real one back before we arrived."

Kakashi could feel his resolve nearing closer and closer to its breaking point. Not only did he completely fail the mission, but now Iruka was paying for the consequences of his failure.

"But why would he take Iruka?" he asked in distress. 

The women exchanged a troubled glance before responding carefully. 

"Apparently, he knew it was the most effective way for him to get your attention. He claims that he needs you to come test out the missing-nin's new form for him," the Hokage said regretfully, sliding the letter toward Kakashi. 

His hand trembled as he grabbed it, the words blurring in his rage. 

It all clicked for him now, the dread he had been feeling all day. Kakashi was very familiar with the dangerous threat Orochimaru posed, having been on the receiving end of his killing intent twice already in his life. 

But Orochimaru took it too far, kidnapping Iruka to get to him as if it was just a game.

Kakashi's entire body was shaking with fury. Hot, white electricity sparked out of the hand that was gripping the letter, tearing it to unreadable shreds that drifted like ash onto the floor.

He heard everything he needed to know. 

Now it was time to act.

Kakashi started walking out of the room when the Hokage said, "Hold it."

She stood up from her seat, frowning at the Jounin. "Where do you think you're going?"

Kakashi didn't bother to stop as he answered curtly. "To find Iruka."

He would have continued to walk right out the door if Shizune didn't block his exit. He huffed angrily, wheeling around to the Hokage. "Why are you stopping me? We have to save Iruka before it's too late!"

"And we will," Tsunade responded fiercely, pointing her finger at him. "But you can't be the one to do it. Orochimaru is clearly baiting you so he could trap you somehow and kill you both. He's probably doing this because he knows about your guys' relationship to Naruto. As your Hokage, I cannot allow that risk.” 

She was using her full authority over him, making no room for anything but compliance. 

“Besides,” she continued, “You’re too close to the situation. Your feelings for Iruka will prevent you from thinking rationally as you fight, and you'll end up doing something stupid in order to protect him."

Kakashi narrowed his eyes, his clenched fists crackling with angry chakra as he seethed through his teeth, "I'm the _only_ one who can do it. I don't give a shit if it's a trap. I'm going."

Tsunade narrowed her eyes too, crossing her arms over her hefty chest. "You do not have my permission to leave the village, you understand me? You need to stand down, Hatake. That's an order from your Hokage."

They stood glaring daggers at each other, neither of them blinking. The hostile tension permeating the room was so prevalent, a masked Anbu guard suddenly appeared next to Tsunade's side. 

It was Tenzo, who addressed the Jounin in a slow, cautious voice. "Kakashi-senpai, please calm yourself. The Hokage is right, you're too close to the situation. We'll —"

"No, Tenzo," Kakashi interrupted firmly. "You know I'm going, and you know exactly why. I won't let another person I love die because of me. I _can't_ let that happen. Not to Iruka. So you'll have to kill me if you want to stop me. "

He called the Hokage's incensed, anxious expression and raised it with his own fiery look filled with new, unwavering resolve. 

"Tsunade-sama, I'll accept whatever consequence you'll have for disobeying you once I come back with Iruka," he said, determination blazing hot in his eye. "But I _will_ come back with Iruka, even if it's the last thing I do." 

He used their moment of hesitation to quickly jutsu out of the office, leaving them with nothing but worry and concern etched on their pale faces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Jounin may soon find himself fighting to the death to protect the love of his life. 
> 
> \--
> 
> Author's note: I know. It's been FOREVER. If you stuck with it and still want to read it, all I can say is thank you. Thank you for leaving comments that kept me still in it, for showing your love to the story. You have no idea how much I appreciate your patience with my sporadic updates. 
> 
> This is another short one, but I thought you'd rather have it out sooner than later. Thank you so much for reading, I really hope you enjoyed it! I was soooo excited to update this, you have no idea. Let me know what you think :D xoxo


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